Busting this Divorce - Moving Out

[HPoirot]

Thank you 25. I'll find that post for you. Towards the end of my last thread during another R talk I allowed.

Thank you Vanilla for your support. It's so nice when you and others say I'm doing well. I'm starting to believe it given that I've set a 1 year max on her really wanting our R to work. Holiday time next year. Now, everyday is not make or break. My daily mistakes mean much less. Her lashing out at me means much less... especially now that she's told me that comes from her fears, insecurities, and her IC has called her on her behavior. Plus, if she didn't have fears or anger then there really wouldn't be a chance as Justin pointed our before. So, even though I do not see the behavior from W that I want to see... I'm really understanding more that success is seeing in me the behavior I want to see.

...

Last night GAL at the condo was really good and really bad.

I was acting like my best self when s11 and I left for the condo. S11, though, was upset. He was playing a video game W just bought for him and was having a lot of trouble. In reality, he was anxious and sad. He was starting to act a little erratic and confused like he does when he's anxious. W showed a little irritation with his behavior. I got him out of there quickly.

On the ride to the condo, he started talking again about how much he hated all this, how his life was over, how mom wasn't going to live with us. By the time we got to the condo, he was in a full blown panic attack with crying and hyperventilating and saying "My life is over I don't know what to do."

Outside on the street in the drizzling rain, I worked with him. A combination of understanding but firmness gets through to him. I guess like my dad did with me... remind him of what is real right now, that he has control of himself, and encourage him he can get through.

"Remember how we had a great time with granddad at the arcade? Well right now we're here to have more good times. That's all. We'll eat pizza and watch a movie and have a good time."

I told him to look at me... how I was acting. Asked if he could do the same. He said he could and started trying.

He said "There's nothing I can do about this."

I said "Yes there is. You can try to be happy now. Find something to be happy about and do your best to feel that way. I'm here with you. I will help you."

It took 3 minutes. By the time we got to the door, he was calmer. He pulled out his phone and played a game for a bit in the lobby. Dad came down and took him up. I let him be responsible for carrying the pizza. I luckily forgot something in the car so he had some time alone with his granddad. I was proud of him. He pulled it together. I also had a chance to pull it together. I was angry walking in the rain back to the car.

The rest of the night was wonderful. We ate pizza at the table like a family. We usually don't eat at the table so this is something I will keep up with s11. My dad asked s11 about his school. At first, s11 mumbled but he started to warm up as he talked about things he likes.

Then we put the movie on... "guardians of the galaxy." By then he was his normal talkative self.

Dad gave me the keys to the condo. We discussed my plan to give my M a year. He thought it was great. He told me to just "get my sh*t together." Get my money right, get a life, no dating... just get stronger. He told me he was spending $200 on information about how to life a better life and be a better man. He said he was getting it for himself. He said he would send it to the condo and I should open it and use it. He'll get it from me the next time he sees me. He's the best dad in the world.

By the end of the evening, S11 was very happy. The movie was great. I mentioned again that we'd be moving here on Sunday. He acted a little confused again as he remembered W telling him he'd live with her a couple days ago. I talked with him, reassured him, kept my sadness in check. Told him about having Christmas here. Showed him where the tree would be. He asked if mom would be here. I told him no and I'm sorry.

On the way out... he hugs his granddad and said "I love you granddad." I've never heard him say that as he's never really spent time with him.

I gave my dad a hug too. I said "I love you dad." I don't know that I've ever told him that as an adult. Now I will, every time.

We make another GAL date for Friday evening at the condo. We'll have Chinese food and a movie. Dad will fly out the next day. We'll start moving in then.

Walking to the elevator, my son says "I can make the best of this." He's smiling. He says he had a great time. We will be OK.

Then we get back.

W is still up. As soon as he sees her, s11's mood gets sad again. He goes upstairs to get ready for bed. W says she'll be up with him in a minute. S11 calls me to come up with him. W looks disturbed by this as this is different for him to do. Me and s11 talk excitedly about the movie. I then remember the Friday GAL plan and tell W who is still downstairs. She look surprised and distressed. I ask her if she needs the car Friday night. She says no, she'll be at her company holiday party. I say great! I am not acting happy. I really am. She looks miserable.

I go to take my ice cold shower. I hear W in the bedroom setting up the iron. I know what this means... she's going to talk. I prepare my PMA.

I come out. She is waiting looking sad. I say "Still up?"

She starts to cry.

I swear, though, I saw no tears. I will really check that next time.

She looks pitiful. She starts again with "I know all of this is my fault but don't punish s11. Do you know what he just told me about Christmas?"

Right then, s11 walks in. Says he can't sleep.

And, immediately, W turns off her crying. Instantly starts talking normally to S11 and takes him out the room.

I do not wait... I go to sleep.

This morning I take S11 to the bus and I don't go home. I'm here now in a coffee shop until I'm sure she's gone to work. On the way out, W talks about me coming right back home with the car so she can drive to work. I say I'm walking with S11 to the bus today, no problem with the car. She says some other things like she wants me to come back home before he leaves. I say, "I was going out anyway" and leave with s11.

So she's still going to test me on Christmas with her crying which I see increasingly is for manipulation. It's very unattractive her acing this way.

Very.

...


Today I'm in a better mental space so I'm really going to get a solid day of work. I didn't yesterday.

Today I will stop checking my phone for messages from W. I still do that. I think I am starting to somehow enjoy these new interactions with W as I "win" them now. She is pursuing me with her crying and questions. She is reacting to me much more that I do to her now. I see how this is wrong behavior on my part. Pulling even farther back.

Continuing with move logistics.

Staying away from W tonight.

Tomorrow I'm out of town for work.

I'm going back to the old home and getting something to eat and getting to work.

Thank you again for your support. I really hope this post helps you if you need help.

Onward.