Just a few thoughts from me....you made a few comments - should I do this or that, or just D. When you are so emotional isn't a good time for making big decisions, so put them on the back burner for now. You can decide on big stuff in due time & when you feel sure and ready.
I'm sorry for your childhood traumas. It sounds as though H has been important to you in that you have shared & trusted in him alone in certain things. I can see how that now makes the betrayal (in whatever form.....it sounds like an EA at least) more painful.
It sounds as though working on you will need to focus on some unresolved things from your childhood. And hopefully this will be a really positive thing for you.
I'm also picking up on some dependency - or at least perceived so - in the comments from H. And in your own comments of not wanting to do things alone. Is that still the case for you?
I suppose we are all hoping to get to the point where we can care for ourselves enough that we don't need someone else to do that. But we may want them as icing on the cake. What would it take for you to feel you had reached that point?
You said before that you don't want to be a victim. Did that also link back to childhood? What would not being a victim look like? What would you be saying? How would you feel? What steps might you take towards this?
Since my 'dip' at the weekend, my PMA has been super high. I've felt quite a sense of peace with the situation this week. I think I am feeling more acceptance of things as they are for now. Who knows what next year may hold - but I feel I'm getting to a good place within myself....regardless of what H might be doing. This great PMA might be fleeting....but it's nice to feel this way - even if just for a bit! ;-)
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
