Busting a Move - LisaB Ch6

[LisaB]

Hi Ganb8te, I totally hear you. Saying "I won't be around if you have OW" is different than saying "OW is not acceptable". And I also read that conversation on Mozza's thread. Maybe I'm wrong but I just feel in my current situation I can't say anything about OWs except that I don't want to hear about it. He feels we are done, broken up and over. To him they are dates, girlfriends, whatever - not affairs. And no matter what logical reasons I have that it is cheating, he won't agree! I don't necessarily embrace the OW situation, but I do feel it is out of my hands to say anything about it. So for now I shut up. I think for sure if he tried to get romantic I could say no way while you have OWs. And I can take away my friendship to show him the effects of his choices.

This latest NC from me started when he was ill and called me for help. Then I discovered that the four OWs were also helping him. That made me crazy. So I guess my boundary could go something like this:

him: blah blah I miss you, why aren't we friends, etc
me: You made the choice to separate from (leave) me and date multiple women. I am not interested in being one of the many women in your life.
That's it, the end. What do you think? If you have any other ideas for what I could say I'd love to hear them!

The next step is when he contacts me again, if he ever does. That is when I will again have the same questions that you bring up, TLEE86. Right now I don't want to talk to him. I know he has multiple OWs and is still obsessed with OW1 and going to visit OW4 out of state next week. He needs to work through all this, and I don't want to be around being a buddy while he does. It's going to take some time.

My guess is that he is searching for that greener grass and will continue to do so for a while until he finds it or realizes it is not there! Either one could happen. So far he hasn't found it and the few things he has said make it seem that he is realizing he may not find better grass than mine, baby!

I also think he almost feels a compulsion to try what is out there. Like a kid in the candy store (or me in the shoe store), he finally has the freedom to test out this party lifestyle and the opportunity to sample a variety of women. For the first time in his life he has confidence and is popular with females. If he sees a pretty girl he can ask her out and she may sleep with him - wow!

After having his fun for a while he may realize that pretty girls and new girls are just like everyone else. They have problems, they have issues, they are irritating sometimes. Maybe the stress and drama isn't worth it. Maybe you just want to find someone who is kind, fun-loving, easy to get along with, likes the same things you do, is supportive.. oh wait...

To be honest, I may already be long gone by then. I am getting pretty tired of this nonsense.

Claire7 thanks so much for calling me a rockstar! YOU are the rockstar! And terrific tips for comebacks to "are you angry?" and "why are you so busy?" Great minds must think alike because those were exactly my comebacks!

Right now I am OK with NC, maybe when he gets back from his trip visiting OW4 he will contact me. But maybe not. Right now I think about him all the time but oddly I don't really miss him. I just feel hurt and angry and disappointed. Part of me wishes he would wake up and come back but part just wants to move on. In many ways I am happier without him.

Side note: I have been reading some of the success stories on here and thinking about a few friends of mine who have recently reunited after separations. Interesting that when it does work out and the couples do reunite they are so in love and happy and wanting to show it to the world just like a new love. What makes the WAS wake up and come back? It varies from hitting rock bottom to the LBS moving on. More than anything it just seems to take time.

Mozza thanks for checking in! Tough love seems the way to go for some of us. I always read your thread, very enlightening! Thanks for checking in with me too.

Hope everyone has a good week!
Hugs, Lisa