Card29 VII

[Card29]

I have to voice my disagreement with a sentiment that some people here seem to share. It seems that some think one of our goals should be to become independently happy apart from anyone else, from relying on anyone else. I do agree that we should avoid codependency, but I also believe our purpose is to love and be loved. I re-watched Brene Brown's Power of Vulnerability speech today. Every second of those 20 minutes resonates with me. And I don't get the message of "make yourself happy and you'll be strong and nearly invincible" from it. There is definitely an element of independence in her talk, because being vulnerable means believing from the outset, without the need of confirmation from others, that you are worthy of love even with your flaws vulnerably exposed.

I am naturally an independently happy person. This caused me to believe I did't need others to feel happiness. Now I'm in the darkest era of my life and I'm realizing the flaws in my thinking. I want to warn others because I WAS fiercely independent during our M, and I think it clouded my vision within our M (how do I not know my W is so unhappy that she is considering leaving?). I got so used to providing my own happiness and just accepting any love W showed me as a bonus that I was fine going months without intimacy, without intimate conversation, without fun activities, without quality time. I was fine simply coexisting because I was providing my own happiness, completely ignorant of her own emotional starvation. And I don't believe it is healthy to provide your own happiness, fulfill your spouses needs, and not expect/require/rely on the same fulfillment from your spouse. That is exactly what I did and it ended up aiding in the destruction of my M, even though I was very, very happy. I thought that happiness came from within me and from my faith in God, but now that I've lost W, I realize in hindsight that much of it really did come from her. From the belief that she loved me, regardless of my flaws.

I know many on this board can't expect that return from their S or SO right now due to the nature of their current R. This is just a general warning and piece of advice, whether you can use it now or not in your primary R. I also know that I'm not contending with the consensus of the board, or anything. I've just seen this sentiment around and wanted to give my take on it.

This is a stream of consciousness, so I hope it makes sense.