It's 4:30 am and I've been on the SSM forum for two hours now. I couldn't sleep. I spent all day at work reading and posting. I bought SSM yesterday and have read it through. I will start re-reading it more carefully tomorrow. I am in a highly motivated state. I have just read Aquarian's amazing success story. I want my W to read the book preferably with me but I need to find the right time to introduce it. She dismisses this sort of thing as "Psychobabble" I get the message that what I have been doing for the last 22 years has not worked so I have to change. I take on board what Carlotta says is a perfect LD's marriage and I can now see areas I can improve (I couldn't earlier in the day). Such as: SEX - Stop worrying about it every second of the day. Shopping - Try to go on shopping trips and actually participate. Anger - Don't get cross with W and children. Housework - Think I'm OK as I do quite a lot. Hobbies - Take more interest in her stuff. Try to find an activity that is completely new to us (salsa for example). Conversation - Don't switch off after the first three words of her sentence. Soaps - Stop continually commenting on the weakness of the plot and pointing out what other programs actors have been in. HD/LD - Stop believing everything I think is right and everything she thinks is wrong.
I guess I need to list my goals. SEX - Why did I start with that one? Time span - I made a New Year's resolution to improve my marriage (Actually the resolution was to have sex every calendar month for the whole year but as two months have gone by and I have so far only managed half-a-sex I have changed it) Love - Improve myself enough that W tells me that she loves me without being asked. This would be a major landmark. I'm not kidding. I long to hear those words. Please God I need to hear those words. Those three words that I find so easy to say to her but can only remember hearing once before. ----- I am crying at this point -----
I can't think of any other goal, I have to stop typing now...
It is now 9:00 am. and I am feeling more positive again. I did not get any sleep at all last night but lay awake trying to think back to when things started to go wrong. I believe it started when my wife came off the pill. The reasons at the time were perfectly logical. We had been going out for about a year. Everything was going well but we had to spend a few weeks apart and also W found that she was feeling bloated and blamed the pill. I had no problem with her decision at the time. When we got back together things were much more difficult. Previously when we were in bed together we just seemed to do it as if it was the most natural thing. There was no conscious decision, it just happened. Condoms introduced a break in the flow that just didn’t fit in. Instead of just cuddling and finding ourselves making love we had to negotiate and make a decision to do it and of course one partner soon got into the habit of saying “No”. Today I have an appointment with the Doctor and I am going to arrange to have a vasectomy. I mentioned it to W last night and she was OK about it. I don’t think she could see the point as we are 46 and our chances of conceiving are low but when I asked her if she would be happy to ML unprotected she said “No Way!” I am happy that I am taking action at last instead of just thinking about it.
Just got back from the Doctor. Things have taken an unexpected direction. I told her (the Doctor) that I wanted a vasectomy because I had 3 children and the youngest is 11 and don't want any more. She said did I realize there is a 1/20 risk of severe pain and that it might be easier for W to have a coil fitted instead. I had to explain that W probably would not agree and told her my whole story. She told me that she would have to see W to discuss the vasectomy and that I must persuade W to make an appointment. She will also refer us for Psychosexual counselling. I said that I will go willingly but W might not. She said that she would talk it through with W when she visits. My job now is to get W to go to see the doctor. I feel I must do this at all cost. W might listen to a female doctor and it might just get the ball rolling. If she would agree to have a coil fitted then that would show real commitment but I can only dream about that for now.
I was never told about the so called pain. What is that, like and ongoing pain. The surgery was a little more painful then they claimed, but I have not had a problem since surgery. The wife certainly feels beeter that I am fixed, but she still managed to find another reason to be fridgid.
I just had the snip done last August and, although the next day or two I had some pain, it wasn't too bad. Like CeMar, it hasn't made a difference in the bedroom, but that wasn't the reason I did it. I did it because I didn't want to make a difference in the number of beds in the house.
Your story is so sad to me, Superdave. 20 years is a long time. I know about the allure of an HD woman. I dated one in between my ex and my current wife. 7 months of mind-blowing uninhibited sex. She totally spoiled me for anything else. She was a butt-grabbin', winking, do-it-anywhere/anytime girl, and I think about her all the time. I was laying in bed this morning, trying to cuddle with my W, and it was like cuddling with a statue. I've only been in this marriage for 4 years and I'm already crazy...couldn't imagine what 20 would feel like. I hope you can get her to go to the doctor, but mainly for the counseling. I recommend that you go ahead and do the vasectomy.
I had the big V 4 years ago and the surgery was a little uncomfortable, but not too painful. For some reason though, I developed an internal infection in my left testicle and it swelled up about 4x the normal size. I finally got some antibiotics, and it was back to normal in 2 days.
Funny thing though, just talking about the vasectomy reminded me of how my marriage and sex life was 4 years ago. I remember walking into my house literally 30 minutes after the surgery, and my wife taking me into the bedroom, dropping my pants and performing oral on me, "just to see if it still worked"... Her words exactly. Where did it all go wrong?
The doc told me that in some people the sperm that cannot escape buld up pressure and it is like having been kicked in the balls after ejaculating. Ouch. She said that one of her patients had it so bad that he begged her to cut off his testicles!!! I have done some research since and have found there is an "Open ended" vasectomy that leaves the tube from the testicles open and the sperm then just swim around the scrotum looking for an egg that ain't never gonna be there. That sounds OK to me. I will ask the doc about it next visit but your experience would suggest it doesn't make any difference anyway. I guess it is something to talk over with W though.
Hairdog, Believe me 4 years changes to 20 years in a blink of an eye. If I knew after 4 years what it would be like after 20 I would have got out before children arrived. In 1979 at age 20 I had the choice of two women. Both were blonde and sexy looking. One was crazy about me and would have done anything to keep me and the other needed to be chased and courted. Of course the chase is the best bit so I dumped HD blonde and chased LD blonde and I'm still chasing her today. BTW I've seen the statue all these beautiful but LD women are modelled on. It's in Rome and it's called "Angel With a Crown of Thorns".
Quote: I have just read Aquarian's amazing success story. I want my W to read the book preferably with me but I need to find the right time to introduce it.
Wow! Thank you Dave! Lina posted about her experience having a heart-to-heart and I really agree with everything she said. If you haven't read it yet, I recommend you do.
Quote: Love - Improve myself enough that W tells me that she loves me without being asked. This would be a major landmark. I'm not kidding. I long to hear those words. Please God I need to hear those words.
*Big hugs* for you. Improve yourself for you. Don't do it just for her sake! We tend to attract people more when we feel good about ourselves. Feel good about who you are. Love yourself and treat yourself well. Does she know how important those 3 words are to you? You may want to read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman next.
Quote: Everything was going well but we had to spend a few weeks apart. When we got back together things were much more difficult. Previously when we were in bed together we just seemed to do it as if it was the most natural thing.
What were the circumstances of this few weeks apart? Were there any hard feelings about having to be apart? Is there any chance that she may have felt threatened by this in any way?
Quote: I am going to arrange to have a vasectomy. I mentioned it to W last night. I don’t think she could see the point as we are 46 and our chances of conceiving are low but when I asked her if she would be happy to ML unprotected she said "No Way!" I am happy that I am taking action at last instead of just thinking about it.
Congratulations! Actually, someone correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think 46 decreases your chances of conceiving. The chances of the baby's health and a problem free birth are decreased, but she can still get pregnant if the timinig is right. Did you ask why having unprotected sex was such a no-no? Why did she have such a negative answer? Does she question your fidelity?
Quote: The doc told me that in some people the sperm that cannot escape buld up pressure and it is like having been kicked in the balls after ejaculating.
Hmmmmm, this contradicts what my H was told. He was told sperm that cannot escape is reabsorbed by the body. Made sense to me. My H had a No-Scalpel Vasectomy in October and it was virtually pain free, his words. Research that option as my H was very impressed. I thought I'd also mention that he insisted on getting a vasectomy. His reasoning was that I had the pregnancies and gave birth, so it was his turn! Oh and for the record, he has never felt like he was kicked in the balls after ejaculating.
Quote: My job now is to get W to go to see the doctor. I feel I must do this at all cost. W might listen to a female doctor and it might just get the ball rolling. If she would agree to have a coil fitted then that would show real commitment but I can only dream about that for now.
I agree, she needs to see the doctor, but be very careful! The more you insist the more resistant she may become. I suggest getting her in by fibbing a bit and saying the doctor wants to discuss the vasectomy details with her. Even if you end up going to another doctor for the vasectomy (which by the sounds of it, I hope you do!), at least this doctor knows of the situation and is willing to help with the psychobabble end!
Quote: I remember walking into my house literally 30 minutes after the surgery, and my wife taking me into the bedroom, dropping my pants and performing oral on me.
Father_of_Three, most women realize that a vasectomy is a huge deal. I believe that was her way of thanking you for taking the responsibility. Can you lovingly bring that up with her? Ask her what went wrong.
It is now 8:15 pm. I think I am becoming addicted to this site as I have been waiting for an opportunity to sneak away and quickly post an entry. When I got home from work W asked me pretty quickly how I got on at the doctor's. I wasn't sure how much to tell her but as usual I blurted out all the gory details. I new she'd object to the coil thing but her reasoning caught me by surprise. Her belief is that the coil is a cheap option and it saves the Health Service money (almost all health care is welfare here in England). She said there was no way she was going to suffer heavy periods for it and I can't blame her for that. You know how it is when you are trying to discuss something sensitive. Children drift in from everywhere and hang around just when you're getting to the important bit. I got a bit cross because youngest was moaning about not wanting to go to his martial arts class. Actually I lost it. I shouted something about not needing this agro just now and although I look happy on the outside I'm miserable inside. Why didn't I stop myself? Fortunately H didn't get uppity. I then told youngest that I would go to the class and tell the instructor that he was going to give up. Instant relief from child and it got me some time on my own in the car. The instructor was good about it and I returned home calm. During the day I had picked up some gossip about my sister-in-law to the effect that W had got one over on her (they are great friends when the claws are in). I shared the gos and W was pleased. Later I was sitting talking to youngest and W actually came and sat on my knee unprompted!!! I subtly maneuvered her arms around me (we HDs always want more don't we) and she stayed there for quite a while which was wonderful. My 16yr old has a new boyfriend who we all approve of. W is positively glowing about it. There is a lot of teasing and happy banter between mother and daughter. I am recording today as a success even though the W visit to the doctor is unlikely to happen.
*Big hugs* for you. Improve yourself for you. Don't do it just for her sake! We tend to attract people more when we feel good about ourselves. Feel good about who you are. Love yourself and treat yourself well. Does she know how important those 3 words are to you? You may want to read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman next.