After both separating (My divorce was finalized 4+ years ago, his is almost there...another story in there too, obviously!.. No drama from either side from x-spouses) from long-time spouses, we met on-line and have been dating 5 years, 4 of them from a distance (300 miles) because he had to move for his job. He also travels a lot, so is often in other cities. He comes here almost every weekend and when traveling, comes in and out of this city and not where he works from. We are in our mid-fifties and i want to rebuild this relationship....i think. I recently discovered he has been cheating for at least the time he has been moved away! He has dated many different women, always letting them think he was single and explained his time away on weekends (almost without fail, he was here for weekends and always for holidays) as visiting his kids and extended family. He would tell me he was going to Meet-ups, but not mention that he was meeting with someone particular at these functions and I always told him to have fun! Silly me! But I didn't think I had any reason to worry and I didn't expect him to just sit at home all the time. He has invested a LOT of sweat equity and money in helping me with my house.... We have attended events on both sides of our family as well as friends both here and where he is for work and we were planning on a future. Our kids come over - all college age or older- and since my daughters' father is not involved, he does a lot for them. So not only did we talk about our future, his actions all pointed to us having a future. When confronted about his cheating, he said he was wrong, wanted to keep our relationship and would stop. I am not sure he has and when I told him I was scared and needed reassurance, he agreed to send picts on phone of where he was at a given point (lol, I did this when D was a teenager and I was keeping her honest about where she was!) or for him to call at certain times, but then he didn't and became angry that I was doubting him.... He left last weekend after Thanksgiving mad.... That's another story, but I think maybe unconsciously?? he picked a fight to leave angry? He then emailed Monday saying he wasn't trying to punish me by not talking to me, but didn't want to say something stupid and that he needs some alone time to figure out if he is fit to be in any relationship.....which I am wondering, too. I waited until he emailed me and we have texted and emailed this week, but not spoken. He supposedly left alone to go to a cabin for the weekend to 'think,' he has not contacted me and I have not contacted him this weekend. We went to a counseling session the Wed. before Thanksgiving which he said freaked him out a bit?? but wouldn't expand on, but with him being gone much of the time will make joint counseling difficult, but he did say he would work it out. Right now, the schedule of our counselor and his schedule, means he will not be able to get back to a session until January. I picked up Divorce Remedy at the library yesterday.... Need help!
M 54 H 57 M 5 yrs ago My D24, D21 His S30, S27, D21
Thanks for the reply... I have been GAL... Going to the gym several times a week, went to lunch and movie with girl friends Saturday and to dinner with 3 married couples solo on Sunday... Just said H couldn't make it here this weekend. He called last night. We talked, but he didn't say anything about where the thinking led him. He originally said he was stopping at his sister's place, but that didn't work out with her... so am wondering if he was really alone. I didn't ask. Not sure how much to detach and what that would look like?? He will be here this weekend and then back the following weekend for 2 weeks for the holidays during which time we will be spending time with family and friends. He ordered a dog bed last night on Amazon... he had been seeing someone with a dog and he had it sent to his condo not to my (our) house. I hate this....
M 54 H 57 M 5 yrs ago My D24, D21 His S30, S27, D21
Yes, but how?? I made it clear that wasn't an option for me, but I can't, nor do I want to, police his every move. If I can't trust him, I am done. So I guess I am asking how do I trust him when obviously I shouldn't have been for most of our relationship. Mit just makes no sense to me that he has been (seemed??) so committed to this relationship ( I am the sig other to his work friends and family, I am on his life insurance, etc, etc.) but he has been carrying on behind my back and now that I know he is pulling away. He even said he might spend the holidays elsewhere blaming it on my daughter being home from college for the holiday...which she always is and it has never stopped him from being here before. I don't want to drag this out, nor do I want to push him away....
M 54 H 57 M 5 yrs ago My D24, D21 His S30, S27, D21
Cathy - I hate to disillusion you, but - - - RUN!!! RUN as fast as you CAN!!!!
I'm sorry that you spent the last five years on this guy, who clearly is pathological and should be attending some kind of 12 step program (SAA or SLAA).
This isn't a case of a long marriage with the late onset of MLC and affairs - in which case one might be justified in trying to salvage the marriage. This is a pathologically disturbed person whose behavior began very early in the relationship. Either he's a sex addict, or a narcissist, or has some other kind of serious pathology.
Do you know anything firsthand from his ex about why they split up (not what HE tells you, but what SHE says happened?). I'd be willing to bet he's done this before. Maybe he wasn't even really separated yet when he first contacted you.
I know it's upsetting to think about giving up a relationship that seemed to be good and that you have invested so much time in. But this is not a guy who is showing any evidence of doing what he SHOULD be doing to fix this (getting counseling to figure out why he does this, etc.)
Now - you said your divorce was 4 years ago and his is still ongoing - so you're not legally married, right? Is your home title in your name only? If so, consider the work and money he put into it as partial payment for the grief he's putting you through now, separate any joint accounts ASAP, check your credit report (to make sure he hasn't taken out cards in your name) and read the book The Sociopath Next Door.
It's not too late for you to find a real, honest relationship with a good man - but this guy is NOT the one.
Thanks for the feedback. I feel so stupid! This is what I too am leaning toward... I spoke with the counselor that we saw together before Thanksgiving, on my own today. It was supposed to be for her to get my background, but I was a mess and we talked about my present situation." Which [censored]! Counselor was great, supportive and very solution oriented. Gave me options for the time being. I want to call one of his sisters as i can't talk to my family yet, just to vent a bit as i don't want hi telling them I'm crazy. And to make sure he does the right thing when we break up..... And maybe he will get some help at some point. I also have email addresses of other women he has contacted relatively recently and I have thought about warning them..... Any feedback here He was separated when we met and his ex has been dating the same guy longer than we have been dating. Good for her! His ex and I have a mutual, casual on my part, friend. The friend said his ex doesn't hate him... So my guess is she didn't catch him?? Thankfully we have no money intermingled... We are not married and the house is mine. He just has a lot of stuff in my house.. I got rid of some of my furniture to make room for his. I can do without!
M 54 H 57 M 5 yrs ago My D24, D21 His S30, S27, D21
I am sorry for the situation you are in. The best advice I can give you is to speak with a Divorce Busting Coach today. Especially regarding your specific questions on how to navigate certain interactions. Divorce Busting coaches will give you the best guidance on how to save your marriage and get things moving in a more positive direction. Please call me to discuss our coaching program 303-444-7004.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
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