It is past 2am here in England and I can't get to sleep again. This time it is not because I have been rejected and am depressed. It is because I am so excited about the future. I have had a wonderful evening. There was nothing on TV and we had a quiet family night in. Everyone was in a good mood and there was much laughing and joking. I have had some really good advice especially from all you LDs. I see that confidence is sexy to an LD and I know that I need to flirt with her. I am saying to myself constantly "I am confident, sexy and strong". I did a lot of flirting this evening and I carefully noted what happened. Eye contact is the most important aspect. I noticed that when I talk to her after a second or so I tend to look at the bridge of her nose instead of her eyes. I made a point of looking into her eyes for longer and to my delight she was looking back into mine equally. In fact she started looking to me for conversation instead of the children. At bedtime I asked if she would like a cuddle and she snuggled into me spoon-style. I deliberately did not get too amorous and left my hand on her tummy - I adore her tummy - she has grown all my babies in there. I got aroused but instead of pulling away slightly so she would not feel it (I had got into that habit to avoid scaring her off) I was strong and confident and stayed close. She must have liked my rhythmic throbbing because she did not pull away. I am in heaven at the moment!
Aquarian You have a really nice aquarium. I had a smaller one until recently but the pump broke so my fish are staying with my brother. I will leave them there though because he has a big tank like yours.
Saturday morning. Woke up after very little sleep. Had spent hours on the forum again but in a much more positive frame of mind. Something has changed inside me. My heart is beating strongly but for the first time in 2 years I feel nothing for the Other Woman. Until now some of the heart beats were for W and some were for OW. I could always tell which was which because OWs heartbeats were tainted with fear. I searched carefully inside myself for OW but there was nothing there. The true path is clear. I am a one woman man and she is sleeping next to me at this moment. I made us cups of tea (I am an Englishman). There were no children around. I told her that I love her and thanked her for forgiving me for my affair and reassured her that although I cheated on her in my mind I did not have sexual relations with that woman (the truth). She said she believed me. I told her that I will never let her down again (and I mean it). I am only 4 days into this and already I feel 100 times better. If W ever picks up the book and reads it with the open mind of Corri and tears run down her face I am sure that life will be good.
Quote: Something has changed inside me. My heart is beating strongly but for the first time in 2 years I feel nothing for the Other Woman. Until now some of the heart beats were for W and some were for OW. I could always tell which was which because OWs heartbeats were tainted with fear. I searched carefully inside myself for OW but there was nothing there. The true path is clear. I am a one woman man and she is sleeping next to me at this moment.
Congratulations!! This is huge and wonderful and amazing, good job. I know this will have a positive affect on your wife, it will, without doubt, increase her trust levels and personal sense of security, since now there is no division of loyalties on the subconsious levels, no longer detracting from your marriage in those little subtle intangebles "can't put my finger on it" types of communication.
What wonderful posts to read! I'm so excited for you and hope you continue to be as patient and focused as you have been these past few days - these things take time especially when it's not the LD actively addressing the SSM. Keep up the great work!
Sunday 5:20 am. At last I got some sleep but I'm wide awake now. I am disappointed that hairdog has not read my suggestion to him on the "boot on other foot" thread yet. There are numerous ways to connect with our LDs but sometimes it takes someone else to spot them for us. Emotionally I am see-sawing from highly motivated to dispair and back again. I'm motivated because I can see positive signs that I would not have noticed before but I dispair when I think of the desire gap. I want all of the things that Dave36, CeMar etc. list in their proposed letters to W but there is a mountain to climb to get a fraction of it. As CeMar says, what counts is DESIRE. I asked W if she had her perfect husband (ie not me) how much sex would she like. None she replied. That's one hell of a desire gap. Actually I have been thinking. I bet if she was married to Alpha Male she would be quite hot. She is a woman of strong character. The trouble is I am relatively easy going so she tends to make all the decisions. Her life is going to change though because the Alpha Man in me (and there is one) has come out to play - and he's Confident, Sexy and Strong! For example: I (not W) have organised a big bowling outing tomorrow. There will be 5 adults (me, W, my 2 brothers and their Ws). Six children varying in age from 16 down to 3. It will be fun but different from usual. Usually I compete with my brothers. We all want to win. Not today though. I am going to relax and help W and D16 and make it a public (but not overbearing) display of my love for my W. I am going to give her plenty of attention (but I won't make a nuicense of my self by joining in and spoiling the W's gossip) but I will make sure that she knows that winning her is more important that winning the game.
She has even complained that she wants a man that is CONFIDENT in her marriage. I have never really figured this out unless it means that she wants a man that is confident that his wife LOVES him, without her having to make the effort to SHOW that he is loved. THe only problem with that is love is a PHYSICAL ACT. I can not receive love unless it is shown physically. This is where LD women and their actions fall apart on a HD man. HD men do not differentiate between desire for sex with the wife and LOVE for the wife. I know that I can not separate the two. If I loss desire for the wife physically, that will also be the day that I lose all love for her. LD women do not connect sexual desire to LOVE. Therefore, when they lose sexual interest, they don't see the problem, they still LOVE you! This will still be seen by the HD man as complete loss of love!! For many LD women, they see there HD husbands as the bottomless pit of sexual need, and no matter what they do, they will never be able to fill it. It seems like a huge task to them. No if they were HD women, it really is a manageable task, but LD/ND women just don't have the juice(testosterone) to get the job done in many cases. My guess is that even when us HD guys strip the problem down to teh absolute bare minimum for our own needs, the LD women still see this as a huge mountain for them to climb. I know that for me, I would love to have sex DAILY(like the first 4 years of my realtionship). My wife on the other hand is like yours. She has told me that if she never has sex again, that would be OK with her. So what is a possible negotiable solution? Every other day? That would be a 50 % reduction for my needs, and yet that would have a snowballs chance in h#ll for the wife to meet. Still looks like the bottomless pit for her. Twice a week. Barely aceeptable top me, probably is not acceptable to a ND women, still the bottomless pit! So what I have seen happen, is that for most HD guys with women that are ND, is that any solutions is probably going to be a whole lot closer to NO sex then to our desired levels.
Monday 01:20 am. Can't sleep again. The bowling was a great success. W played really well and won with a score of 156 - she teased me because 156 is my favourite number (I love my Alfa Romeo 156). I seduced her all day long with my eyes - did I tell you I have improved my eye contact technique - I look into her eyes rather than at the bridge of her nose. Conversation all day was spirited and fun particularly as D(16)'s new boyfriend came round in the afternoon. He's a nice guy and a great guitarist by the way. Bed time was disappointing mind you - W had sore ribs from the bowling and just wanted to sleep. CeMar, we differ a bit in that I am looking for signs of affection as much as sex. I'm a bit older than you I think (45) and I have come through the really desperate-for-sex times. I genuinely would be happy to get it once a month (thinks hard - once a week then) provided she could kiss me and say she loves me most days. My ultimate would be for her to reach for me in bed and it would just happen - no passion sapping negotiations. It is us that have to change CeMar before they will see the need to.
This is just my opinion, but I think when a woman says she wants a 'confident' man, what that means is she wants a man who sticks to his boundaries with quiet strength rather than blustery anger.
When a woman knows she can push her man off his boundary line, time and time again, she loses respect for him (and she doesn't even know it). She will talk down to him, snap at him, criticize him publicly, and run the show.... because he LETS her.
If you want more info on boundaries, there is a pretty good book on it called, "Boundaries in Marriage," by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend. In it you will learn:
* Why boundaries and the "Ten Laws of Boundaries" are vital for a thriving, productive marriage.
* How values form the structure and architecture of marriage.
* How to protect a marriage from intruders, whether parents, other people, affairs, or personal idols.
* Why each partner needs to establish personal boundaries, and how to go about it.
* How to work with a spouse who understands and values boundaries--and how to work with one who doesn't.
No, I'm not getting a commission on books I'm recommending. These two authors also have a book simply titled 'Boundaries.' I have not read that one.
SD, I hope your wife understands her contribution to your affair; yes, it was your decision, but she helped create the atmosphere that made you weak. If not, maybe the two of you will get to exploring that issue some day.
As for your mood swings, just go with them. I think it is normal for someone in your position. Don't fight them, and don't dread them (as that tends to make them worse and more frequent). Try deep breathing exercises when anxiety strikes, or, repeat your mantra to yourself over and over again, quietly and calmly. Take a walk, or start reading a book -- anything to distract yourself from the negative thoughts that start this up/down cycle.
And remember too, that 'patience' is the practice of empathy and tolerance. The better you are at practicing empathy and tolerance for yourself and those around you, the more patient you become.
Keep that chin up!!!
Corri
P.S. CeMar, I know you are trying to help, but do you see how your posts are full of negativity, anger, anguish and despair? Remember that old adage, if you can't say something nice, don't say nuthin' at all? Encourage people, hand out your references, start and STICK TO your own thread to vent on your own, but gosh, stop making everything about you on other people's threads, okay?
Don't be too hard on CeMar, Corri. He thinks the same way as I do sometimes but he writes it all down. He and I both have an anger problem - we have many wasted years behind us and feel a lot of resentment. Steve Bidulph in his book "Manhood" describes the middle part of marriage as "The long dark night of the penis". I cried all the way through that book. We have to do a lot of 180 degree U turns but it is really dark and our lights are dim at the moment. It's hard to see the road ahead. SD
These two authors also have a book simply titled 'Boundaries.' I have not read that one.