Hmmm. That is such a good question. I've been thinking about it all day.
I have to be honest that in many many ways I have 'dropped the rope', at least on the outside: I don't wear my rings; I've taken ALL pics of him and his family out of all parts of my home except D's room; I've taken down my ketubah; i stopped following him on twitter; I've moved most of the things he's still storing here to an out of sight area; i rarely if ever contact him for anything except D related stuff (and even then, rarely); I don't (always) respond right away-- maybe 25% of the time I respond quickly; I do my best to keep up my PMA when I see him-- I say hello in a friendly way, even when he barely will look at me. I try not to act awkward or strange around him. I go days without crying or even thinking of him too much. I don't look through old photos, and very rarely do I even think back to happier times.
Labug, you are right that I don't want to be with him. My friends don't think too highly of him, and even some wives of H's friends imply that they think he's pretty difficult to be with (he's been called "grumpy", "crusty", "doesn't show much emotion" "isn't open with his feelings" etc. Even his own mother admitted he can be difficult!)
So, why do I hold on? I think I know that deep down he is not the right person for me. I just don't think he's capable of changing, or looking inward, or being the kind of person I want to be with. But I guess I've wanted to hold out a tiny bit of hope that he would be. I think that if I let myself let go completely, that will be it. If I start letting myself think of other men, or even meeting and dating other men, I will (god-willing) find someone who is more sensitive, generous, brave, strong, secure and compassionate.
Even 13 months later, after I've been so graceful and dignified and strong, he still showed contempt for me during the mediation-- smirking, letting out loud sighs. What a d-bag.
I should never have married him. I had doubts from the very beginning, but I didn't think I could do any better. I thought I was just so lucky that someone wanted to marry me. Is that the saddest thing you ever read?
My D is amazing, and yes, I would do it again to have her.
But it's time to move forward.
I don't care if he thinks the house is messy. If I want to keep it clean for me, or for my D or our guests, I will. But not to prove anything to him.
I don't care if he thinks I look good. If I want to put myself together for ME, I will, but not to prove anything to him or to try to win him back.
I will not use "what would H think?" as part of my decision-making process any longer. His judgement of me does not matter.
I'm proud of who I am, even if my house isn't spotless, even if I'm not an amazing cook, even if I'm 10 pounds overweight and even if I'm not the life of the party. I will have a happy, fulfilling, blessed life without him, without his friends, without his family. My happiness will come from within me and my outlook and strength will draw positivity to me.
thank you, labug and Maybell, and everyone else, for helping me get to this point. I am so grateful for the support I've received here.
