Can someone, anyone, help me understand why it's ok to live without knowing? Why is that an ok expectation of me?
I'm resentful of this limbo.
I know the feeling of being in limbo means I'm not sufficiently detached but my 13 year anniversary was yesterday and it's the holiday season so detachment right now is simply too much to ask.
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We put up the tree today. Easy and actually fun. I tried to hide the ornaments commemorating our first year of marriage, the year we got engaged, etc but D found them and insisted we out them on the tree together. Then she grabbed my phone and told us to pose in front of the tree together...
She's a smart and sneaky cookie.
D drew a picture, yes another one.
This one had all three of us inside a heart, smiling, holding hands. Above the heart H and I were kissing, the she and H were kissing and then she and I were kissing all with big hearts all around us.
I asked her what made her feel so much happier compared to the picture she drew just a few days ago that depicted so much loss and pain.
She said, "Dad said that sometimes people who get divorced can get married again and that made me happy but I still feel like I'm being pulled like a tug of war rope."
He said, what? First of all, if he said that just to appease her heart and make her feel better I want to punch him because now she has serious hope. Secondly, WHA?
I hope to not get divorced and then reunite, I want to reunite BEFORE a divorce but I know there's little I can do about that. I'm just super concerned about what H said to D. As she was drawing the picture he said, "oh yeah, she said she wanted to redraw the picture... I didn't say a word."
I don't know what that means.
I'm not allowing myself to see anything in it for myself but if he is giving her false hope I might have to remove all of his toe nails slowly, one by one.
Where are you labug, uRworthy, Mighty, Maybell, Shining? I sure could use your strength and wisdom, guidance, and support.
I'm feeling so lost. I've learned not to hit H with a R talk but man, I feel like I'm in a spiral of unknown. I don't want the unknown to define me but I'm struggling without solid answers. I'm desperate to find pluses in my situation but I'll admit, seeing those pluses, no matter how small, set me up for false day dreaming and hope, which I really don't need.
The holidays are hard because I'm seeing H too much. I do so much better when I don't see him or have to coordinate with him. This shouldn't be this hard after 5 months.
On a separate note, man, H and ad together are pure chaos. They get into it and D pushes H's buttons, he reciprocates, they pick at each other, she tests him, he tries to dominate her... It's just their dynamic.
Well I can only handle so much of it. It's like listening to an old bickering couple, it just goes on and on and on and on...
When they get going and the dog is barking in my face and D asks me if she can stay up late and then H asks me if I know where his phone is and they continue at it and the dog jumps up and knocks over a plant and dirt and water is spilled all over the place but that doesn't slow anyone down, D wants to know why she can't stay up late and H wants to know where his keys are and they go at it some more... All in a 30 second period. I swear I feel like there must be cameras somewhere because it's insanity.
H gets annoyed because I'm not answering his 20 questions that I can barely hear over D and the dog and then D gets upset because she's not getting what she wants and the dog is pissed because she just wants someone to pet her for goodness sake.... And I'm in the middle completely overwhelmed by what feels like 10 people needing my attention at one time and pissed because they can't have it RIGHT NOW.
This is how it is all the time when the three of us are together. In the past I've asked H to be more aware of those times (and maybe locate his own phone and keys for god sake!!) because I just can't handle everyone coming at me at once all the time. I have a freaking threshold!! He doesn't see what I'm talking about.
::sigh:: it wears me out like nothing else.
I like MB's post about the top paragraphs. Every moment on this earth is uncertain.
About the last part, remove yourself from the situation. Boundaries.
Keep chugging along, little train that could.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
