More text diarrhea from Calibri tonight: aka I won't need IC this week because I'm doing it all here.

Being a hard ass was self preservation, I've established that. Repeatedly. But what it freaking boils down to is this. I felt unloved. By a lot of key players in my life who should've done a better job, but were doing the best they could. Some more than others. I felt like a magnet for bad things: people who didn't love me, abuse, etc. I hid a lot of my childhood from my peers and some family, because who wants to open up about the nasty things in life. Add in that I was a late bloomer and yeah, I felt like the ugly girl that would always be alone. Unloveable.

Sure, you can pad a bra, buy makeup, change your hair. But who wants to love the girl with the crazy father? The girl who could go crazy herself, cause you know, things pass down. Who wants to love the girl who doesn't trust people because she's seen the worst in people? She sees what weakness gets. So the wall went up. Because no want wants to marry a girl like that.

And the wall came down. For H. But the chip on the shoulder was still there. While most of the pain had subsided, the fears still lingered in the background. When the fears came to light. So did the not so great parts. But surely the man who had the patience to tear down the wall would have the patience to love me, right?

Apparently not. I am living the reason daily, why I had the wall up in the first place.

And that ladies and gents is how 24 hours, finishing a book on radical acceptance and thinking too much can take you from a PMA day to a "I'm going to bed soon because it's much more comfortable to cry there - as opposed to my kitchen floor. "

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On the plus side, my GAL activities are so full this up coming month. So.....yay!?

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Ugh






Last edited by Calibri; 12/11/14 03:22 AM.
M:32,H 32
T:10, M5
BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger
H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15
Served D Papers: 10/15
Divorced: 11/15