It comes down to "you're already dead". I forget who said it first... Starsky, I think but it's based on one of the hard-core, die-hard soldiers in Band of Brothers when asked how he's not taken down by the horror of war and how he goes into each situation grounded, solid and without doubt... It's because he sees himself as already dead. If you're dead (divorced), you can't be killed. Live that way and everything falls into place.
So, how woukd you live if you were already divorced? Let's face it, that old marriage is G.O.N.E. OVER. There's no revving it at this point. You can only hope for a new marriage... With the same woman. But since you can't predict the future and you can only control you...
Then... You're already dead.
Be the man who lives after he has already decided he is dead. You can't be killed, Card.
Go into each day living as if you're already divorced. Face that reality.
I'll admit, because I'm so good at preparing for the worst, I sometimes will allow the feeling of him saying, after all this time, "i still want a divorce, it's what's best for me". I just sit and imagine the feelings of that rake over. It's alarming really. I start to sweat, hyperventilate, panic, cry, worry... But I'll admit, it's better now than when I imagined that reality 5 months ago.
We have the power to change our stages. We can do it together.
How about this:
STAGE 1: sad, scared, resentful
STAGE 2: slow build to PMA
STAGE 3: healthy PMA with a grounded understanding that you're already dead, your marriage is put away, like way up in the attic... Maybe even at an off-site storage facility.
STAGE 4: posting, journaling, reaching out, positive self talk, encouraging others (this helps me say things to lift others up that I actually need to hear myself, much like this very post!!!)
STAGE 5: daydream about YOU, your life with D, things you want to maintain about you (things you like and want to foster and cultivate)
STAGE 6: crash to stage 1.
The trick, I think, is to realize your natural trends and alter them with purpose and consciousness.
Nothing about this journey becomes routine, I'm finding. It takes being awake and conscious all the time, lest you trip onto a hole and can't get out... And often we put ourselves into that hole because of our thinking.
The mind is a powerful thing but I do know this: thoughts create but daydreaming is not thinking. Stay grounded on your path. Watch out for snakes, holes but don't forget to notice the flowers, too.
