Ok, so, I am just going to write and hope it makes some kind of sense.
First of all, um...no to the finding his stuff. Sorry, I dont care if he has an issue with being ignored or whatever. It aint your job. You are not his mother. He loses his stuff...not your problem..
I am thinking that your daughter knows what's up. I wouldnt worry too much right now about whether he is giving her false hope, but keep an eye on it.
SS, I hate to say this to you but you are still early into this. Its a process. It takes as long as it does for you to get to where you need to be.
You are still really in his head. Looking at the things he says and does and trying to figure out what they mean is making you crazy.
The trick is not to get ahead of yourself regarding all of this. No need to worry now whether or not you will get a restored marriage. What is supposed to happen will. I really believe that.
I also believe that you have to start living your life for you and your daughter. You have to stop worrying about what he thinks and stop apologizing to him.
Leave him to figure his stuff out. Control the controllables. Leave the rest go.
You will not always feel as you do now. You need to move towards peace...within yourself.
You get there by forgiving yourself for anything that you did or didnt do in the marriage.
You set boundaries and stick to them without worry about what he thinks. They are for you. You have a right to them.
He made choices. He has to live with the natural consequences of them.
As far as limbo goes...I know it [censored]. Remember to accept what is, with the understanding it wont always be like this.
Do not allow his actions and words to affect yours.
I know I'm early into this and while a part of me wants to stomp my foot and say, "I am not!!" I know this stuff takes a long time.
I also know my H and he'll only give this separation a year. He gave me a year to fix the marriage. When I didn't, he left. Now were separated. At my request only. He would have filed in July and never looked back. He says he's living in an apartment he hates and whatnot for my sake. I have a hard time believing that but I can only go off what he tells me, right?
Based on history, if he doesn't feel like staying married to me by the end of June, he's gone. Granted, he hasn't filed anything official but I don't know that that means anything. I feel strung along.
He is granting me this separation. Why? Because I asked for it.
But if I talk to him about things (which I won't do anymore because I'll end up on the floor with the vacuum again) he wants a divorce, can't get past all the things I did to him during our marriage, only sees everything as my fault, is very angry, etc.
He is in IC but claims to be getting nothing out of it.
He took himself off antidepressants because "they're not doing anything" back in May or June.
I guess it's pretty clear he's out and done. So why not file? Even for a legal separation?
There's so much more going on behind all this. He's unhappy with his career (which he has blamed on me).
He is unhappy with his weight (which he has blamed on me).
He's unhappy in our marriage (which, again, is also all me).
Ugh, it's so complicated and I'm not very good at articulating it all.
But you're right, he has made his choices. But he's not the only one living with the natural consequences of them.
Boundaries I can set. I don't tell him where his keys, etc are. What bothers me is his expectation that I SHOULD.
And that he doesn't see the absolute chaos surrounding me when he's asking.
It doesn't matter.
I just don't know where to go from here.
I guess I should practice what I preach to Card and live like I'm already dead. That's a lot easier when I don't have to interact with him over 10,000 things related to D.
Wow, I can totally relate to what you're saying. My H recently looked at pictures of himself from before S3 was born and said he's aged so much because of the way I behaved after we had our first baby. What? He also is unhappy with his career and has taken so much of his frustration with work out on me. And I have the SAME problem when I talk to my H about anything regarding our R, it's like he suddenly wants to run out and plan the divorce. I've learned to just not even approach the subject with him anymore and just keep our conversations light and casual, like I would a neighbor (though even the neighbor calls and checks on us more than H! LOL!). Every relationship talk I've had with H since BD and especially since he's left has left me broken, and yes, also at times on the floor. Hang in there. Trust me, I know what you must be feeling right now.
Me: 38 H: 43 Kids: 2,4 T10 M6 BD: 1/14 11/14: H moves out
You have received some fantabulous advice! Your D sounds like an amazing kid and I can relate to some of your frustrations. Hopefully, with testing you figure out some better ways to handle certain situations. I'll just toss some thoughts out there..,.
I hear a great deal of," h gave me a year to fix this." I'm going to say something not intended to be snark. Big news. You can't *fix* this. You can work on you and make SS all that and a bag of chips. You cannot fix the M. That alone puts you in a terrible predicament with that mode of thinking. I felt pressure just reading that and you are just being set up for failure and you my dear are anything but that . I'm not saying your h is pressuring you-in saying you've bought into that way of thinking. If this m doesn't work, you failed. Nooooooo! You are a survivor and a thriver!!! You have been through so much in your life and you are evolving each day. Trust me. I get that your h isn't here to save the M and that you are. As discussed before, sometimes one can DB until the cows come home ( why did those cows run away??did they leave for those elusive greener pastures too?) but there are things out of our control.
From my perspective, you seem so very engaged with h. Helping him find stuff. Trying to calm him down. Thinking that if things are *this way*, he will be happy. Pull back. You aren't his keeper. Be cordial and pleasant. Focus on you and your daughter. Your h is a big boy and your job is not be his mother. Isn't that sort of what one of his complaints was? You controlled everything???
You are doing great. You really are. For your benefit though, I suggest pulling back big time. You watch his movements and words waaaay too closely.
Everything will fall into place as it should. There is very little I'm positive of in life and that I am. Have a great day:-)
Last edited by Georgiabelle; 12/09/1401:01 PM.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Lorelai, thank you. It's always good to know you're not alone, right? This stuff isn't easy, man.
Georgiabelle, thank you for posting... and saying the hard stuff.
I know I can't "fix" this. I know that. I have bought into that way of thinking because it's his perspective and I feel like he is very much in control of the outcome here. Frankly, I feel like he has already decided on what the outcome will be. It feels like emotional blackmail.
Like he's saying:
Be better, be amazing, don't get upset, don't ask questions, don't expect anything from me at all but put up with everything I dish out and be grateful.
^^^^^ That feels like our marriage. But I expressed resentment, anger, frustration and bitterness then... now I'm supposed to smile.
It's small but here's an example:
We decorated the tree on Sunday as a family. We got out all the boxes and went at it. It was fun. Then H left and every single box is still out and half empty, lids are somewhere, etc. This is how he lives. I finish every task.
Sure, I can put the boxes away. Of course I can. But I get wrapped up in the principle of the matter. He's like a child. He wants to put the ornaments on the tree and that's the extent of his responsibility. I always have taken care of the rest. I don't want to be his mommy but the alternative becomes nagging and we both hate that... but then I do become resentful that I'm the responsible one.
Well, the power went out last night at around 6:00 pm. I was right in the middle of cooking dinner. I wander around lighting candles so D can finish her homework and in the process trip over about 5 boxes in the living room. It makes me angry.
But this is how it has always been. Even while we're separated.
Now though, I can't exactly ask him to come back over and help me put this stuff away (which requires standing on top of a 6' ladder with 50 lb boxes). No. I'm supposed to be fun and smiley but I feel taken advantage of.
This means I need to put down a boundary, right? So what is that boundary? "Either you help clean up or we can't do fun things together"? Could it sound more like I'm hosting a play date for D with another 7 year old? That's how it feels sometimes.
And suddenly I'm his mother. HELP!
And, Georgiabelle, you're right, I watch his movements and words WAY too closely. I totally agree. I'm not sure how not to though.
I mentioned in passing that I needed to find a nail to put in the front door so I could hang the wreath. Two minutes later, H has the hammer out and is putting in a nail. THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED IN THE HISTORY OF H. N.E.V.E.R.
What's that about? Well it's very nice and i thanked him.
But he leaves out ALL of the holiday boxes for me (or the holiday put away fairy) to put away.
Pulling WAY back, to me, means less contact. I can do that. I really can. It's not easy given the testing we're about to take on with D and all of the meetings that go along with that, the holidays (we do both Hanukkah and Christmas so that's EIGHT times the get togethers), we have The Nutcracker (a tradition D wants to continue), her school performance, a New Years thing...
How do I back off with all that going on?
Labug, I have no idea how to set that boundary with D and H. I've tried. 10,000 times. I'm at a loss.
Probably too late for that. But when it comes time to take the Christmas tree down (and all the other decorations) - be prepared to ask for the help that you need and want.
You know this stuff bugs you, so try and anticipate ahead of time (easier said then done, I know).
