You are a good friend, and one that understands were I am right now. Today I feel miserable. I am trying my best to be the upbeat girl but it has been hard.
Sometimes I feel would be so much easier to just put the D papers myself and let go. But I have kids with this man and I won't stop contact anyway. Besides, I love him, love our R now, love the way he has been with me.
His mixed up feelings made a mess on my head this weekend. By one hand he says he will always love me but it is not the same way anymore, then he says that he loved me so long and so intense, that he feels very confused right now.
He says that he can't be there for me anymore, that he can't be responsible for me... and then he says he will always care and be there for me as much as possibly can.
He looks at me with intensity, he hugs me and cry on my shoulder saying he knows he needs to let go because he believes he need to Move On with his life.
He told me he never cheated on me, even when he went to see the OW, that he couldn't, he just couldn't get himself to do that.
He speaks with me and I feel he wants to blame me for all what he is going through.
I told him that he needs to do what he thinks is best for himself and if this means he will leave me then be it, that I can't change him. Told him it's all bitter/sweet because I feel the pain of loosing him but I am happy it happen to me since I am becoming a better person for myself.
I don't know what to do. Sometimes I feel he is also in some MLC. I hear his words and he is sometimes so sure of what he wants, but when I asked if he wants me to put the D papers and then he would be free of my burden on him, he said no, not yet.
So what the H.ll?
And my head is just spinning crazy today because I don't know if I just file for a legal separation to protect the kids and myself financially. Since he is so unbalanced, maybe he can go crazy and spend a lot of money, or sell the house, whatever. He promise me that he will not do anything without talking to me.
Toots, he is a good man. And I regret so many times I was a very annoying person, I wanted it my way. I want to make a point and try to change him. I did so many things wrong that brought us to this situation now. He also tells me that he has been thinking and that he could do many things different in our M/R - he tells me that he was not there for me many times and that made me very depressed and unhappy because I was dealing with so much at the time.
He told me that he was in agony seeing how unhappy I became this last year. An it is true, sometimes I tough that I could drive very fast and finish it all.
I will read DR again as you advise me, will sit down w/myself and review and rewrite my goals. Try to make some sense of why he is doing all this.
