Separated, but still friends

[Underdog]

(((((Pink)))))

Well, I was thinking either sexual abuse or alcoholism and rage, but not both. That's incredibly hard, and thank you so much for sharing. I know it's hard. There is so much there that I think I know what I want to say.

So now I know some of what's is wrong, I told my IC about some of this issues. But I don't know how to clean them up inside me. So, if you have any idea, I will sure try and start a new life. I know it will take time, but I want to became myself and I am up to the hard work.

As my dad says, you eat an elephant one bite at a time. It looks daunting, but it doesn't really matter where you start, just *that* you start.

I completely understand your isolation and holding back. I truly do. I've been accused of that in my own intimate relationships, and it is 100% truthful. I'm a work in progress. Everyone is.

Rather than focus on your marriage, I'd like to see you focus on addressing some of these childhood wounds. My parents also employed spanking, only because it was how they were parented. I've forgiven them as well. They didn't spank me to the extent you were (I was mouthy and probably didn't show enough respect anyway). And while I can sense that you have forgiven her, apparently that isn't enough. There's some forgiveness issue lurking under the surface. Understandably. If I were in your shoes and facing these wounds for the first time before wanting to heal them, I'd have to acknowledge that I was angry with my mom for 1) making poor choices with men; 2) allowing men into her life without protecting ME; and 3) For not seeking help for all involved.

There, that's out now. And you can't change the past. You can't even change how you feel about your past, until you address it, process it and let it go. Not sweep it under the rug, Pink. But let it go, and then it will allow you to stop letting your inability/unwillingness to be vulnerable have so much power in your life.

My own mom grew up in a very proper English household. One did not speak out or utter any impolite words or feelings to the point that it was praised to act dishonestly for the sake of being proper. And no I Love You's were said, nor was their outward physical affection. My dad's family is the complete opposite. They have lived all over the world, they say gushy and meaningful words, they've always told me they loved me and yes, they are huggers and kissers. My mom was initially very uncomfortable being around them. But deep down inside, she had always dreamed of having people hug her. So she decided that her way svcked and that she'd work on being more affectionate. I can still see parts of her parenting that hold on to her upbringing, but she can hold her own.

At the age of 49, my guess is that it's not going to be easy for you. I mean, nobody would expect you to wake up tomorrow and tell everyone you love them and start hugging them. But you can start small. Start by telling people how grateful you are for what they do or say or for acts of kindness that touch you.

What have you done for the depression? It runs in my family as well, so I'm not saying this with judgment.

The bad thing about defense mechanisms that aren't literally life and death situations is that you protect yourself from hurt, but you also insulate yourself from love. And in order to love others, you have to love yourself first. By protecting your heart, your soul is telling you that it is painful.

But I never want to be alone, even to go to the supermarket. I always want someone with me.

Can you tap into this childhood wound a little bit and expound a bit?

When the kids started getting older, money was necessary and I started cleaning house with a friend. The money was excellent but it destroyed my confidence. I know how hard this work is, I know it is a honest way of making money, but I develop a sense of inferiority and it became another problem for my R w/H.

Society today makes this very issue so doggone difficult. When I first moved to Colorado in 1991, I was a newlywed and hadn't been without at least ONE job since I was 15 years old. It was really hard for awhile... I was unemployed for 9 months. Yes, I had a husband to support me, but this was about who I defined as me. And my self worth was tied up in my paycheck. So I DO understand. But what I ultimately learned is that having a job no more defines me than what other people think of me. It's a means to an end. Period. It means that I'm willing to do whatever I need to do to take care of my family. There is no shame in that, Pink.

I'll share a quick story with you. It's something about this new age of American culture that disappoints me. I grew up the daughter of a policeman. We never had money, and my dad worked 2 side jobs on his days off to bring more money in. My XH's family is of Norwegian descent (he's 2nd generation). They also have a very strong work ethic. So it's ingrained in me. Back in 2008 when the markets crashed, a friend of ours lost 2 meaningful jobs within 2 years. His wife was having back problems and it was getting tough for her to sit at a desk, and they had 2 kids. Another mutual friend of ours owns his own company, and offered him a very lucrative desk job. It wasn't exciting, but it paid decently, with the opportunity of making more. Our friend offered it to him with full understanding that when he found a job in his field, he could move on without hard feelings. This person had been out of work for almost a year when this offer was placed. And is wife was getting more and more debilitated by her desk job and was in dire need of surgery. Yet he turned our friend down. Why? "Because doing that job is beneath me. You should ask my wife if she wants it." We were so angry with him. This entitled crap is embarrassing. It's not the old American way.

And BTW, my mom has a college education, is a classically trained pianist and she cleaned houses for years to bring in extra money while we were in school. My dad has a degree in Criminal Justice from American University, yet his side jobs were painting houses and working at the local bowling alley. You do what you need to do to protect your own. Be proud of that.

Losing him woke me up. It was like I could see again. I got myself an IC, I decided to educate myself about R, M and issues related to it. I found out I have many gaps that are not related to H that I need to fill.

And that's why I say that it's bitter/sweet... this pain made me to wake up old wounds that I need to address or I will never be happy even with myself.

This is exactly what I would advise you to do. You can't expect your H to fill the needs that you aren't willing to fill yourself.

So... it sounds like your H truly does care about you. Let's let that lie for the time being. Any problems with your marriage sound like they have tentacles attaching them to your childhood wounds. Until you heal them, it's not going to plug the dam, so to speak.

You deserve a life of happiness and warmth. And your boys deserve having a mother who is fulfilled and emotionally healthy. Have you found an IC who really connects with you? By that, I mean one where you've given yourself permission to be 100% forthcoming with your wounds and trust them to help you move past them?

Hugs, friend. I'll wait for our friend, Bug, to come offer her support as well. Until then, can you think of one thing today that brings you joy and gratitude?

Betsey