Angry WAH blames me for everything.......

[Calibri]

So, from my posts from Ss, TLE, and Pink I’ve got a couple of themes that are swirling around in my head – will probably be a multiple part series.

H leaning on me/needing to pick himself up:

I’m struggling with this (clearly). The past few weeks H has been clear that he “needs to go down this path on his own, wants to be left alone, etc” – which is why I was shocked to hear that he wanted me to keep checking in on him. And I’m still debating on if I will or not. I’m very careful not to suggest anything when I talk to him – aside from small issues with his meds. (I did tell him that the doctor’s office was open the day after thanksgiving and that there was an after hours nurse line that he could call – simply because he doesn’t know these things.) Like Ss pointed out – I don’t want to be accused of strong arming him into anything.

I’ve been reading a lot on the Karpman drama triangle which essentially says within relationships there’s a victim-rescuer-persecutor triangle. I’ve seen myself in both the persecutor and rescuer position. I’ve seen H in the persecutor, victim mode.

Key points of a persecutor:-blame, -critical, mobilized by anger, -rigid authoritative stance or “this is all your fault”

Key points of a victim: feels oppressed, helpless, hopeless, powerless, looks for someone who will perpetuate their negative feelings, blocks self from making decisions, solving problems, or “poor me”

Key points of a Rescuer:-Rescues when really doesn’t want to, Feels guilty if doesn’t rescue, keeps victim dependent, gives permission to fail or “let me help you.”

Oooooh boy are we on that triangle. Big time.

I do believe H is a chronic victim. I’ve noticed that over the years. It’s always been related back to crappy childhood, alcoholic mother, crappy work situation, nagging wife, etc. I feel that I stepped into the role as rescuer because I wanted to be the advocate for H that he didn’t have in his childhood. But it developed from a selfish point. I wanted to be the advocate for H that I didn’t have. I felt that I could prove to H that he didn’t have to pay the role of victim. That he didn’t have to accept his family and their co-dependent dysfunctional BS. That he would thank me for looking out for him. But instead, I got sucked into his/their cycle of dysfunction. And I got dropped on my ass in the process.

I don’t have a lot of sympathy for people who play the role of victims. I'm starting to think that makes me an [censored]. I’ve been through some horrific chit. And I’m not a victim, I made a choice to not be defined by the stuff that happened to me, but instead use it as a tool to navigate through life. But, I became a very hardened individual. I came across this quote today: “All the hardest, coldest people you meet were once as soft as water. And that’s the tragedy of living.” Iain Thomas.

Which will be touched upon on another post – but I’ve got to get over being a hard ass. Which brings me to Pink's point -- how to show vulnerability.

So, currently working to get out of the triangle. Will be a topic in IC. Also received co-dependency no more in the mail today. I have a feeling I’m going to learn I’m more co-dependent than I thought.

Hoooray for DB!