Hey girl, don't let a bad day destroy the hard work you have been putting to get in a better place.
I know how hard it is. And you know how hard it has been to face my childhood issues. Alcoholic father, abusive mom that spanked me with a piece of fence wood a million times, sexual abuse from step father, you name it.
It's all in you and your past, it bothers you and will be a wound that never heals, sometimes it is like a sleeping volcano and sometimes it feels we are rubbing salt on it.
I anyway the time to stop the insanity is now. You have that power to start working to stop all the pain. Underdog told me to put aside my R issues for now and focus in get myself back. I am doing it. To tell the truth I am getting to a place that I don't even think much of my R now, I want to clean my closet once for all.
My IC told me we will start a 8steps program called EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing). Look up online, there are tons of info on this. It's even used to treat PTSD. And addressing the childhood problems will help to address the anxiety, depression, inferiority, insecurity... all the negativity inside yourself.
Please, give yourself a chance to be happy. At some point, it does not matter anymore if H will be back or not. What it matters is exactly what we learn here. That we are the most important person no matter what. And if we take good care after ourselves, we have a chance to have a healthy R with H or someone else down the road.
Life is short, we have wasted some time crying our pain and it did not help much, we have been destroying some things because our masks do not stay with us all the time. Take some time, clear those tears and approach the problem with real solutions.
I know it may seen impossible at times, but it's not. You are here for a reason, you are a smart person. You helped me when I needed help. You are kind and ramble to say "I was wrong... I messed up". Give yourself credit and look how and what you can do to really help all your issues.
I don't know what will happen tomorrow, if this EMDR will really work for me, but it a starting point and I will try to get all the bad out of my heart, or at least let go the pain. I will do it and I believe you can do it too.
You say you are tough, well, I think I know that kind of tough. I am the same way. Now, I can see myself, I am not tough, I am a strong person that has strong personality. I have my own opinions and I like to respect myself. Along the way, external factors made me tough, rough skin, just to protect myself. Inside me I am gentle, soft, a loving person that is always afraid to show and get hurt again.
You can do it Calibri, get the help you need for yourself, tell yourself it has been too much too long and you do not want to start 2015 without a plan to clean the skeletons in your closet.
It's for your own good, but you will see that the sunshine inside you will slowly come forward and you will start attracting good stuff, good people and maybe H will fall in love with a better you all over again.
