She, crying, said something like... "b/c you looked at me so mad and I lashed out (trying to make you the big bad man) . I have all these issues from when I was a little girl (so she has a right to act like a brat). The need to feel cared for... (doesn't everyone have that need or is this an excuse for something else?) the need to control...(which means she'll have to manipulate) All these things. I am so wrong. Everything I've done is wrong (she keeps saying that, but she hasn't said she will stop/change). All of this that's happening is my fault. You've done nothing wrong. IC said you are in the driver's seat. I will support anything you want to do (seriously ?). I am wrong. I was telling my dad last night that you are a great man. You would be so better off without me. So better off. I'm so sorry."
Quote:
I come out. She is waiting looking sad (time for her performance). I say "Still up?" (her cue to produce tears)
She starts to cry (on cue).
I swear, though, I saw no tears(but she was making the crying sounds, right?). I will really check that next time.
She looks pitiful. She starts again with "I know all of this is my fault but don't punish s11 (she really means herself, not the boy). Do you know what he just told me about Christmas?" (thought she was going to support anything you wanted to do, and now she's back to quilting.
Right then, s11 walks in. Says he can't sleep.
And, immediately, W turns off her crying. Instantly starts talking normally to S11 and takes him out the room.(end of evening performance
To me, I see a connection between these two conversations she's making. Whatever she suffered as a child, it appears that she learned at young age how to manipulate. She calls it control, but same thing. She has reverted to almost childlike actions several times, and I see her pretending to cry as her most usable tool. She plays on the empathy or guilt of whoever she is manipulating at the time. She probably has used it in the past to get attention, affection, or to get her way, etc. (her need to feel cared for) which manipulation is understandable as a young person.....but as one matures, they should grow out of that type of behavior or it truly does become a lifelong manipulative tactic. Sadly, we all know people who are very masterful in manipulation.
She hasn't leaned what you have......"stop doing what doesn't work", b/c she continues to repeat the same patterns.
On another note, I am so glad to hear about your new R with your dad. And, I think you are doing exceptionally well being there for your son and showing the strength he needs to see in you during this crises. Just assure him that he will still see his mom and spend time with her, but she will not be living with you for a while. Has he asked you any questions about why all this has happened?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
