The Goddess of the Goats Sees Into The Future

[GoatGal]

You know, if someone could tell me HOW to keep those feelings of love alive in my heart while my husband has cut me out of his heart for years---and who has filed for divorce saying he never loved me, and doesn't want to be with me anymore...well, I'd really like to hear how that's done.

I just can't see being detached to the point where you're not a sensitive, hurting, emotional pile of jelly, yet still having those feelings of ATTACHMENT present.

I don't think those two things can be reconciled.
There must be a hardening of the heart, much the way our WAS have done to us. A way to make the transition.

Because if I were sitting here feeling overwhelming love and loss over my H, I don't think I would be doing very well. My GAL would just be hollow attempts to fill my time without him here, and my PMA would mostly be a put-on.

Because deep down, I'd be sad and lonely and cut to the quick over his actions. If I felt I was still "in love" with him, I would be desperate...

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I wonder sometimes now if some readers haven't "written me off" because I am taking a hard line and moving forward as if I were going to be single.
Isn't that part of of MWD advocates?
Not just pretending, but actually DOING IT?

I think you guys think I've given up on my M and as such, I am thinking about all the negatives so I can detach further and rationalize my decision to keep moving forward as though what H has wanted--a divorce-- will eventually come to pass.

I haven't given up. I'm just being realistic. I have my head out of the clouds and my dreams are dashed. I'm being pragmatic.

I can't imagine, even with busying myself with GAL/PMA and working on my own "stuff", how I could be doing as well as I am if I were feeling such deep love and loss for my H.

Detaching has to mean separating the feelings to some degree. Not painting him in a negative light, but refraining from doing what we all do when we love someone. We overlook their negatives and focus on the positives.

Well... I have done that for almost thirty years and it hasn't done me a bit of good.
Now I want to see things clearly. If that means that you all read my words as criticism of H, so be it.

It's the unvarnished truth. And I take ownership of being clueless enough to have tolerated (what now seems to have been the intolerable) for all those years.

So. How does one still feel "in love" and yet detach to the point where the heartless actions (intentional or not) of our "beloved" doesn't make us want to die?

I think that's where my current position comes in.
I do feel "loving" towards H. But I no longer am "in love" with him.
To be "in love" means I see the best in him, and feel that feeling of being special and cherished.

I'm not so stupid that I will continue to direct my affections at someone who doesn't reciprocate. That's a recipe for pain and a loss of self-respect.

I do feel loving towards H. I don't wish him ill. I feel sorry for him. I can see that he is broken and suffering.

But hell...so am I! And I am suffering BECAUSE OF HIM.

There is no way around that. Where I am at right now is due to his choices, no matter how you look at it.

Each day I find I care less and less. Each day I feel stronger and better about me and my future.
Sure, I still have "hope". I could hit the lottery. (In some ways, that would even be better!)

I believe love is a choice.

He has chosen not to love me, or he never could

And I have chosen not to love someone who has hurt me so deeply and yet who continues to act as though he is somehow the victim.

I could chose to love him again, but he would have to be worthy.

Barring that, I can act lovingly towards him, which is what I have been doing.
But I can act lovingly to the homeless woman on the corner too.

For me, that's what he will get unless he lets me know he wants something else.

The day I start chasing down friends/lovers/family to "LOVE AND RESPECT ME" is the day I go up the mountain and live the rest of my life as a hermit.


---(G)GGG

NOT EDITED