Just taking a bit of a break again, been GALing and doing a lot of soul searching. What else is new?
Today was a milestone. I awoke, and didn't think of H until hour later. And for the first time ever, I didn't even notice that he hadn't contacted me at all for the entire day.
Normally, this would bug me because it's a behavior of his which is usually on the tails of some "transgression" on my part (in his mind), just a weird passive-aggressive thing he does. Today, I didn't think of it until I thought to ask him a question when he was already almost to the house this evening. (Guess I ticked him off again, since he was going to arrive unannounced. That's his little "gotcha!" thing he does.)
When I realized that I had hardly given it a thought, it felt like such relief. I guess that's detachment.
I can see now that he is very damaged; there are many problems that I've slowly been identifying. There is an awful lot to overcome, and I don't even know if he's still in therapy. I am finally fully awake and I actually can't believe how blind I have been for so many years.
I guess it took a crisis like this to bring everything to the forefront that has been there, on some level, all along. I can see now where he has continually undermined the connection between us and I don't think the porn *caused* it, although it certainly didn't help.
He has a serious problem with emotional closeness, being real, being vulnerable. Let's just say---there are a lot of issues he needs to deal with. And after that, there may still be something there for "us" but he has so much to work on himself--I think it's optimistic to think that he will get far enough in his own personal work to be able to work on the issues with me and our M.
Sad--but I'm kind of OK with it at this point. I don't blame him; I can see in some ways that he has struggled all these years. I think he did the best he could with what he had to work with. Unfortunately, what he had to work with was very fragile at best.
I am really looking at myself to see how it was that I didn't see these things...I know the Asperger's played a role, but also he was very, very skilled at hiding things from me until the chit finally hit the fan. I also believe the best in people. I believed the best about him. I never believed he could lie to me and deceive me on the level he has. That he could hurt me like he has.
That part makes me cry a bit writing this, because I feel like I'll be better off without him. Not because I'm hurt or angry, not because I want revenge or anything else. It's just that I'm seeing things I guess I was blind to--and I agree with him.
I don't think he can change. ----------------------------------------------------------------
I really didn't know. I accepted a lot, since he was outwardly kind and caring. But I am pretty sure now that there was no "unconditional love" but I was merely a vehicle for him; the pretty talented wife to trot out, who made him look better, who was there for support and sex and give him someone to take care of.
But love? I know I loved him, but honestly I'm wondering if he ever really loved ME, or just the idea of me. That he wanted someone like me, but didn't have the skills to actually be fully present. I see years of him distancing, blaming.. deflecting, manipulating, taking advantage of my trusting nature.
I think if I had been "normal" (NT-Neuro Typical) he would not have been able to pull the wool over my eyes for so long.
The last few days as I have been deep in thought and weighing things carefully, he has been very short and snippy with me, as if he KNOWS.
I have been pleasant, but preoccupied. 50% of warmth returned. I am no longer responding to his "GN" texts at night, because to me, if he can't be bothered to actually write something closer to "goodnight", I'm not going to bother to respond.
I have also been thinking a lot about things he's said and done over the years, and I can see some traits that are very disturbing. That said, he has/had some very good qualities as well, but it seems in hindsight that he was wearing a mask much of the time.
I feel now that I never really knew who he was. He wouldn't let me know. ----------------------------------------------------------------
So I have to add that over the last few weeks I have spent time with both men and women and in those interactions I feel validated that I am a kind and lighthearted person, that in general I am liked and appreciated.
And that my husband has often been quick to "correct" me socially, (I guess because he felt my free-spirited nature embarrassed him, or I outshone him somehow). He did this in a "helpful" way, but I never really saw the problem with anything I was doing.
And I feel like that now.
Since we've been separated, people have been seeking my company and my world has opened up dramatically. When I say "people", I mean I'm getting all kinds of invites for group events, girl events, guys who want to hang out (date?), all kinds of things.
I am forced to continue to contrast this with H and his criticism and conditional acceptance of me. I find with time, the rejection from him hurts less. I am more convinced than ever that this is a problem with him, and not with me.
I think he wanted to divorce me before I could abandon him. I think the fact that I destroyed his well-crafted mask in our marriage meant that he had to be rid of me. That he believes that he needs someone who doesn't really know the "real" him, because he believe the "real" him is ugly.
And that breaks my heart. But I can't help him.
These days I think a lot about a life without him and it feels so freeing.
There is no one I'm interested in; I know moving and getting on with a life on my own will be very difficult... but there is a pervasive sense that he has done me a tremendous favor. Maybe very, very late in the game, but it's not too late to start over.
And I am just fine being on my own.
I can't live with that twisted dynamic anymore. I have been in plenty of therapy, and I'm pretty sure that most of the "problems" in our R have stemmed from him and his issues, and my trying to make the most of things and be accepting.
I bring my own stuff to the table, to be sure--but I never mistreated, neglected, abused, lied to, cheated on, disrespected, victimized, took advantage of, screamed at, name called, embarrassed, spoke ill of to others, nagged, criticized, turned away from, withheld affection from, was sexually cold to....him, unless you count after he started cheating on me and was emotionally abusive.
Sure, there were moments when I raised my voice, got frustrated, or said things he interpreted as criticism... I'm sure I didn't fill his love tank, that I didn't speak his LL. That perhaps I could have done more to make him feel appreciated.
But I'm not a friggin' mind reader, for all the mind reading I did above ^^^ Many of my efforts to do sweet things for him were shot down with "You're not my MOTHER, stop mothering me." As if packing him a lunch was a mother thing and not a wife thing.
So I "learned" to stop doing things like this for him...no doubt he then felt neglected. Who knows?
But I would love to have him write me an extensive list of all the ways I mistreated him or fell short in our M. I really would. As a roadmap of things to work on for my next R.
However, I can write an extensive list (now) of things he has done throughout our R with might have been adaptive for him, but which were very destructive to our M and to me personally.
It hurts to write this--but I have to get it out.
I just think I'd be better off on my own. I can't do this with him anymore. I can see now how screwed up it was. It was insidious---but it was very abusive towards me. I can see that now, and therapy has helped me identify it. --------------------------------------------------------
To his credit, I don't think he ever wanted to hurt me. He just couldn't avoid it. He is that damaged. And I think he always will be.
With him gone, I just feel a weight is off my shoulders, I really do.
Maybe that's why he filed for divorce. He has always known what I am only now learning.
That said, I am still DBing. I am not done yet, and he may have some significant breakthrough. Our life together wasn't all bad. But there is so much damage done, so many things that would have to change dramatically for this to work.
I am still sticking to my plan to work on myself and wait and see. But it is looking more and more like my attachment is more to my animals/home/investment/dream than it is to him.
He has been the source of so much pain for me.
I know I sound like a WAW now with all this negative talk about him. I know there are positive things about him. They're just--gone.
As much as he's moved a bit closer to me, it's precarious because any minuscule slight against him that he perceives means he gets snippy with me.
I think the lack of nasty texts, etc. is more due to my improved ability to avoid eliciting them than it is to any progress on his part.
I'm not even going to edit this. I don't want to think about this any more today.
Love you guys---
Your Pal,
The Goat Gal
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
