Busting this Divorce - Moving Out

[HPoirot]

Thank you 25. I'll find that post for you. Towards the end of my last thread during another R talk I allowed.

Thank you Vanilla for your support. It's so nice when you and others say I'm doing well. I'm starting to believe it given that I've set a 1 year max on her really wanting our R to work. Holiday time next year. Now, everyday is not make or break. My daily mistakes mean much less. Her lashing out at me means much less... especially now that she's told me that comes from her fears, insecurities, and her IC has called her on her behavior. Plus, if she didn't have fears or anger then there really wouldn't be a chance as Justin pointed our before. So, even though I do not see the behavior from W that I want to see... I'm really understanding more that success is seeing in me the behavior I want to see.

...

Last night GAL at the condo was really good and really bad.

I was acting like my best self when s11 and I left for the condo. S11, though, was upset. He was playing a video game W just bought for him and was having a lot of trouble. In reality, he was anxious and sad. He was starting to act a little erratic and confused like he does when he's anxious. W showed a little irritation with his behavior. I got him out of there quickly.

On the ride to the condo, he started talking again about how much he hated all this, how his life was over, how mom wasn't going to live with us. By the time we got to the condo, he was in a full blown panic attack with crying and hyperventilating and saying "My life is over I don't know what to do."

Outside on the street in the drizzling rain, I worked with him. A combination of understanding but firmness gets through to him. I guess like my dad did with me... remind him of what is real right now, that he has control of himself, and encourage him he can get through.

"Remember how we had a great time with granddad at the arcade? Well right now we're here to have more good times. That's all. We'll eat pizza and watch a movie and have a good time."

I told him to look at me... how I was acting. Asked if he could do the same. He said he could and started trying.

He said "There's nothing I can do about this."

I said "Yes there is. You can try to be happy now. Find something to be happy about and do your best to feel that way. I'm here with you. I will help you."

It took 3 minutes. By the time we got to the door, he was calmer. He pulled out his phone and played a game for a bit in the lobby. Dad came down and took him up. I let him be responsible for carrying the pizza. I luckily forgot something in the car so he had some time alone with his granddad. I was proud of him. He pulled it together. I also had a chance to pull it together. I was angry walking in the rain back to the car.

The rest of the night was wonderful. We ate pizza at the table like a family. We usually don't eat at the table so this is something I will keep up with s11. My dad asked s11 about his school. At first, s11 mumbled but he started to warm up as he talked about things he likes.

Then we put the movie on... "guardians of the galaxy." By then he was his normal talkative self.

Dad gave me the keys to the condo. We discussed my plan to give my M a year. He thought it was great. He told me to just "get my sh*t together." Get my money right, get a life, no dating... just get stronger. He told me he was spending $200 on information about how to life a better life and be a better man. He said he was getting it for himself. He said he would send it to the condo and I should open it and use it. He'll get it from me the next time he sees me. He's the best dad in the world.

By the end of the evening, S11 was very happy. The movie was great. I mentioned again that we'd be moving here on Sunday. He acted a little confused again as he remembered W telling him he'd live with her a couple days ago. I talked with him, reassured him, kept my sadness in check. Told him about having Christmas here. Showed him where the tree would be. He asked if mom would be here. I told him no and I'm sorry.

On the way out... he hugs his granddad and said "I love you granddad." I've never heard him say that as he's never really spent time with him.

I gave my dad a hug too. I said "I love you dad." I don't know that I've ever told him that as an adult. Now I will, every time.

We make another GAL date for Friday evening at the condo. We'll have Chinese food and a movie. Dad will fly out the next day. We'll start moving in then.

Walking to the elevator, my son says "I can make the best of this." He's smiling. He says he had a great time. We will be OK.

Then we get back.

W is still up. As soon as he sees her, s11's mood gets sad again. He goes upstairs to get ready for bed. W says she'll be up with him in a minute. S11 calls me to come up with him. W looks disturbed by this as this is different for him to do. Me and s11 talk excitedly about the movie. I then remember the Friday GAL plan and tell W who is still downstairs. She look surprised and distressed. I ask her if she needs the car Friday night. She says no, she'll be at her company holiday party. I say great! I am not acting happy. I really am. She looks miserable.

I go to take my ice cold shower. I hear W in the bedroom setting up the iron. I know what this means... she's going to talk. I prepare my PMA.

I come out. She is waiting looking sad. I say "Still up?"

She starts to cry.

I swear, though, I saw no tears. I will really check that next time.

She looks pitiful. She starts again with "I know all of this is my fault but don't punish s11. Do you know what he just told me about Christmas?"

Right then, s11 walks in. Says he can't sleep.

And, immediately, W turns off her crying. Instantly starts talking normally to S11 and takes him out the room.

I do not wait... I go to sleep.

This morning I take S11 to the bus and I don't go home. I'm here now in a coffee shop until I'm sure she's gone to work. On the way out, W talks about me coming right back home with the car so she can drive to work. I say I'm walking with S11 to the bus today, no problem with the car. She says some other things like she wants me to come back home before he leaves. I say, "I was going out anyway" and leave with s11.

So she's still going to test me on Christmas with her crying which I see increasingly is for manipulation. It's very unattractive her acing this way.

Very.

...


Today I'm in a better mental space so I'm really going to get a solid day of work. I didn't yesterday.

Today I will stop checking my phone for messages from W. I still do that. I think I am starting to somehow enjoy these new interactions with W as I "win" them now. She is pursuing me with her crying and questions. She is reacting to me much more that I do to her now. I see how this is wrong behavior on my part. Pulling even farther back.

Continuing with move logistics.

Staying away from W tonight.

Tomorrow I'm out of town for work.

I'm going back to the old home and getting something to eat and getting to work.

Thank you again for your support. I really hope this post helps you if you need help.

Onward.

[sandi2]

She, crying, said something like... "b/c you looked at me so mad and I lashed out (trying to make you the big bad man) . I have all these issues from when I was a little girl (so she has a right to act like a brat). The need to feel cared for... (doesn't everyone have that need or is this an excuse for something else?) the need to control...(which means she'll have to manipulate) All these things. I am so wrong. Everything I've done is wrong (she keeps saying that, but she hasn't said she will stop/change). All of this that's happening is my fault. You've done nothing wrong. IC said you are in the driver's seat. I will support anything you want to do (seriously ?). I am wrong. I was telling my dad last night that you are a great man. You would be so better off without me. So better off. I'm so sorry."

I come out. She is waiting looking sad (time for her performance). I say "Still up?" (her cue to produce tears)

She starts to cry (on cue).

I swear, though, I saw no tears (but she was making the crying sounds, right?). I will really check that next time.

She looks pitiful. She starts again with "I know all of this is my fault but don't punish s11 (she really means herself, not the boy). Do you know what he just told me about Christmas?" (thought she was going to support anything you wanted to do, and now she's back to quilting.

Right then, s11 walks in. Says he can't sleep.

And, immediately, W turns off her crying. Instantly starts talking normally to S11 and takes him out the room.(end of evening performance

To me, I see a connection between these two conversations she's making. Whatever she suffered as a child, it appears that she learned at young age how to manipulate. She calls it control, but same thing. She has reverted to almost childlike actions several times, and I see her pretending to cry as her most usable tool. She plays on the empathy or guilt of whoever she is manipulating at the time. She probably has used it in the past to get attention, affection, or to get her way, etc. (her need to feel cared for) which manipulation is understandable as a young person.....but as one matures, they should grow out of that type of behavior or it truly does become a lifelong manipulative tactic. Sadly, we all know people who are very masterful in manipulation.

She hasn't leaned what you have......"stop doing what doesn't work", b/c she continues to repeat the same patterns.

On another note, I am so glad to hear about your new R with your dad. And, I think you are doing exceptionally well being there for your son and showing the strength he needs to see in you during this crises. Just assure him that he will still see his mom and spend time with her, but she will not be living with you for a while. Has he asked you any questions about why all this has happened?

[Vanilla]

I am so thrilled you are making the move gentler for s11. You can also make it slightly exciting by buying some small trinkets that he had chose.

This is what we did when we fostered offered the kids choices plus a few new and their own personal things.

I do so love an Xmas tree decorated by a child with its wonkiness and ad hoc decoration.

This is going to be great for all of you. Now where are the Xmas comestables going to go? The champagne on arrival, the favourite doormat, how about a small furry pet?
Now that's celebrating your new home.

HP you will know in due course what is the truth. Let it unfold.

Cheers

Vanilla

[HPoirot]

Thank you Sandi again for your incredible insights. I feel sad that my W is working to manipulate me with crying and screaming and threats.

I remember how she was acting before my condo BD... talking sweetly to me with a dreamy far-away look in her eyes about how good she felt separation would be (even while we're living under the same roof). Saying how when she was out and about having fun on her trip to DC with her "girlfriend," how she thought a lot about me and how it would be fun like she was having to be separated. Her fantasy. I would have lived with her for months like that without the help here to turn that around.

And now that she's like this... miserable and sobbing in front of me and in her bathroom so I can hear... I'm very appreciative to you and everyone for letting me know what this is really about.

Yes she makes crying... more like sobbing... noises and loudly. She looks very pitiful, very full-body dramatic, and I do sometimes she her tearing up. But not a lot of actual tears (except during her breakdown). I could be wrong there but I'm sure to have another opportunity before I leave here.

It's interesting b/c since my condo BD, she has canceled her overnights or entire days out. Interesting she said she cancelled her scheduled overnights next year too. And her half transparency about where she goes which I did not ask for and keep telling her I don't want.

So that's all part of her manipulation to get me back under control... like when she used to threaten to "separate" whenever I gave her trouble. Now that I'm leaving her and she's "homeless" and has no other power over me except s11, she plays nice or the victim mother of poor s11 to get a family Christmas and maybe even get back into the condo... maybe even to live in her thinking. Right now... she says she will likely have to sleep on someone's couch for weeks. It's good to know all this b/c she is really wearing me down.

Even now... I have clearly said no texts or calls unless it is an S11 emergency more than once. Still, she has already texted me twice today asking if S11's handheld video game system can be repaired (really?) and if I want to share responsibility for s11's tuition (which is an obvious yes she'll have to pay her share and was already discussed). I do not respond.

So regarding her I'll just keep going like this... Pulling way way way back... staying away from her... only showing PMA and no anger... looking like I'm moving on b/c I really really am at this point.

I am very very blessed for my dad. I see I am a lucky person... and everything seems to be happening for the best. That my dad was in town now was an accident. That Wonka suggested I move to the condo alone didn't have to happen. I might have moved in with W and not discovered the depth of her PA (I was still unsure at the time) unless I went against DB and snooped. And then my dad understanding exactly what I'm going through. My new R with my dad. My son's new R with my dad. My chance to really bond with my son. We also have a free vacation... I friend I told about my sitch offered for me and s11 to housesit their home on a lake in the woods over summer. We're going camping. I'll invite my dad if he's around. And my friend's wife is a counselor who has been through D. She has offered to talk with me. I may even travel to Miami over spring break with s11. You know what... I will do that.

So many good things. I can almost say the positives are outweighing the giant negative that is my W's choice.

I'm know without a doubt a few days away from her will greatly tip that scale.

And yes Vanilla... all this GAL at the condo is for s11 to get used to living there. I will do as you suggest and get him something to really celebrate our move. And I'll treat myself to a drink after he goes to sleep. I'm planning to buy a couple new suits too. I am excited.

I really am.

[Wonka]

HP,

Sandi is really spot on with her analysis of your W's Oscar worthy performance.

Just be on the guard for any potential Wet Noodle moments.

Four more days to FREEDOM!!!

[sandi2]

That is so good to hear from you. I've seen it suggested on the board for men to change the decor around in the home (after the separation) to look the way they wanted it, and not how the W left it. So maybe your son can get excited about "just you men" fixing your man cave. Let him have free reign in decorating his own room. As long as it has a door that shuts, who cares?

In spite of his disappointment and hurt at his mom, I think he is going to like the new closeness with you. "It's just us guys" can be beneficial to his preteen years. That is not saying it would not be better for the M to R, but you are making the best out of a bad situation.

I think the advice you were given about waiting till the end of day when both you and W get home to deal with all her texting is the way to go. She is really making herself a nuisance, isn't she?

When she refers to herself as homeless or says she will have to sleep on "someone's" couch, do you have to bite your tongue till it bleeds? I could think of all kind of come-backs for that one, but not any you should probably use. I believe you telling her what you have is the best, "I'm sure you will figure something out". I like that statement.

HP, it is amazing how much you have done since you finally decided to turn things around. I am really proud of you. Not proud the M did not get any better. (In my VP, I think this is what it will take in order for it to get better). But I am referring to how you have found your inner strength again. You are acting like a man any woman would be a fool to leave, IMO. You get better every day, so don't let her tactics wear you down to the point of giving in to what she wants. That is why she keeps repeating this pattern.

Just keep coming here when you have a weak moment or just need to hear from someone to keep you going. I bet some of us will see your S.O.S.

[HPoirot]

Quick question that just occurred to me...

I did not tell my W about S11's panic attack about his fear of our separation last night. I took care of it... but she is very sensitive about his anxiety and ADD. Should I have told her? I figured no b/c I am taking care of S11 and I do not want any problem moving to the condo. Thank you.

[Wonka]

HP,

Your S11's emotion was situational that was specific in reaction to the marital problems that needed to be addressed at the moment which you did and I think you handled it really well. In my mind, you don't need to report back to W on every little thing that happens with S11. You were the parent on duty and addressed it in that particular moment. Just keep an eye out for S11's emotional and mental state of mind.

[sandi2]

IMO, I think she would use it to hammer you against the move. If S11 tells her, then you can inform her it lasted a very short time and he was over it. Don't just volunteer to give her more ammunition b/c she will use it to her advantage.

[Wonka]

IMO, I think she would use it to hammer you against the move. If S11 tells her, then you can inform her it lasted a very short time and he was over it. Don't just volunteer to give her more ammunition b/c she will use it to her advantage.

^^^^^^

Spoken like an ex-WAW that she was! Wow. Sandi really gets the female WAW mind down pat to the two grey cells rubbing together.