Thanks, Ggrass. He's REALLY avoidant and stubborn. I described a little of this here. I think it will take a lot for him to overcome this and consider the alternative to D. Although I have to say that I'm the only person who used that word (back at BD, before finding DB) and he replied with "I didn't say that".
I got no spew at BD. What I got was "I don't know who I am", "I want more fun/spontaneity/passion," "wants to date others", "I don't know what the outcome will be". My take is that he's having a personal crisis, possibly with an OW thrown in (denied at BD, haven't snooped since), but with the limited interaction and few mutual friends I'm left only to my initial observations 6 months ago and a couple of interactions since. I do think he is getting less responsive to emails/texts. Which is why I am questioning whether being dark is not working or if it hasn't been long enough.
Last edited by ganb8te; 12/08/1411:45 AM.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
In my case, I'm pretty sure what's happening now to gg is how h treated his w1. I pretty much think she thought they were working on the m while separated and he picked up her friend. Then traded Friend for me.
I saw her buy expensive gifts of 1k, I saw her have dinner with us as a family I saw him let her live in his house while he took a trip. It's all craze now I look back. I think she tryed to db in a way. She never went dark she chased, threatened suicide, then dated a married bloke she often openly talked at the dinner table with us of meeting another man. Etc.
She hasn't really had a long term r, few flings and now a no hoper she lives with if h is to be believed, she wants out of the house.
Did any of that work for her? No not really, in fact most of the way she behaved blew up In her face. He never really thought of her as gone. He never thought or saw her change.
After 11 years the best he could come up with was, wow she grew up and matured slightly. After 5 years or so of nc. H still resents her dating tho. What's with that?
Last edited by Ggrass; 12/08/1412:47 PM.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
Ganb8te, it sounds like your H and mine have some similarities. Quiet types, introverted a little? Having a crisis maybe?
It seems the extroverted loud ones have crazy crises where they act out and get all emotional and dramatic and make your life a rollercoaster. The quiet ones don't say much just slink off...
I wish I knew what you should do. NC, check in with him, write a letter ... what about a talk with a DB coach?
Ganb8te, it sounds like your H and mine have some similarities. Quiet types, introverted a little? Having a crisis maybe?
Yep, quiet, pretty introverted, very private and beautifully sensitive. Probably with a bit of depression thrown in to the mix in the last 18 months (back injury -> kept him away from his usual activities outside work).
I had a laugh as I came back from yoga last night. I was envisioning sending a text o H saying "Meet me at [address] at 7pm sharp. Look smart." I wonder if it would make him curious enough to come out and play? It would certainly address the "wants more fun/spontaneity" comment. Or what about "If there's any part of you that wants to stay married, meet me at the midway point on the Bridge at 3pm Saturday." Then we'd hug and make up. Worked for Miranda and Steve…
(Don't worry folks. NOT GOING TO DO IT.)
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
I'm pushing the settlement. He refused to acknowledge ground for one.
He thinks he owns xyz and then I own abc, but he also gets a share of my efg which he considered owed him money. But his equal efg is his alone, in fact he's trying to portray he owned his efg before and won't even be consider it as joint assets.
He's fibbed on separations in the past, every fight was a separation every lone holiday a separation. So I will most likely just get stamped paperwork in the mail.
Who knows? Who knows.
He acts odd when we have had contact really odd. I suspect not detached and is using ow to keep me at bay, why I have no idea none. Most of my conclusions about him are mind reading.
Apart from one thing me and ss25 agree on. H lies, h has no memory and we suspect suffering from demture. Or some such other complaint. His time lines are totally screwed up in his head. Weeks equated to months, but ow been around and is legit for longer than our sep. the time line for her is they have been together ages.
In out case he only talks of the early years, the later years don't exist. Is all very odd.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
Just going back over our interaction timeline for my own sake (taking stock):
(2 June, H moves out) - 7 June, attended mutual friend's wedding, he drove me, there was a little bit of physical contact, he left wedding before I did - 28 June, attended mutual friend's farewell, he says "he doesn't want to be alone but that he doesn't want to be unhappy either." He seems stressed/angry. Thanked me for giving him space. (1.5 months pass, including my b'day, no contact) - 12 August, he initiated contact and invited me to dinner at local pub. He seemed emotional, said it makes him sad to see me, he brought up R and I reinforced my position that I still wanted M - 14 August, he followed up with text exchange about details for tax return; led to few emails and phone call. I learned he didn't file for legal separation - 29 August, I emailed requesting help with a credit card payment issue. He replied - 9 Sept, I emailed requesting his signature to terminate lease. Business like reply - *22 Sept, I sent text inviting H for drink. H replied - he's busy, didn't suggest alternative time - 25 Sept, knowing that I was moving soon, H sent text asking when he can pick up his remaining stuff - *26 Sept, I sent email thanking him for moving some money back into joint account to cover bill. No reply - 28 Sept, H picks up his remaining stuff from house (Iease was ending), there was a little bit of physical contact, he invites me to dinner at local pub afterward. He seems less emotional. He says "it's nice to see me", "it's not you, its the relationship" and "IF we were to get involved again the R would have to be very different. Right now I don't see how that can happen." Agrees to stay on same health insurance (3 October, I move into my own place) - *25 Oct, I ask him to meet up that afternoon as "I have some news" (job promotion). He agrees. He says "it's nice to see me," "sorry, doesn't have much to say." He seems a bit more distant(?) except for some gestures that suggested he still cares about me. No R talk, I end it first. I followed up with "it was nice to see you" text. No reply - *4 Nov, testing the waters, I sent friendly text "Just did X. Reminded me of you. How you doing?" No reply - *22 Nov, testing the waters, I sent friendly text letting him know about a billing error that probably didn't require any action from him. No reply
OK so looking at that I can see that there were times when I need not have initiated contact (*). And I've been upping my efforts at contact lately to no success. Well kids? You know what that means……
Let me know if anything else is standing out.
Last edited by ganb8te; 12/09/1409:52 PM.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Mine avoids me like the plague, he has had since oct ow. She was a, sep was jan. He acts very uncomfortable and refuses to answer calls text or anything. Till I took legal action. I don't contact I don't text.
He could just feel pressure in his own mind.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
I have my opinion, but more interested in what you think it means, and what you are going to do.
me: 45 W:45 M 20 years T 22 years S14, S13, S11, D9 BD 2/28/14 D papers served 3/3/14 I moved out 3/15/14 MC start 4/2/14 I moved in 6/2/14 D suit withdrawn 6/30/14
