Separated and Need HELP!

[Faith20]

Having a lot of trouble today. For the most part I have been feeling like I've been making progress detaching and GAL, but it's still hard to be completely at peace.

Last serious conversation with H was on Sunday. He said we needed to talk about D paperwork, and that his friend has agreed to say he served me and sign off on it, so H can just hand me the paperwork himself, hopefully to avoid drama. A few weeks ago H and I had talked about waiting until after the holidays were over before he served me, so him bringing this up kind of was a shock. I remained cool and just reminded him of the conversation. He said he thinks he F'd up because he started the process before we talked, and has had it started for weeks so now he thinks there's something time sensitive. I'm not sure what it could be but I've read a lot about D and from what I can tell, nothing is "time sensitive" other than responding once you've been served. This makes me wonder if he's just using this as an excuse.

I also asked if this meant we weren't going to finish the other conversation we started (about whether or not this was the right path to take). He said I could text him later that day or the next and we could talk about if divorce was still the best option. When I suggested Sunday bc I had the day off from work, he said "Well, we're talking right now. We should just talk about it now." I asked if he was ready to have that convo and he said yes.

Basically he told me that he feels a "big pull to be back" with me and my son, but there's also a part of him that doesn't. I tried to validate and listen. I said that even though we both have mentioned wishing we could have a relationship "do-over", that I didn't want to do the same relationship but to have a fresh start. I said that I agreed that calling off the wedding and separating was the right thing to do, and that I've actually enjoyed having space. I said that one of the things I've realized during these last few months is that I don't need a M or kids to be happy, that I want more out of life than just that. I realized I can live without H and I'd be just fine. I want him in my life, but having him would be a plus more than a necessity (I didn't say these words exactly but sent that message). Then I said that if he didn't want to be with me, I am okay with that. I accept that. It would kill me, but his needs and feelings are important and matter to me. So if that's what he wants, truly loving him unconditionally means accepting that. At this point he said "See, you're still holding onto all of this." And when I asked "Holding onto what?" He said, hope. I asked him if I should not have hope and he just said "IDK".

He talked somewhat about fears he has about getting back together and I tried to validate as much as I could. I acknowledged that I understood the way he felt, and that I couldn't convince him things would be different with anything I could say. I asked if he thought seeing a counselor together might help, just to sit down and say, here's the situation as it is now, where do we go from here? He said he thought that might be a good idea.


The convo died down a bit and we just laid next to each other on the bed. Then he said "I have to go to the gym because I can't work you out anymore." I replied playfully, teased him a little, and then reached out to touch him. We ended up sleeping together.

Once we were finished, I just asked "Where do we go from here? Do you want me to make an appointment with a counselor?" And he said he wanted me to hold off so he could think about some stuff this week.

So right now, I feel like it's a waiting game. I am trying to keep a PMA, GAL, and have not contacted H at all unless absolutely necessary. I haven't asked when we would talk again or pressed him at all.