Some one please respond to my thread on newcomers need help fast. Sorry seatle for jumping on your thread. It looks like you are on the right track keep up the good work. Randy
You haven't posted in a while. I know you are lurking, which isn't a bad thing at all.
I know all too well that time away from the BB can be a good thing. You take all the time you need to regroup, get yourself clear and straight, if that is what you are doing. Come back strong. Lord knows, it has done wonders for me.
I know your doing well. Your DB efforts are victorious, so I have confidence that you are doing great. Come back and post when you are ready.
I'll be here ready to defend the title!!!!!
Triple J
Things were different then. All is different now. I tried to explain, somehow..........
Eddie Vedder (Pearl Jam)
RJ, Underdog, KAW, Renew, TripleJ, Wonder, Carrie, B
Thanks for checking in on me everyone! I really appreciate it! Nice to feel the support from all of you.
KAW - Thanks for visiting and the post. Your insights are very helpful and always welcome. Like you and Renew said, the slow process of building the consistent + interactions are happening, but it is like thawing a galcier, very slow. Ultimate objective is to have her want to come back for another + interaction, if I can make her feel good, she'll want more of me.
I now pay full attention to her and turn towards all of her communication bids (John Gottman) and make good eye contact. My eye contact could be more relaxed which is what I'm working on.
RJ - You always are so good at helping me break it down into little steps that I can focus on. I am compiling a list of these things with your assistance.
Fri - Called WAW and said I was calling to see if you are having a better day than Wed since you sounded kinda down. She made a mistake on client and she was stressed out about that. She really gets down on herself for making mistakes. I listened and empathized with mmmmhmmms and I'm sorry to hear that. She seemed to talk more after that, that does work.
She said she is tired from a fundraising event held at Salon that her employee/GF (best friend) initiated. She was up until 1:30a cleaning up after GF bailed out early bec she was drunk. WAW was upset bec GF has also slacked on work duties and is bad for morale. WAW wants to fire her and said she doesn't want to hire friends anymore. Total contradiction from before when she plans to hire all friends and OM. She might be beginning to feel if people in this new life aren't all that great.
She said FIL and MIL are really upset at her for doing somthing that they found really disappointing. They won't talk to her right now. This is their pattern for showing their displeasure. She said she feels really bad about it. I again listened and empathized. I did say that family will stick with you all the time, they love you uncondtionally, no matter what you do (also referring to me). She replied with yeah thats the good thing about family. AM I MISSING SOMTHING HERE? OR IS SHE BLIND?
She said the dog was sick and needed to go to the vet. I immediately said I would come and take her right now, how bad was it? She resisted at first but I said I just want the dog to be healthy, I care for her very much. So she agreed I would pick her up on Sat. We then arranged for me to have dog until Mon. night bec she is doing more remodelling at Salon. We got off the phone and I called vet and called her right back. Quick action shows her concern and is a 180 for me. We shared a couple of inside jokes and stuff only we connect with. Said bye bye in our voice.
hey Seattle! This sounds like you're doing all the right stuff.
Quote: I now pay full attention to her and turn towards all of her communication bids (John Gottman) and make good eye contact. My eye contact could be more relaxed which is what I'm working on.
Perfect.
Quote: Quick action shows her concern and is a 180 for me. We shared a couple of inside jokes and stuff only we connect with. Said bye bye in our voice.
Great 180! Also v. good on the inside jokes. You're connecting, connecting, connecting.
Get your waterproof boots on... cause that glacier's going to start melting, my friend.
Sat - I pick up dog Sat morning, chit chat with GF at front, and seek WAW working in back. I have PMA but she seems stressed so I mirror her mood. She makes a couple of comments about how she is having a crappy time, has alergies, monotany of Salon bus (novelty wearing off now?) and generally sounds unhappy. She is going to work late on remodelling (she doesn't need to remodel anymore to get by so why keep sinking money into this hole?).
I offer to lend her tools and also help. She initially says she doesn't need any tools, makes it sound like she has all these friends coming to help and bring tools. (Note she calls Sun asking to borrow tools).
She gives me dog's stuff, makes comment "if you haven't bought food already" hey at least it is about the future. On the way out I casually mention I'm getting a juice and muffin, does she need anything? She says "I don't NEED anything, but if you wouldn't mind getting me a coffee I would appreciate it" I happily say sure. I know this is small but she is letting me do stuff for her, dog to vet, coffee, bring tools, she still won't let me help with work at Salon. I say if you want an update on dog, call me.
She calls later and asks about dog. Very nice conversation, not rushed. She said she had nightmares last time dog spent night with me, traumatic for her. I said awww, I'm sorry. ANY THOUGHT HERE ANYONE?
We talk about her day and she tells me details of what she is doing and up to. She mentions a wedding party they have in and we laugh about them cackling in the background. I ask if she talked to the lady she made a mistake on yesterday and she said not yet. She said "If you have to make a mistake, might as well make it a big one" I didn't say anything after that comment.
I ask if she heard back from her parents. She said not yet, they are mad at her. I said hmmmm, they do this often when they are mad at you, huh? She said yeah "I'm really trying to figure out my life right now" referring to her decision that upset her parents. IS THIS BAIT I'M SUPPOSED TO BITE AT?
I bite a little and ask if she told them about this unconsciously so she could get their attention and support in making this decision? This was probably too heavy of a question for her because she said she didn't know. She has been breathing heavily into the phone, I think she might be nervous?
She says she best be going. I tease back with ok, best you, talk to you later. Bye in our voice.
Sun - She calls early in the morning and asks to borrow tools. I say sure when do you need them by? We speak for a short while, she says she is tired from a salon friends birthday party.
I think she might have gone back into more of an alien mode after time with her new life friends at the birthday party. I asked if she had fun and she didn't sound like it was that great. I wonder if the no drinking is finally making her realize her fun with them comes out of a bottle.
I get to Salon with tools, PMA up, and she is friendly but not as much over past couple of days. She thanks me for the tools but says she doesn't want me to stay and help. But she wants me to keep dog for another day, that would help her. I happily agree yes. I try to help a little, but she asks me what are you doing? So I took my cue and gently left. Made good eye contact and left.
I'm thinking she may feel safer talking in depth on the phone, she gets real touchy when I try and help with remodelling the salon.
On my drive home, I see WAW car and a guy driving it. This has been bugging me since when I go to Salon, her car is never there. It is not the OM driving it. My trigger had been pulled and my PMA drops big time. I'm again feeling like crap, especially since it is a different guy now. It just feels like I went through all this for nothing and I'm back where I started. Trying to regroup today.
((((((((((seattle))))))))))) So sorry to hear you had a bad day. Guess I was posting when you were posting. They are not all good days. They don't call it a rollercoaster for nothing. Your W sounds confused. She is telling you she's trying to figure out her life. At least she understands she needs to do that. But as much as you (as we all) want that to happen right no, you can't make it happen on your schedule. None of us can... we have to let go of trying to think we can.
Quote: ------------------------------------------------------------------------ My trigger had been pulled and my PMA drops big time. I'm again feeling like crap, especially since it is a different guy now. It just feels like I went through all this for nothing and I'm back where I started. ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Could be a friend. Could be several explanations. Just don't make assumptions because that plummets your PMA and maybe for no good reason (and certainly not to any good end). You don't *know* what's going on here. wonder
