CeMar, You talk a lot of sense. I now hear what she is saying and will not bring the subject up at bed time again if I can help it. As for the frequency thing, I agree, that if she would consent to trying daily sex for a few weeks she would get to quite enjoy it. She is exactly as Michelle describes. She doesn't get turned on until we are actually underway. She is ND in all aspects of the subject but on things she's interested in such as planning vacations she is HD and does masses of research etc. I notice that you have been on this forum for 6 months now with apparently not much progress. I don't think I can last that long this time. I'd hate to destroy my children's lives but how many years can a man go before he has to think of his own happiness?
Thursday 10:00am. I have been to the doctor again to arrange my V. She (the doc) still thinks my W should have a coil. I told her that W objected on the grounds of heavy periods but she said that modern coils make periods lighter. I will pass this on to W but I doubt if she will believe me. Apparently the V is just a short op on a local anaesthetic and no big deal so I await my appointment with mixed feelings. One problem I am having is that D16 has a habit of barging into our room at 11:30pm for a “chat”. For some reason, W encourages this practice. So far all she has caught us doing is discussing our problems but if things improve who knows what she may see. I could put a lock on the door but at this stage I feel it would look a bit too “aggressive” to W. I had a quiet word with D16 on the school run this morning and told her that she is welcome to come in if the door is open but that she should not come in if it is closed. I think she understood. SD
Thursday 1:30pm. I have sent her an email explaining a few things and to ask her out for a drink on Friday night. Maybe we will get a chance to talk with less hostility at an olde English pub - if she will come with me. SD
I am working on my whole marriage. Like Michelle says, to recover a marriage will probably take about as long as 1 month for every month you have been married. I am in no ruch to get out. I will be patient. I have 3 young kids at home, I can not leave this marriage, YET! That's the one thing that really sucks about marriages like ours, we don't have complete control over our own lives. We both think of divorce, and then you think about the kids. They don't deserve the problems of losing a parent to divorce. Kids are always better off with both parents, unless their is abuse. I don't ever want my kids to think that I broke the family apart. If my marriage comes apart, I want the kids to know that I am not the one that gave up. In fact, I just read something about divorce on another web site that more or less said that you should only consider divorce after EVERY SINGLE OPTION for restoring a good marriage is exhusted. Does your need for happiness exceed your children's need for the happiness of a 2 parent family?
Keep it up. I know it will be a loooonnngg haul for both of us. It took years to get where we are, it will probably take a long time to get back, if ever! Sorry to say SuperDave, but examples of truly fixing our situations are RARE on these boards. And think about it, sure their are middle age divorced women out there, but the odds are pretty good that they are divorced BECAUSE they too are LD. I read another counselor that has been fixing marriage problems for over 20 years, and he said that 90% of the marriages that he works on are SPECIFICALLY for LD women. So what are the odds of meeting a single 40ish women that is still into sex and affection? Not very good. 40-45 % of all women lose their sex drive, FOREVER. It NEVER comes back. Do you think there is a coorelation between the 50% divorce rate and the fact that 40-45% of all women lose their interest in sex. I think it IS the reason marriages fall apart.
SuperDave, don't tink about it as abot sex. What you want is a firm commitment to making your marraige great, FROM BOTH OF YOU. As long as your wife is commited to fixing your marriage, and that means meeting YOUR needs and HER needs cheerfully, then you have to give her the chance, right? Now if she is not committed to making a great marriage, then that is when us guys need to start planning on getting out. We may never get to that great marriage, but if both are working on it, that can do wonders to boosting your attitude towards her.
Do you think there is a coorelation between the 50% divorce rate and the fact that 40-45% of all women lose their interest in sex.
Could there also be some divorce due to the lack of interest in Men? I would not think its as large a percentage as women, but as Michelle says, the loss in libedo in men is the best kept secret out there
Quote: Like Michelle says, to recover a marriage will probably take about as long as 1 month for every month you have been married
I will be nearly 70 by then - the age my parents are now. My parents were both HD and I can remember them often suggesting "early nights" to each other. I don't see much evidence of HD behaviour in them these days though.
Quote: As long as your wife is commited to fixing your marriage, and that means meeting YOUR needs and HER needs cheerfully, then you have to give her the chance, right?
Right, except that all I seem to get are negative vibes. As I see it something has to change at this attempt. My impression is that her strategy is to sit tight until I have gotten over this particular book and things go back to "normal". Except that this time I am more determined and see it as a last chance. If I can just get her into the habit to ML every Friday night without passion sapping negotiations I'm sure we will live happily ever after. Am I being unreasonable CeMar? Am I being unreasonable all you LDW's out there? SD
I don't think your expectations are out of line, but I do think your delivery of said expectations may need some adjusting.
At least in your posts, it sounds to me as though you are 'demanding' that things change. It sounds as though your conversations involve a lot of anger and resentment from both of you, and I don't think the two of you are really HEARING each other.
I agree with CeMar that these conversations should not occur in your bedroom at night. I think your Friday night date would be a good time for you to set some boundaries with your W. Do you have any idea what it is you want to say to her, and how you are going to say it?
Corri, You have such a subtle turn of phrase. I guess I'm a bit too direct. I don't think that I'm as bad in real life as I am on this forum. I'm actually a really nice guy but I suppose I’m using this as a safety valve. My W is also very headstrong and so we lock horns and accuse each other of things and say things we don't want to say. For example I thought I was being reasonable talking about the book last night in a low voice trying to arouse some curiosity to read it but she was really aggressively telling me to stop being angry at her. Eventually I lost it a bit and said that I might as well be dead. Of course after that all conversation was futile. The biggest problem I have with her is that she point blank refuses to do anything. She won’t read the book. She won’t go to the doctor. OK I guess these are all my suggestions but she doesn’t seem to have any ideas of her own other than to ride out the storm. This sort of thing has been going on for years. SD
SD - does your wife realize that your marriage is in jepoardy over this issue? How important it really is? I ended up leaving when my anger and frustration and inability to communicate overwhelmed me. It wasn't until then that i discovered this site and what was going on with me. It was a very traumatic time for me and my wife had no idea that things had gotten to that point with me. I think that as others have said...communicating that this is not some pet issue and is a vital need to preserve the marriage should be done somehow.
