Good job on the text exchange, UC. Then pull back. It is up to W to decide when to get her stuff. Don't push it. It seems that you push because it is a painful reminder of what was between you and W so you want her stuff out of sight. Right or wrong?
Right. I push because I feel like I'm tied to a rope she is holding and don't like being tugged along. My gut reaction is to push her further away and cut off any control she has to protect myself. I love her and do want to reconcile, but I feel like I'm approaching many of my emotional limits in all this. :-/
UpperCut Me: 28 W: 25 Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home) S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15) No kids
I am going to show you a different way of looking at this:
Originally Posted By: UpperCu
I push because I feel like I'm tied to a rope she is holding and don't like being tugged along.
Your wife doesn't have a rope nor is she holding on to one at all. It is the LBS who is holding on to an imaginary rope to the WAS. The choice is to continue holding on to the rope or dropping it. Detachment and GALing helps a long way in letting go of the rope. This is why we constantly hammer this point to newbies on the importance of GALing.
I've got GALing down pretty good now. I have a new workout routine, a solid group of friends, a pastor I meet with regularly, and a couple of fun trips planned with friends.
Detachment is harder for me. I feel like I'm afraid of moving on. W and I have such a history together that includes a big network of many mutual friends, our families go to the same church back at home, our moms are friends, etc. I guess I never imagined our M ending so in some sense I am in denial that this is actually happening.
What is the difference between detachment and moving on completely? I feel like I need to find that answer right now.
I hear you Wonka, she is running around doing her thing and I'm the one holding onto the rope being dragged behind her. I'll be thinking on this today.
UpperCut Me: 28 W: 25 Married: 4 yrs Together: 7 yrs Dday: 9/14 (W ends affair & comes home) S: 12/14 (W restarted affair 1/15; moved near OM 2/15) No kids
Sounds like you are doing good in the GAL department.
Originally Posted By: UpperCu
What is the difference between detachment and moving on completely? I feel like I need to find that answer right now.
Detachment: You are not emotionally or mentally chained to what a person does or does not do. Detachment means being loving from a distance and dropping the rope. What I mean by this, you are not being influenced or affected by W's words, actions, or behaviors or lack thereof. You still care about and even love the person. It could be a family member, friend, or spouse.
Moving On: It is a state of being that you are completely done with the situation/person and have completely closed the door on the experience. No looking back. One forges a new life or new experience. You appreciate the experience and have put it firmly under your belt. All of your focus and mental energy is on forging a new path forward for yourself.
Think way back to your high school or college when you had a girlfriend. You broke up and you moved on, right? How did that feel to you? That's what moving on really means.
This are my thoughts. I am sure others will chime in with their thoughts on the differences between detachment and moving on.
Thanks for that Wonka, because I was suffering from the same thought process as UC.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
For me detachment is kind of like loving a friend who has a spending problem.... you still love them but if they empty the bank account and don't have money for rent it doesn't effect your life.
That's how I looked at it. And that's how I continue to view H's life. What he does is up to him but I don't get involved.
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
Detachment for me is to let go of the outcome and projecting active love. This is a 'pushing' movement from inside to the other person. Upperc not a 'pulling' one. You feel you are holding on to a rope when you are attached, the other is leading, but for me in detachment my higher power is using me to give away and loosen and I am capable of staying still. I project the active love from my tummy, it then is not my need or want but their care and love. The other does not need to know you are doing this but they can sense it.
For me Moving on is like saying goodbye to a favourite restaurant that has changed hands. It's the same building but the food etc is no longer on your menu. You remember the good stuff and release the bad.
Wonka says it better but this is how it feels to me. Vanilla
Last edited by Vanilla; 12/11/1412:12 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
For me Moving on is like saying goodbye to a favourite restaurant that has changed hands. It's the same building but the food etc is no longer on your menu. You remember the good stuff and release the bad.
Vanilla, I quite like that image. No animus, just moving on.
