I also know my H and he'll only give this separation a year. He would have filed in July and never looked back. Based on history, if he doesn't feel like staying married to me by the end of June, he's gone.
I would say you really cant say that you would know what he would do because you never expected him to do this, right?
Originally Posted By: Ss06
Granted, he hasn't filed anything official but I don't know that that means anything. I feel strung along.
I think you feel strung along because you are looking to him to determine your life. When in reality, you should just be living it as if he isnt coming back. Live it without regard to what he says or does.
Originally Posted By: Ss06
He is granting me this separation. Why? Because I asked for it.
I think if he was really sure, it would not matter what you asked.
Originally Posted By: Ss06
But if I talk to him about things (which I won't do anymore because I'll end up on the floor with the vacuum again) he wants a divorce, can't get past all the things I did to him during our marriage, only sees everything as my fault, is very angry, etc.
They all stick to the stories in their head. We have all heard variations of that speech.
Originally Posted By: Ss06
I guess it's pretty clear he's out and done. So why not file? Even for a legal separation?
See above. Many of them say they are going to file and dont. Thats not to say he wont, because he might. But you have no idea what is going on in the craziness in his head.
Originally Posted By: Ss06
Ugh, it's so complicated and I'm not very good at articulating it all.
I dont think its as complicated as you think. He is unhappy with himself and his life. He thinks that by eliminating you and the marriage, the things closest to him, his life will be fixed. But the truth is the only way it can be fixed is if he fixes himself.
Originally Posted By: Ss06
Boundaries I can set. I don't tell him where his keys, etc are. What bothers me is his expectation that I SHOULD.
And that he doesn't see the absolute chaos surrounding me when he's asking.
It doesn't matter.
It does matter, S, because you matter. You have to change his expectation with your actions. You keep trying to keep peace. Thats not your job. He needs to understand, with your actions and attitude, that you are no longer responsible for anything to do with him. Your fear is keepng you stuck and afraid to do what you need to do.
Originally Posted By: Ss06
I guess I should practice what I preach to Card and live like I'm already dead. That's a lot easier when I don't have to interact with him over 10,000 things related to D.
I hope you meant something else up there and not that you are dead. LOL! S, it is harder when you have a young child, but, possible to detach.
It really has to do with your attitude and how you feel about you. My xh was very controlling and would put me down.
He tried to do that when we were separated. It took some time, but, when I felt good about me, my attitude was different around him, ya know?
One day he came to drop something off for our son. He was about to make a derogatory comment. I held up my hand and said, "Those kinds of comments are no longer something I will allow." And then I walked away.
I wasnt nasty, but I showed strength. It took a few more times, but, trust me, he got it.
Sounds like while you've had a year to "fix" the M, H has also (regardless of if he realizes it or not) had a year to "fix" himself. And it sounds like he's not doing a great job of that.
It's alot easier to blame our problems and unhappiness on other people, than to really, truly look at ourselves.
You've done the hard work. You're doing the hard work. H sounds unhappy with lots of things. Perhaps he thinks that by ending the M everything else will change. If Ss is the problem, once she's out of the picture, things will change, right? It'll all get better. (And I'm totally mind reading, so feel free to slap me if I'm getting out of bounds.) Funny thing is, he's been out how long? Doesn't sound like things are getting better with him. That might be where he's at. He's separated, (in his mind he may be on his way to divorce, we can only speculate) -- but things didn't get better for him? He's still unhappy, he's still upset about his weight, etc. So now what? And unfortunately, that's his issue. And I'd be tempted to say something along those lines, but you're in a situation where you can't because then you're back to the old Ss who is controlling, etc. But you know, sometimes people need to hear it. (Don't listen to me tho....I'm in the same boat. Look where speaking my mind has gotten me!)
Slight thread/post hijack -- you know H blamed me for everything under the sun when he left? Thought his life was going to be AMAZING once he got away from me. Truth is, once he got away from me, he got worse, and realized that I wasn't the source of all the problems in his life (unless he's blowing complete smoke up my ass). And I think he's stumped - because now it's like "Oh [censored], now what?"
Back to you: you know that you cannot fix this. In the current mindset H is in, it's his way or nothing. And that's on him. You can control your boundaries, and once the holidays are over (soon --- so soon!) hopefully your interactions can be less. And by all means, when it comes down to take the tree down -- tell him you'll need help putting the boxes away.
((Ss))
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
I feel like he is very much in control of the outcome here. Frankly, I feel like he has already decided on what the outcome will be. It feels like emotional blackmail.
Why is he in charge of the outcome? You could decide whatever you want for your life. You get to choose if you want to stand or not. You get to choose how you walk this. You get to decide what your life will look like. You have power in all this, S.
Originally Posted By: Ss06
Like he's saying:
Be better, be amazing, don't get upset, don't ask questions, don't expect anything from me at all but put up with everything I dish out and be grateful.
Thats not what dbing is all about. Its not about keeping your mouth shut and rolling over. Its about becoming your best self. Its about becoming strong. So that you do things differently then you did before if you need to. Its about changing those things that YOU think need changing. It isnt about allowing him to do whatever he wants. Its about accepting that this is his choice and that you are going to live your life in the best way you know how.
About the lights, you allowed him to walk away without putting things away because you feel he should know to do that. But that didnt get the lights put away. So, you had two choices. You could have said something in a way that wasnt patronizing. "I would appreciate it if you help put the boxes away before you go as it is difficult for me to maneuver them." or you put them away. Your choice.
You are allowing him to take advantage of you, S. You have the power to stop that. You have to act from a place of strenght, not fear.
About the nail for the wreath...just do that stuff yourself, S. You dont need him for that.
uR, thanks or being patient with me. It's sinking in... slowly but it really is.
Calibri, Yes. I get it. You know I do. We're two peas in a very ugly pod. Together we shall prevail!
I had to talk to H today to plan the timing of the assessment for D at children's hospital. I mentioned the boxes... Very politely.
He said, "oh right, yes. I can absolutely put them away, no problem. I"ll be over later on to help with that, is that ok?"
Wha? I'm stunned.
And I need to move out of my own head because I make my life so freaking difficult by being in here.
FWIW, uR, I didn't ask him to hang the wreath. Nope. I wouldn't do that. I mentioned in passing, almost under my breath, like, "hmmm, I gotta get a nail in the door to hang that wreath" and before I finished getting water for the dog I heard hammering. It was so strange.
Those are two really really positive things... you can see that, right?
And a good example of how one person's change CAN change the dynamic.
Why did no one ever teach us this stuff earlier?!
Yes! I see it! It's HUGE, Claire!
Truth is, and i hate to admit this, but if someone came up to me two years ago and said, "ss, if you change yourself completely, H will follow and things will be better" I would have laughed in your face.
Attagirl, S. You showed him something different. How did that feel?
Show strength because you are strong. Show positivity because you know you are going to be ok no matter what happens.
Do not allow him and his nonsense to push you off your path.
I know you didnt ask for the wreath to be hung. I just kinda would have liked for you to have gotten the nail and the hammer and just do it without a word, ya know?
You are right where you need to be...but, yes, you do need to get out of your own head...and his, too.
I enjoy reading your posts - I am sorry you are in the situation you are and I must agree with you - this all hurts so freaking bad. I have not lost the 30 pounds but I have lost weight too. My wife and I have two little kids which makes all of this more painful and desperate feeling.
Attagirl, S. You showed him something different. How did that feel?
Show strength because you are strong. Show positivity because you know you are going to be ok no matter what happens.
Do not allow him and his nonsense to push you off your path.
I know you didnt ask for the wreath to be hung. I just kinda would have liked for you to have gotten the nail and the hammer and just do it without a word, ya know?
You are right where you need to be...but, yes, you do need to get out of your own head...and his, too.
I showed him something kind of different but he showed me something SUPER different by being aware of the mess left behind, offering to help AND doing it (he's here right now).
How does it feel? It feels like progress. Is progress a feeling?
His nonsense is always pushing me off my path. Even tonight.
I feel like he's a bull in a china shop and I'm running around trying to protect all the things he's breaking without noticing. I can't ask him not to come inside the china shop so I'm doing damage control while he's here. It's hard not to follow the bull around the china shop instead of minding my own business, you know? And then when he leaves, I sweep up pieces for days.
About the wreath, there's nothing I could have done about that. I can't control him having hung it from my whisper to myself. The man is half deaf from mixing and mastering his own music; he can't hear half of what I say but he heard that?
But I'll tell ya what I will be doing on my own... I have to buy two tires and get an alignment. Something I've never done before. I'm eager to learn and take care of my own car!
Stay out of heads. That's my goal for the rest of the week.
Thats not what dbing is all about. Its not about keeping your mouth shut and rolling over. Its about becoming your best self. Its about becoming strong. So that you do things differently then you did before if you need to. Its about changing those things that YOU think need changing. It isnt about allowing him to do whatever he wants. Its about accepting that this is his choice and that you are going to live your life in the best way you know how.
About the lights, you allowed him to walk away without putting things away because you feel he should know to do that. But that didnt get the lights put away. So, you had two choices. You could have said something in a way that wasnt patronizing. "I would appreciate it if you help put the boxes away before you go as it is difficult for me to maneuver them." or you put them away. Your choice.
You are allowing him to take advantage of you, S. You have the power to stop that. You have to act from a place of strenght, not fear.
I'm so glad uR said this cause what I was gonna say was similar. Can you print her response and use it as the background on your phone?
About boundaries with D and H and squabbling in your presence.
"D and H, when you quarrel like this it makes me uncomfortable and sad. I'm going to my room and give you privacy to work this out."
And go to your room.
You'll have to do this every time in order to protect yourself. It may effect their behavior in may not, that's not the point. You're removed from the fray.
Bury your victim.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
