1st part of the night: went to my IC apt. It was painful, very hard. I told him in details about the spanking, which was many, many and a gazillion times more. I also told about the sexual abuse.
My IC was very kind, very open and very honest. A real gentleman. He was caring and yet straight to the point. He gave me the whole speech about not being hard on myself, forgiving the people that had that own demons and did this horrific things against me.
I told him I do not want to just talk about it. That going around the problem does not work for me. I am a straight forward person, if I get to it then I will go deep and resolve the issue.
He said it won't be resolved very fast. Next week we will start a program called Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing (EMDR). It's an 8 phases program design to basically reprocess triggers, stimulus, causes, assemble of new memories over old ones, a new focus, and much more. It's a Trauma Treatment. Very often used to treat PTSD. It also addresses a large variety of psychological problems.
I checked for this online and I am very hopeful it will help me. I need to be patient, but with time I can became a new person.
So, I would say it went very well. Of course, my head almost explode, I cried so much my eyes are very swollen till now. But I got through, and I feel good.
I will keep you posted with my progress and how the treatment goes.
2nd part of the night: H at S14 Orchestra concert. S14 plays the Cello for many years.
I got to the school it was almost 7pm, when the concert was supposed to start. H was inside, standing. As soon as I showed up he waved and called me to sit with him.
Got there and he gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. We sat and he asked me: - How are you doing? - I am fine...no, I am not fine and I don't feel too good right now. Tears just blow out of my eyes. - What happen baby? - I was with my IC and we were talking about the two major problems I have, the spanking and the abuse. - Oh, honey. I know it's hard but it will be good for you. I know you can do it. H hugs me. - Just please, do not feel so sorry for me. - I'm not. But I am your friend and I have sympathy for what you are going through. - Why it should be so hard and painful. - I don't know. But I know you will get through it.
The concert starts and he stays very close to me, he leaned towards me. He also put his arm over my shoulders for a while.
During the concert he would turn and look at me. Sometimes I looked at him and smiled. There was a song from Lord of the Rings that I really love. I close my eyes to hear the violins crying (love it a lot) and H hold my arm, rubbing it gently.
Concert ended and we walked together to the hall. H mention that he is closer to get the promotion he was waiting for years. It's not final yet, but the politics have started. H said he hopes things go well for "us". Then I said, if things goes well you may change countries. He looked at me and said that if it goes well I will be doing what I want to do.
Outside, we were still talking about his work when a friend stopped by. I was very happy to see her, we hugged and talked on how amazing it was to meet at the Concert.
The she asked: So, is this your H? And I hesitated, I was Ahhh... Ahhhh....Ahhhh... . Then H said, yes I am her husband. Nice to meet you. We talked a little more about the kids then she left.
H looked at me and asked me why I hesitate to say he is my H?
I looked at him and said, Oh please J..., you put me in a hard situation here. I laid my head on his shoulder
Then he said, you are my still my wife, you are my wife.
Then I said that the lady he just met is very nice, and that she also said I am very nice. I said that in a very girl way. Then I apologize for my silliness and H said to please don't apologize, that he loves when I am like this.
I keep thinking that it is all so crazy, his behavior is all mixed up. Maybe it's because DB is working. My IC said that he thinks H is seeing all my changes, my progress w/therapy and he is confused now. IC said that H still loves me but is afraid that this is not a permanent change. That he wants to be sure things will not only change but transform.
So, this was my night. I think it went well. I have a lot of headache and my eyes are hurting, but I feel somewhat good.
THE TRUTH IS THAT I WOULD NOT GET WERE I AM NO IF NOT FOR YOUR HELP. MAYBE IT SOUNDS NOT SO REAL, BUT IT IS. YOUR HELP IS WHAT IS SAVING ME. THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!
