Angry WAH blames me for everything.......

[Calibri]

Ss,

I think we are soul sisters. Reading your story gave me the strength to post my own -- because of how similar we seem and some of the similarities that we have with our issues. It's nice knowing that I'm not alone out there.

What are we protecting ourselves from? Me - hurt from people who claim to "love me", and abandonment. Does it work? Yes and no. Have I hip checked some toxic people out of my life. Absolutely. But I have to wonder what I've missed in the meantime.

That's why I felt (and still do) so strongly about my H and my relationship with him. He knew what I was up to (allegedly). I tested him early on to see what he could handle and what he couldn't. I was honest with him, about my fears, about my problems, about me. He's actually softened me up a bit.

But I have found, upon reflection, when I'm extremely stressed out, or upset about my life -- I get nasty. It's not on purpose. But more of a, "WTF - why do I have to do this, this and this on top of everything else?"

Prime example: I've had to become Health Care Power of Attorney for my grandfather who lives six hours away. Why? My father had a breakdown, neglected my grandfather who was having his own breakdown, and could no longer look out for my grandfather, who had appointed my father as HCPA - should the time come. I had to become HCPA, override my father, put my grandfather in a nursing home and deal with the daily responsibilities that come with caring (from afar) with a 90 year old man with dementia. Once my dad came out of his breakdown, he got nasty. Very nasty. Thought I was trying to take away power from him and threatened all kinds of things. And in the middle of all this, I became nasty myself. I was pissed off because my grandfather put care for his life with his mentally ill son. My father, who has never been responsible for ANYTHING in his life, shirked his duties, and never once thanked me for taking care of his dad (then or now). I became angry that my dad had been enabled his entire life and faced no repercussions. I was angry that I was the only one who gave a damn to step in and take on this role.

Add that with my step-dad having cancer, my best friend having cancer, my other grandfather having a stroke and declining rapidly, being unsatisfied with my job, feeling insecure about myself (oh hai, I have a graduate degree and I can only secure part time work, I fail at life) and it became a big ball of "mad at the world, middle finger to everyone, ball of anger." At one point in time I said to my IC: "why am I constantly surrounded by people who cannot get their [censored] together, and why am I the one who has to be the one to pick it up?"

Why do I feel the need to be responsible for the irresponsibility in other grown peoples lives? Most likely because it's a learned behavior that I watched with my father and his father. My grandfather cleaned up all the messes that my father made, because "it was the right thing to do." The mentality that it wasn't fair or right didn't matter. It was ingrained upon me that you took care of the mess of your loved ones, because that was your responsibility of being an adult.

Does it work for me? Probably not. My family looks to me as this beacon of strength. This pillar that supports everyone else. Several people in my family, my H included, have told me they wish that they had my fortitude. They wished they had my strength. They wish that they could just "tell it like it is" like I do, and not worry if people were pissed off at them.

And all I can think is, I became this way, because I didn't have the pillars of strength in my life. I tell it like it is, because quite frankly, I'm exhausted with the constant bullshit and enabling, and head in the sand mentality from my loved ones my entire life. I'm tired of sacrificing for others. I'm tired of being the one to take care of things be it with my grandfather or my H because THEY didn't take the steps in their lives to prevent things from happening. And I get that life happens, and no one expects what gets thrown at us, but COME ON, PEOPLE.

So no. Protecting myself hasn't served me well. Because, by protecting myself, I haven't set boundaries for myself. By protecting myself, I allowed situations to be created, that I in turn resented being a part of. It's the whole triangle thing I was talking about.

Will I stop being hard? Probably -- I'm working on that daily. Having my H leave me - has humbled me. Deeply. Will I stop being direct and assertive? Probably not. Those are things that are rooted deep within me. But I'm choosing to work on being direct and assertive in non combative ways that are more constructive rather than destructive. Not everyone needs what my brother lovingly refers to my honesty as "a truth kick to the face."

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I don't think I'm doing great. But then again -- I'm kind of like, well - this is where I'm at today. Yesterday was an eye opener for me. I miss H deeply. But I went on with my day. I worked out. I set a new PR, I got myself take out on the way home. I watched the series finale of Sons of Anarchy. I did what I wanted to do with my day. You know what, it was ok. And my thought when I went to sleep was, "I hope H is getting what he needs out of this separation. I hope that he's becoming as enlightened as I am. I hope that he would like to come back. He's missing a beautiful life with me. But regardless, it's going to be beautiful."

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I may be back on the kitchen floor this weekend, but hey -- this is where I'm at today.