I have to like you for your courage. I admire that too. It takes a big person to face the demons and do the work to put them to rest. Hugs back atcha!
I'm so glad that you feel your IC is the person to guide you through the process. How about one piece of advice so that you embrace the emotional honesty with him? I know it's not your nature to trust, but why not offer it fully now, and then pull it back if he does something that warrants it? Not all people will fail you.
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It's really hard to talk about these two issues because I go back and feel like I am the little girl again. It is even hard to explain how I turn into that child.
This makes perfect sense to me. Your injuries were sustained as a child. It's the little Pink who controls adult Pink. And until adult Pink can understand little Pink, it's difficult to feel like the adult.
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But here comes the bad side, he is the only person for me. I have friends but not in a very deep relationship. I never gave that space to anyone.
Try not to think in absolutes. It's limiting and diminishing your worth.
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So I have a case of dependency on him. Maybe he is suffocated by this. I was thinking why he kept saying over and over that I do not have friends and that he is really worried. I told him I have my friends and they are helping me with all what going through, but he knows people, he can read people much better then me, and he probably knows me better then I know myself, he knows all what you also knows now.
It sounds like you accept what he says as truthful. I'm glad to read that. Because if I were in his shoes, I would find this kind of dependency suffocating, and it would drive me away. I want a partner, not another person who is depending on me to provide for them. We teach our children to become independent, right? Spouses should have the opportunity to be with a person who comes to his table fully whole and who adds to his life, not detract from it. This isn't to say that we don't come to the marriage/relationship without baggage - we all do. But a healthy person tackles the part that gets in the way of current relationships. And yes, you are definitely on your journey.
Be gentle with yourself, Pink. As Calibri wisely said, those defense mechanisms used to serve a purpose. They no longer do. In fact they are causing pain. Sometimes, being in survival mode is the only thing you can do until you get to safe ground. But when you get to safe ground, it's time to move from survive to thrive.
I'll be anxious to hear your plan. I'm proud of you for being willing to brave your fears and start processing the pain. You're courageous.
HUGS!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
