New England Newcomer

[mahhhty]

Thanks to all the Vets, there has been a ton of older threads & success stories coming back into circulation. I am very thankful for all of this.

Consider yourself warned... I'm somewhat journaling today...

I have been spending a lot of time reading other's stories and reflecting on me to make sure I am working on the right areas and paying attention to the right things.

My son was born in 2012, and he came into the world with a bang. High Risk Pregnancy, Ambulance, NICU, Surgery, etc. With the two kids in the house, it was harder for me personally. I struggled with the two kids. I love babies and kids, but I'm not fully comfortable with babies and I think the two kids in the house was a huge adjustment for me, nor did I have any baby experience prior.

That mixed in with losing communication, being a homeowner, quality time and intimacy with the W and the increase of our careers, I believe I lost my identity and struggled with withdrawal and/or some depression. At times I felt like I lost my best friend (my wife) and was replaced by the kids. It wasn't like we worked on things together at that point (besides the kids). I was relying on her to tell me plans for the week. I even lost my sense of style and relied on her for advice. And when I did have a voice I am afraid it was more of a negative one.

There was an interesting moment in April 2013, almost a year after my son was born that I went on a whitewater kayaking trip down south with friends (this was something I used to do a lot, but haven't do to children). I wore a backwards hat and facetime'ed from TN. The first thing she said was "wow you look good," and the last thing she said was "you seem really happy."

If everything she is telling me is true (which it may or may not be, speaking basically to her telling me there is no OM), that was probably a turning point where she benchmarked me on how I looked and felt and perhaps is a point of comparison to the person she was seeing on a regular basis.

I'm going to do some hard thinking about my 180s and post them all next time.

Right now she has been on business travel for a week. So she hasn't been pushy about solving the child support issue or going to mediation appointments.