Lorelai, thank you. It's always good to know you're not alone, right? This stuff isn't easy, man.
Georgiabelle, thank you for posting... and saying the hard stuff.
I know I can't "fix" this. I know that. I have bought into that way of thinking because it's his perspective and I feel like he is very much in control of the outcome here. Frankly, I feel like he has already decided on what the outcome will be. It feels like emotional blackmail.
Like he's saying:
Be better, be amazing, don't get upset, don't ask questions, don't expect anything from me at all but put up with everything I dish out and be grateful.
^^^^^ That feels like our marriage. But I expressed resentment, anger, frustration and bitterness then... now I'm supposed to smile.
It's small but here's an example:
We decorated the tree on Sunday as a family. We got out all the boxes and went at it. It was fun. Then H left and every single box is still out and half empty, lids are somewhere, etc. This is how he lives. I finish every task.
Sure, I can put the boxes away. Of course I can. But I get wrapped up in the principle of the matter. He's like a child. He wants to put the ornaments on the tree and that's the extent of his responsibility. I always have taken care of the rest. I don't want to be his mommy but the alternative becomes nagging and we both hate that... but then I do become resentful that I'm the responsible one.
Well, the power went out last night at around 6:00 pm. I was right in the middle of cooking dinner. I wander around lighting candles so D can finish her homework and in the process trip over about 5 boxes in the living room. It makes me angry.
But this is how it has always been. Even while we're separated.
Now though, I can't exactly ask him to come back over and help me put this stuff away (which requires standing on top of a 6' ladder with 50 lb boxes). No. I'm supposed to be fun and smiley but I feel taken advantage of.
This means I need to put down a boundary, right? So what is that boundary? "Either you help clean up or we can't do fun things together"? Could it sound more like I'm hosting a play date for D with another 7 year old? That's how it feels sometimes.
And suddenly I'm his mother. HELP!
And, Georgiabelle, you're right, I watch his movements and words WAY too closely. I totally agree. I'm not sure how not to though.
I mentioned in passing that I needed to find a nail to put in the front door so I could hang the wreath. Two minutes later, H has the hammer out and is putting in a nail. THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED IN THE HISTORY OF H. N.E.V.E.R.
What's that about? Well it's very nice and i thanked him.
But he leaves out ALL of the holiday boxes for me (or the holiday put away fairy) to put away.
Pulling WAY back, to me, means less contact. I can do that. I really can. It's not easy given the testing we're about to take on with D and all of the meetings that go along with that, the holidays (we do both Hanukkah and Christmas so that's EIGHT times the get togethers), we have The Nutcracker (a tradition D wants to continue), her school performance, a New Years thing...
How do I back off with all that going on?
Labug, I have no idea how to set that boundary with D and H. I've tried. 10,000 times. I'm at a loss.
