Underdog, Thanks for all your kind words. You are right on the money.
I think at this point it's all together. My culture, my background, my life until I got here. You are the first person in my life that reads me so fast and so precisely.
My childhood was filled w/happiness and suffering, with joy and sadness. I grow up in a farm. We had it all, calls, pigs, chickens, horses. I even had my own horse. Life was simple and happy and yet I was spanked by my mom to a point a had no more pain and no more tears.
My mom is alive, I love her with all my heart because I understood why she took it all on me. I forgave her long time ago. I think I was born strong inside, I took decisions, I mature very fast. My father was an alcoholic at times, when he was in his sober times life was a blessing, and when he was in his alcoholic times life was hell.
I was also abused by my stepfather that came to live with us for awhile. I am luck it was not the worse abuse, he made me touch him a few times. I never open this to anyone in my family, the first person I told it was my husband.
Now I am starting to understand that I develop some kind of defense mechanism and no one in this world would pass my limits. No one. Including my own children.
I never gave myself 100%. I never trusted no one 100%. I was always waiting to be hurt, to be betrayed, to feel pain.
I never let anyone to tell me what to do, but with H it was different. He is sincere, kind, affectionate and time to time I let him take care after me. It felt good not to be so strong.
I could do anything with the assurance that he would be there, in the shadow, looking after me and approving what I was doing. Sometimes I even recognized what I was doing.
In our R, I was the one to take care after my family, the one taking decisions, the one moving everybody around. But I never want to be alone, even to go to the supermarket. I always want someone with me.
In the same time that I want someone to be there with me, I treated my H like crap. I criticized him many times, I ignored him and his needs many times. He likes to show affection, hugs, kisses, and I don't. I want and I don't do it. Every time we made love was fantastic, he would even say this to me, but many times I escaped from that because I did not want to be touched and of course, it became a problem in our M.
Being in USA did not make it easier. Besides the culture difference, my H travels a lot for work (outside the country, I raised my children basically by myself. When we moved to Colorado it was stressful with babies.
When the kids started getting older, money was necessary and I started cleaning house with a friend. The money was excellent but it destroyed my confidence. I know how hard this work is, I know it is a honest way of making money, but I develop a sense of inferiority and it became another problem for my R w/H.
Finally I stopped it and got an office job and I am doing pretty good. But then life turns around again and my S20 is diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, it was hell for about 4months then he started getting better. My S14 got whooping cough for 60 days straight and at this point I did let go.
I was so depressed that I feel I had some fog in my eyes. I died inside. I did not fight anymore, did not argue, did not even cry. Sometimes I even tough would be better to just free my H and let him find his life somewhere else.
A week before my H asked me for a D, I asked him, I said right on his face that he was unhappy with me, that I felt he did not love me anymore and I was unhappy with him.
Later, a week from my crazy blow out, he gave me the same speech. That I did not love him for a long time. The only difference he said that he met someone and that he would like to give himself a chance to be happy because we would never be happy together. He said it was killing him to make me unhappy and he could not take it no more.
Losing him woke me up. It was like I could see again. I got myself an IC, I decided to educate myself about R, M and issues related to it. I found out I have many gaps that are not related to H that I need to fill.
And that's why I say that it's bitter/sweet... this pain made me to wake up old wounds that I need to address or I will never be happy even with myself.
I don't know if H loves me yet or not, I feel he does. I feel he would like to be with me but he is afraid he will walk back into hell. He is gentle with me, I know he care deeply for me, but he says he does not love the same way anymore. The OW I don't know for sure, he told me that.
And I came to this board, the place that is teaching me so much how to be a better person for myself and for others. I never tough I would get help from strangers with no face, no real names. It's just amazing the power of giving that surround this forum. Thank you so much!!!
So now I know some of what's is wrong, I told my IC about some of this issues. But I don't know how to clean them up inside me. So, if you have any idea, I will sure try and start a new life. I know it will take time, but I want to became myself and I am up to the hard work.
