Busting this Divorce - Moving Out

[Vanilla]

ADD. You might have noticed from Jims thread that I confessed that I have ADD. The version I have is called hyperfocus. It is much worse in childhood and comes with a preloaded package of internal 'jumbling'. The world is strange and stability is preferred. Boys seem to suffer more than girls and anxiety arises with change. I do have to tell you that I have found it a great gift too, your imagination never leaves, there is a creative 'whack' to it and the ability to pay attention and dedicate to the task in hand. There are some issues too, but with management then it's likely to diminish the negatives.

Just as one parent would deal with naughtiness without tattling to the other, then so deal with the ADD. My D used to say 'leave V alone she is in her dream world' and a very nice world too. The only time to concern is if education is interrupted because of it, as dreamy kids aren't usually troublesome in class then they aren't ridden. In addition it's harder to have friends but friends made become inseparable which can also be an issue too I think. It gets easier as I get older too.

S11 will enjoy the adult company around him, especially you and grandad. Just watch the changes as he stabilises.
Tons
Vanilla

ADHD is a different animal altogether and I know very little about it.

[HPoirot]

Thank you Sandi and Wonka for your advice on s11's panic attack. Your thinking was my thinking when it happened. I believe I was about to have him call his mom like I usually would... then I remembered the different world I live in now. I take care of my own business and my son's business. It turned into another great moment between me and him. Even tonight, when he wanted to talk about Christmas, he called me to his room.

He asked "So we're not having a Christmas together?"

"No son. You can have it with mom if possible or me."

"Can I see one of you in the morning and one in the afternoon?"

"I'm sure we can do that."

"OK. I need a pair of pajama pants..."

We're getting there.

...

Has he asked me what happened with me and mom?

Yes. W told him she told a terrible lie about where she was to him and me. She also said adults need to separate sometimes to work on problems. She apologized to him.

S11 asked me later, "Why can't we just forgive mom and have her over for Christmas? It's over."

That was tough. I can't remember what I said. Maybe "We'll work in out. I'm not going anywhere." Of course, I didn't want to say she was continuing to do wrong. He is a smart boy though. He will figure it out.

So, at this point, he knows his mom at least lied to us and that it is her that wants the separation and that she want Christmas together. He knows I do not want any of this and want us to have Christmas and every other day together. So there we are for now. I continue to say mom loves him and he will continue to see her. I do not bad-mouth W to him though she suggests that I do and gets angry about it.

...

W is being very friendly again tonight. It's like normal. She asks me how I'm doing. I say "fantastic" like I usually say. Later, she comes to find me to tell me she's going to get moving boxes tomorrow. She's talking again like we're cool. I actually got to watch ESPN in peace just now. Now she says she's going to meet a friend for drinks just up the road. She tells me and s11 the specific friend, who lives close, and the specific restaurant, also close. She cheerfully says "goodbye boys!" She takes the car and leaves.

I don't like how that normal interaction we've done so many times now gives me a bad feeling. Seeing her take the car out at night gives me a bad feeling. I know I'm months even years from any possible R... but how to get past this deep mistrust I have for her and her words. I can't even trust what she says to S11 now. I notice how she involves s11 in her transparency speeches now... either to invite him along or to tell him like she wouldn't lie to him anymore.

Curious why she even continues to tell us where she goes and act like she's respecting my wishes in the house when she has no intension of working on our M and she knows I know about her PA. That, and we're leaving in a few days.

I also see she left her computer open again. That suggests she made a secret email account as she thinks I hacked her normal email.

All just a small curiosities. I'm no longer interested in snooping or understanding what she might do next.

Oops.. now she's back already.

Ah, she couldn't find a parking space up the road so she's going to walk to the restaurant instead. Again very friendly.

I'll be glad to not type these interactions with her anymore. Just really focus on s11 and my life, GALS, and 180s in these posts.

Almost done today.

3 more days left to go.

[GoatGal]

Vanilla,

I also have ADD/ADHD, and I believe it is Maybell whose H also has it. And I think it is Lois/Betsy who has said she also has some of the traits.

It does make things a bit more challenging, doncha think?


--(G)GGG

[Starsky309]

Methinks she returned early to trap you into snooping on that open laptop. WAY too obvious.

[HPoirot]

Thanks Starsky. Yes she might like to catch me snooping. I'm sure it would be good for her to say I'm wrong. But you know... I am happy to be really done with snooping. I considered a keylogger and it would be easy to crack her password again... but I'm better than that and I know enough.

I am, though, surprised she has not followed up on her Christmas crying from last night. Hopefully she'll remember her IC gave her a list of things she should do better and that "I'm in the driver's seat." Your advice to cut our conversation by 95% was fantastic. Just leaving the house this morning made a big difference. I really don't want any surprises when we move this weekend so cutting down these talks is important agreed.

Anyway... s11 and I are going to sleep. W is still out drinking. Hopefully she's safe walking the streets.

3 more days until the condo.

Hell... I may push my luck and get in there on Saturday night.

[HPoirot]

I didn't do well this morning...

Woke up... ice cold shower... got dressed to travel to the office. Didn't take a moment to prepare for any talking. My thought was only to get away from her.

I go out. Immediately W starts in on s11's school. She wants to know if I still want to be responsible financially for his tuition. If not, she'll assume it and get financial aid. She's needs to know now b/c she's looking for an apartment and needs to plan. She's following me everywhere talking talking talking. I wasn't ready and didn't get it together.

Now that I'm sitting here in the coffee shop, I see I could have said... "Thank you for sharing that with me. I'll need some time to process that." I didn't do that. I was clearly angry with her and didn't really talk. Just kept walking away from her. Tried to slow down and be cool but didn't do well.

Told her I was not comfortable with her assuming any thing for s11 on her own. Agreed it would be good to keep him in his school in the end... but I glared at her and was clearly rushing to get out.

I'm not going to keep asking myself and you how she can stand to be herself right now. I'm going to be more empathetic. She's doing her best in a bad situation she's made. Doesn't help anyone if I make it worse or prove to her I'm terrible to be around.

So yes that's what Claire and Little called me on the other day and I did it again. Losing my cool when she jumps on me like that first thing in the morning with s11 again right there serves her purpose. Now again I'm angry like she expects. Now again I'm the bad one.

And I see this is what I did in our M. She would come at me with her concerns and anxieties and I would not really sit and take in what she was saying. I wouldn't listen closely and make her feel cared about and care for enough.

She sends a text right after I leave... "I am so disappointed we can't talk. Once again I think a mediator will be good for the situation."

Next time I swear I'm going to stand and listen... STFU... and then say "Thank you for sharing that with me. I'll need some time to process that."

Again I'm tired and the day hasn't started yet.

Is there any response I can make to salvage this interaction? The worn all the way down part of me wants to apologize for how I acted and agree to whatever for s11.

[claire7]

HP. Hang in there. I've been there. Through my M and just yesterday morning in fact.
This stuff is hard. Recognizing mistakes is important to begin changing for good.

[SunnyB]

HP, in my opinion, there's nothing wrong with saying, "I'm sorry, this isn't a good time for me to talk. I have to get to the office early today. Could we talk ___(suggest a time that you can focus)." It's not only the time to process what she's saying, it's the time to actually listen, and if you don't have time to do that justice, then it's perfectly OK to suggest a different time. You just have to follow through and actually listen to her later.

[HPoirot]

Thank you Claire and rppfl. This is a new phase for me now... I guess going back to nice and supportive like I was at the beginning. It is harder now with what I know about her. It's hard with the way she acts like I'm the bad guy. I dislike her very much right now.

I want to act in the best way now consistent wih my goal. I see this morning I was not thinking about my goal. I missed an opportunity to be better me. I'm trying to think of what better me would do out now. I have trouble getting past her choice right now.

What can I say now that would be healing? How do I lead for myself and s11 right now given how disappointed she says she is? How can I tolerate her saying she's disappointed without hammering her again for getting us here? Am I even asking the right questions?

I haven't eaten yet. I see I can't do that again.

I think I have to let her know how to approach me with her needs now.

I'm at a loss. I can't screw up like this again. Is there a boundary I can set for our interactions on making these decisions and what would be the best way to deliver it? I want to take the high ground and do what's right while showing I'm moving on.

Thank you for your advice. I see I have to get better at handling setbacks.

[Starsky309]

She sends a text right after I leave... "I am so disappointed we can't talk. Once again I think a mediator will be good for the situation."

A: "(Wife), I hope we will *always* be able to talk about S11. I'm sure you would agree that he is our most important priority. Not every time will be as good as another however. I will try going forward to suggest a better time for us to talk when the immediate moment is not good for me, and I'm sorry if I came across as rude this morning."