Inside my chrysalis 9

[uRworthy]

Hey SS. Just a couple of things.

I also know my H and he'll only give this separation a year. He would have filed in July and never looked back.
Based on history, if he doesn't feel like staying married to me by the end of June, he's gone.

I would say you really cant say that you would know what he would do because you never expected him to do this, right?

Granted, he hasn't filed anything official but I don't know that that means anything. I feel strung along.

I think you feel strung along because you are looking to him to determine your life. When in reality, you should just be living it as if he isnt coming back. Live it without regard to what he says or does.

He is granting me this separation. Why? Because I asked for it.

I think if he was really sure, it would not matter what you asked.

But if I talk to him about things (which I won't do anymore because I'll end up on the floor with the vacuum again) he wants a divorce, can't get past all the things I did to him during our marriage, only sees everything as my fault, is very angry, etc.

They all stick to the stories in their head. We have all heard variations of that speech.

I guess it's pretty clear he's out and done. So why not file? Even for a legal separation?

See above. Many of them say they are going to file and dont. Thats not to say he wont, because he might. But you have no idea what is going on in the craziness in his head.

Ugh, it's so complicated and I'm not very good at articulating it all.

I dont think its as complicated as you think. He is unhappy with himself and his life. He thinks that by eliminating you and the marriage, the things closest to him, his life will be fixed. But the truth is the only way it can be fixed is if he fixes himself.

Boundaries I can set. I don't tell him where his keys, etc are. What bothers me is his expectation that I SHOULD.

And that he doesn't see the absolute chaos surrounding me when he's asking.

It doesn't matter.

It does matter, S, because you matter. You have to change his expectation with your actions. You keep trying to keep peace. Thats not your job. He needs to understand, with your actions and attitude, that you are no longer responsible for anything to do with him. Your fear is keepng you stuck and afraid to do what you need to do.

I guess I should practice what I preach to Card and live like I'm already dead. That's a lot easier when I don't have to interact with him over 10,000 things related to D.

I hope you meant something else up there and not that you are dead. LOL! S, it is harder when you have a young child, but, possible to detach.

It really has to do with your attitude and how you feel about you. My xh was very controlling and would put me down.

He tried to do that when we were separated. It took some time, but, when I felt good about me, my attitude was different around him, ya know?

One day he came to drop something off for our son. He was about to make a derogatory comment. I held up my hand and said, "Those kinds of comments are no longer something I will allow." And then I walked away.

I wasnt nasty, but I showed strength. It took a few more times, but, trust me, he got it.