still holding on - 5

[u-turn]

It seems like the very minute I pull way back, she moves in my direction.

I say - Hi, goodbye-have a good day, how was your day?, and talk about the kids. That's about it - it's not what I want, but I think I need to stay back. I'm friendly but quiet - but not quiet with kids - I want to be noticeably fun with them - I usually try to be.

She is so up and down with her moods. Yesterday morning, I swore she was going to kill me. Verbally hostile. I told her to stop being disrespectful and walked away. We ended up spending most of the day together watching the kids swim meets - I talked to her very little. She knows I am not interacting with her much.

Ironically, she does not seem to trust me, I see evidence that she still checks my phone and computer. If I were an expert mind reader, I think she suspects that I am planning our D. She seems to be stressing about how I am spending my time and what I am doing with money, but she just won't ask me - I'd tell her as I have nothing to hide.

then

Today she made me breakfast (unusual) and asked me if I wanted a haircut(unusual), asked about Christmas decorations, and future plans (vacation) and some house things. I just don't get it. I am trying to stay level and low through all of this, but as I do that she pursues more.

She's playing me - I know. I wish I didn't think she was doing this on purpose.

I am focusing on not initiating any type of conversation that would be considered about R, moods, fights, trust, future. Just ignore it all.

I am basically ignoring her talks about future things and the house - though I want to push it back at her and ask if we should care about any of that.

I am feeling a little more focused and upbeat today.