Corri, I think you're example of how the HD spouse should broach the problem is exactly what we need modeled here. Your hypothetical responses from the LD spouse are right on the money. THat's exactly how I would have reacted to my X: How can you complain when I do x, y, z. Are you never satisfied?
In short, I didn't really listen. For a long time, I didn't listen because I thought X's dissatisfaction was just one of the inevitable irritations of marriage. And because I was happy, what motivation did I have to listen or change? In other words, I was selfish.
Then X admitted he was in the midst of an affair and wanted to leave me. THEN you can bet I listened. But again, there was not nearly enough discussion and I didn't *get* that he truly felt unloved. Or rather, he told me that he felt unloved but I really didn't see what I could do to make him feel more loved. Yes, he said he wanted more hugs, kisses, pats during the day, ML more often and with more passion. (Although in my defense I will say we were the twice a week type, but almost always initiated by him.)
What I did not for the life of me understand until after my divorce and when I came here and read CeMar is the PAIN and SADNESS I had caused my X. I remember saying to him once when he told me how unloved he felt (just before he left) : "But I go to sleep every night with my arms wrapped around you!" And this was true. To me, this meant I was showing my love. I TOLD him I loved him, I wanted to wrap my arms around him every night! How could he NOT feel loved??? It mystified me and I began to think maybe he was crazy or just a bottomless pit of need.
So this sort of spelling out is so necessary. But it's not the only thing needed.
The other thing is an appreciation of the deeper meaning of HD and LD. The way I see it, most of the LD wives described here are LN -- Low Need. It's not just a low desire for sexual intimacy, it's a low need for affirmation from others. Or maybe rather it's that they get their affirmation from multiple sources -- their kids, their female friends, their parents, etc. and so a smaller proportion of their need quota has to come from their spouse.
The High Need people -- let's say a man -- typically put a greater proportion of their need for affirmation and affection on one person -- the spouse. And if that spouse is LN, the LN spouse feels stifled and smothered.
It takes a very strong person to stand up to the LN spouse and admit that yes, they will only be happy if that affection and affirmation comes from ONE person, the spouse. It takes making yourself very vulnerable. And most LN spouses don't understand how very scary it is for the HN spouse to be open about this, precisely BECAUSE almost all their need for approval, affirmation and affection comes from the LN spouse. So in opening up about their sadness and dissatisfaction, they are jeopardizing their relationship with the very person who holds almost 100% of their happiness in their hands.
I sometimes wish I could turn the clock back and re-do the last two years of my marriage. So that X and I could really communicate with each other. I feel that both of us missed a lifetime opportunity to grow. It is too late now. I know I can never trust him again enough to even rehash what went wrong, to tell him that I now understand. Our communication now only goes about one or two millimeters beneath the surface.
Our kids missed out on a whole family, we will never get to enjoy our grandchildren together, we will never be able to look back and reminisce over the decades we spent together. What a waste. And why?? Because we were both too afraid to speak from the bottom of our hearts, to really listen to the other person, to admit we had let the other down, to stay committed to the marriage even when times were very very bad. In short, we had just gotten to the part where we each had a chance to grow and change. The divorce put an end to that opportunity. It is something I will always feel sad about.
SO that's why I am always exhorting CeMar to TALK to his W. One day a woman will come along who will turn his head and in a moment of weakness, he will succumb. Will he be happier with #2? Who knows? There's a good chance marriage #2 will have its own share of problems and trials. Add to that the upset with the kids.... It just seems better from where I sit to put all your cards on the table now.
