Today he told me that our D mentioned to her friend that "my daddy is bad. he's mean to me." D was with her nanny... the mother of the friend asked the nanny if it was true! H was upset. What could I say? I told him that she has said those things to me (about me, and also about him). I've told her that we can be upset with people, and being might make us feel mad, but that doesn't mean they are "bad"... and I also told him that I never know how/if to mention it... but she is affected by all this. I broached the idea of getting her counseling. He didn't outright reject it, but thought she was a bit young still.
I also have girls, who are now 20 and 17. They were 8 and 5 when their dad left, and my youngest is a special needs kiddo who was very medically challenged from the get go. My oldest was 3 and had a difficult time labeling emotions (many people do), so we put her into some counseling so that she learned new coping mechanisms and had a safe place to share her negative feelings without getting scolded from me or her dad. It laid the ground work for periodic "check ups" with this same child counselor, who she grew to really trust and respect. Dr. Lesley did all sorts of activities with her in the office under the guise of play that got her to open up.
To this day, whenever I know she needs to get something out, we pull out the coloring books or drive in the car somewhere. I think it really taught her that asking for help is a good thing. Your D is really young and this kind of black and white labeling is pretty normal. It's just that you are in an uncomfortable situation that seems to be amplifying the negative in a different way. Does this make sense?
I'm also a firm believer and follower of the 24 hour rule. I had to put it into place because I was one of those people who simply *had* to react immediately and I also *had* to have the last word. When I started doing this, all my relationships improved. Funny, that!
BTW, my girls and I made sure we did fun stuff every NYE. Sometimes we'd go to mass and then out to dinner and a movie. Or I'd buy tickets to the theatre. Or I'd let the oldest invite friends over and let them eat crap and drink soda and talk all night. Or we'd have a camp out in the family room. All of those things make me look back with bittersweet fondness. I'd choose that over rocking out somewhere else with a dude any day of the week. I really miss those times. So celebrate that while you've got her, sweetie. You never get these days back.
Maybe a craft and game night? Beads, jewelry making, paint by number, puzzles? I'd totally come over and do that with you. Build good memories.
Hang in there- Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Build good memories.
