Wow, so much of this resonates with my M! I too, now see that if I had demanded more and accommodated less my M would have probably been very different. I believe this dynamic is what goes on in my W's R with her father. He treats her badly, insults her when in public. Then he tells her how "sorry" he is for all the bad and how he does really care. Tells her that it was her mom's fault that he didn't have a R with her as she "poisoned" her mind against him and she eats that up.
The public insults and telling her how she's not good enough show her he knows the real her isn't good enough, the private smooshing tells her he still cares about her. By trying to build her self-esteem by assuring her that I saw her differently than she saw herself only told her that once I knew the "real" her, I would no longer love her. She used to tell me all the time when I told her how great she was that I was the only person on earth that saw her that way. In fact she even said that it was because I loved her so that "blinded" me. So, if she didn't see me as perfect, that must mean she really didn't love me. If you love someone they see you as better, which is what she thought I was doing. If she didn't only see the good in me, that must mean she didn't truly love ME.
So sad of a way to live one's life. So, sad that my W was hurt so badly for so long as a child that this is how she ended up seeing herself. The more I learn about MLC and the causes, the more I see that it is a miracle that anyone can ever come out of it once they get there!
