We crossed posts, but you can see that I back-slid a little at our session today. Luckily, I had the seperation agreement as a basis to lean against as she tried to get a rise out of me, but I did bring up trust and the kids. I was really trying not to do that, but she threw a curve ball at me.
I do think that my detachment is helping me and getting her a little nervous as I see that as sandi2 says, W would smooth me over with some hope in R to get what she wanted. This has happened at least two times. Its apparent that I'm not standing for that anymore.
This weekend was my first weekend that I felt truly like I was starting to GAL. I need to formalize it more, but there's not much that I'm really interested in doing right now. However, emotionally I'm in a much better place right now. I get most of my GAL at work, but I know that I need to figure something out. Problem is I'm a home-body and almost all of my friends are married w/children. So I need to make that first big step.
As far as my plan for not judging, I need to do more homework. This is another one that if I look, I only see show up in my M based on what W says, no one else seems to have any issues with me passing judgment. I wonder if its because my M was the only place I let my guard down, I don't know. I guess that I have the tendency to think about people's decisions, but never do anything to show or comment on it. Maybe in my M, I did show it too much and now with the kids its manifesting again.
I can tell you honestly, I'm still resentful that she could walk out the door and instantly her expectation (and probably reality) is that my time being with the kids for the next 15 years is cut in half. That hurts....
To look at some of the constructive criticism I've gotten at work over the last 15 years, I guess maybe I can draw some parallels. I will say that folks know that I have high expectations of people, every once in a while unreasonable. When I say unreasonable, I mean about once or twice a year at work setting a deadline that is too difficult to meet. However to be a little boastful; I've always been very engaged in my career and a high performer.
I can say that a big wake-up call for me about 1 month after S was that I was temporarily 'removed' from my position in order to give me time to work on my personal life and take care of my family. It was an all-time low in my career and I'm still fighting to get back into the mix and show them that I have control of the stuff going on at work. However, maybe this high expectation tendency goes hand-in-hand with passing judgement.
Well, the other thing that has my PMA down right now is that I'm seeing just how complex the issues my W needs to address in order to get some resolution in this. I know I'm going to be fine however this turns out; its just tonight is one of those nights that it feels like we'll need a miracle.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
