The Goddess of the Goats Sees Into The Future

[GoatGal]

Wow...guys. Thanks for all the feedback!

Jim, just because of the way I'm wired, I'd be curious to hear your "Pseudo-Psych" take on things just for chits and giggles....You'd probably be right.

Bright, Ggrass, Beatrice, kml, Wonka, Matt,---I always appreciate your thoughts.
I know H is in MLC, no doubt about that. I hope that time will lead to some clarity on his part.

But there are underlying issues that concern me greatly. Prior to his betrayal, I was willing to live with these because I believed--really believed---that I was in it for the long haul. That he really loved me, that he was my best friend.

But he showed a side of himself that needs more than a return to the "best" years to balance it out; to make me feel emotionally safe with him.
I've had a lot of trauma that he will need to salve.

I can do that for ME, on my own, going forward. I can heal and be whole as an individual. I'm almost there now.

But to be in a R with him, he would have to be a balm for my soul; I would need him to help me get over this and to help me feel cherished and protected again.
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In light of his actions, the things he's admitted to during our almost 30 year R, the way he became so cold and cruel, and the current fact of his complete self-absorption to the point where he snipes at me for "being SO LUCKY" to have the "time/freedom/positive outlook/talent/friends" to be SO HAPPY!!!!.... that I am enjoying my life WAY TOO MUCH after he threw me out like an old shoe... it's just incomprehensible.

I am on eggshells around him all the time. I have been for over two years. I didn't realize how much "adapting" I was doing to keep the peace.
And now---DBing means I watch every word I say, every nuance of body language, every interaction.
I am so careful not to "upset" him with a healthy dose of reality or the occasional "truth dart". Because to show him anything other than a perfect, happy, sexy, loving, kind, accepting wife is shooting myself in the foot?

Sometimes I think he just needs to get a grip. Not for me to be cruel, but with me being all nice as pie, it's just telling him that I'm here, holding steady, being kind, being thoughtful... and he's just doing--whatever he's doing.

Whether that's planning his divorce, surfing his dating sites, figuring out how he can screw that new underling... I couldn't know. Nor do I want to.
He can do ALL THAT, with the idea that I'm just here indefinitely until he DECIDES HE WANTS TO BE WITH ME.

I noticed a real warmth in him once he realized I wasn't dating or trying to date.
But did that draw him any closer to me? Nope!!!

I think it just allowed him to continue to take me for granted. Happy on his back burner as his "Plan B".

Let me be clear, I am no man's "Plan B". I am not waiting around to see if he decides he wants me or not. Either he does, and he'll do the work. Or he doesn't.
In which case--he can watch me walk away.
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I don't want to do this song and dance anymore---at least not on a regular basis.

I can DB with the best of them now, and I'm still plugging away.
I can do the occasional interaction and work my sexyback.I can speak his LL and fill his friggin' love tank.

But what am I getting? Big GOOSE EGG!!!!

But I am SO much more relaxed without his tension, his chronic movement and anxiety--which I always saw, but he denied.

Living with him was like living with an angry cactus.
He was "there", present, but only in body. And you couldn't get too close or you'd get spiked...

He was working really hard to keep some serious walls up between us, and when I dared to voice concerns that we never spent any time together, that I felt emotionally/sexually neglected--well, this was met with (what I can see in retrospect) was a manipulative mental massage session meant to put me on the defensive.

And it worked.

But it doesn't work anymore.
And I think that's another thing that concerns him. He can no longer control/manipulate me as he used to because I've learned all his tricks.
I'm no longer the clueless subject, and my eyes are open.
I know many of his "secrets" now, and I think he is ashamed.

This is sad, and I feel sorry for him, but that's no basis for a marriage.
I think not having the upper hand in that way is very disturbing to him.
He is used to having his secrecy, keeping me in the dark, and being able to pull the wool over my eyes.

He and I both know those days are gone for good.

YES. I AM MIND-READING ^^^^. Just call me "The Amazing Goat Gal"!
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I don't mean to focus on him--the point of this thread was to look into the future.
But when I look into my crystal ball, I don't see him being what I need him to be now.

Jim--I said "I don't think he can change"... I should clarify that.
What I mean is, I don't think he will be able to see what needs changing and then do the work to make that happen.

I think he COULD change, but he'd have to really want to. And part of that is recognizing that the problem lies within him, and that no woman/situation/thing/experience is going to "fix" what's wrong.

I think he's spent most of his life coping in the ways that felt best/easiest.
He's not one to take the hard road for the rewards it offers.

He's one for the quick fix, and tomorrow's another day. He doesn't think things through. It's just important to feel better/do it NOW.
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Anyhow. Today I have not heard from him all day. He said last night he wouldn't be here tonight and for the first time, I didn't even wonder why.

I find I don't care. I will not initiate contact, and frankly, I didn't notice until a few minutes ago that he had not checked in all day, even though we had a snowstorm...

If I am the one to have to constantly initiate contact, and extend the olive branch, which only serves to keep him convinced that we'll be "friends" after the divorce (?) I see no point in continuing.

Maybe it's time to "afflict the comfortable"???

He seems content with me offering to make myself emotionally vulnerable and seek out his company so he doesn't have to do a thing.

Well, I'll wait for the vets to chime in (if they're reading) before I move to
PHASE TWO: Setting him off balance.

This weekend I have a "platonic" date with a young male friend... I don't know what his goal is; we just like each other and are going to have dinner and go to a dance. But for me... I'm just... wondering.

No. Not dating. Not looking to hook up. Just exploring how it feels to be with a man who I am attracted to, who is interested in me as a person (knows I'm married, he has a GF, this is not a "date") to see what those feelings ARE.

I've forgotten how that feels.

How could I have been with my H all these years yet not feel any of those things?
I didn't feel attractive, interesting, funny... he often expressed his annoyance with me.

Something is not right about that.
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Typos and vague writing be damned. I am not going to edit---you guys are just going to have to figure it out!

Your Pal.

The Goat Gal