Today was a tough day, but putting me against the wall made me concentrate and isolate what really hurts inside my soul to date.
The sexual abuse and the spanking has giving me more pain then far more then all things I have been through in my life.
My IC is very smart and I like him a lot. He worked with me to get out of the big desperation I was after the D bomb. He told me last week that it is time to work on me.
I told him the truth and felt really good that I can talk to him with such freedom.
It's really hard to talk about these two issues because I go back and feel like I am the little girl again. It is even hard to explain how I turn into that child.
But I agree with you both, that it is time to face it with tears or not, I need to find the way to get passed it. I will talk to my IC tomorrow and develop a plan with him and with the help I am getting here, I know I will be able to accomplish it. The truth is that I already started that path, I am cleaning the closet already.
My dependency started with my husband, maybe because he felt so responsible since the first day I got to USA. He says we are and will always be super good friends with or without our R and I think he is right. Because our situation, we got extremely close and relied on each other a lot.
But here comes the bad side, he is the only person for me. I have friends but not in a very deep relationship. I never gave that space to anyone. I am a very likable person, I am easy going, optimistic, fun to a point, do not put my nose in anyone's business, I don't really judge people.
So I have a case of dependency on him. Maybe he is suffocated by this. I was thinking why he kept saying over and over that I do not have friends and that he is really worried. I told him I have my friends and they are helping me with all what going through, but he knows people, he can read people much better then me, and he probably knows me better then I know myself, he knows all what you also knows now.
FEAR... I have a lot of fear, insecurities that came from fear. ANXIETY... I feel very anxious when I am alone. If I need to go somewhere, I get very anxious and I delay the departure, I procrastinate.
I was not like this my whole life, I became more and more afraid of moving forward. I now see I have been lost for a long time and in denial.
How do I want to see myself? I would like to see myself, not the many masks I put to get through the day.
How do I get there? Like Underdog said... a little bit every day... I did start today and feel good I did.
Regarding my M. I don't know what will happen, maybe we have a chance, maybe not. I really don't know because I still can't figure it out. But I think that I can put it aside for a little while and work on myself instead.
When I met my H in 1996 we were in a very large Sales Meeting in Ixtapa, Mexico. I was out of a R with someone I loved a lot. I was not married to him but we were together from 1992 to 1994. H met a very nice lady, I was very pretty, secure of myself, happy with a big smile in my face. I had my good job with a good pay, I was very thin and looking good. So he met someone very independent.
It make sense that he is feeling I am so dependent now. He knew someone very different. I doesn't mean I don't resolve all issues around the house, but I became a mom and a annoying wife and forgot the woman behind.
Ahg... my stomach hurts again, my head hurts and I feel I would like to put myself inside a well and cover it. I am so sorry I didn't see all this before, why I was so stupid I lost a good man because I was blind? Sorry, I am just venting... I hope things will get better and I can be happy again.
Right now I see it so far away, but I know that we all go through tough times but if I do my best, I can get there. I think it is just facing my issues put me in a crying mode today.
One thing I am thankful today is that I am having help from you guys... I am really thankful, I feel stronger to face all this that keeps eating my soul. You give me courage to tackle my demons.
Like I said, I will meet my IC tomorrow, and I will let you know what plan we will have to resolve unfinished business inside of me.
Hugs, hugs and hugs. I want the hugs and kisses, so I will start giving them.
