Jim0987 #6 - starting a bit of a rebuild

[jim0987]

Everyone is now tucked up in bed (W included - she went to bed about 1900, with her phone of course). Ive finished all my chores (ironing etc.) and got bored of the telly as i just dont enjoy it as much when im on my own.

I've been mulling over the weekend and trying to figure out what I should potentially be doing differently, what works and what doesnt.

As the weekend moved on my W got more and more negative and tense. I think this is one of the reasons the rules say to leave first, but to do so misses time with my kids. I guess i need to think long game - missing some days now means i hopefully miss less in the future by saving my M. So go out when its not my turn with the kids and miss that window

I definitely need to STFU better than i do. not so much about the relationship but about stuff in general. I talk quite a bit and find silence uncomfortable. if its quiet i will find a distraction which includes checking here. Anyway i keep saying stuff about my future or things i like, all positive but on a couple of things my W said how she also likes it and then i must have made mention of it another 5 or 6 times over the following 36hrs. Its not deliberate it just ends up present in my thoughts.

equally asking if she is ok when she is clearly hacked off just seems to annoy her so stop asking. I know that she felt in the R I didnt care about her wellbeing and somehow this should be 180'd but right now she doesnt want me to ask.

being helpful sometimes seems to be well recieved but at other times seems to irritate. not sure i;ve worked out the whys and wherefores but i'm planning on sticking with being helpful as being more considerate is something for me to do in general. Helpful and domesticated is not doormat in my book though i'm sure some might disagree

I'm not happy with the christmas tree - W was getting fed up and so we didnt do it how i like it in order to speed things up. I put into the category of trying not to care if it doesnt really matter (which it doesnt) but it felt like appeasement by me. I just need to let this sort of stuff go. The whole thing was slightly upsetting for me as we have always bought baubles for the christmas tree to symbolise our lives together and so having all these out when our M is over was false and painful

Overall im being nice and relatively friendly, W occassionally reciprocates but for the most part seems to resent being around me. I cant really take a harder line without calling her out on OM2 and besides she is moving out soon (and financially crippling us both in the process). not sure on this one at all.

I think im doing much better at not reacting defensively - the interaction itself is not great and she will certainly be able to twist it to whatever she wants BUT the sarcastic, hurtful remarks arent there (I still dont believe they were that bad) and if i acknowledge and validate her complaints then this is better.

Cant do anything on connecting emotionally at the moment as she doesnt want to engage in this way and to push it is to pursue. the exception is to talk about the kids as a proud father - which i am and this is something ive always done and always will do.

I'm vocalising my thanks a lot more for small things around the house and being clearer in reflecting positively on the good things my W does for the kids. I was always poor at this. difficult to know if it works or helps or just comes accross as false pursuing but expressing my positive thoughts is something i want to do more of regardless. just need to balance with not seem nauseous, fake or weak

more and more i'm just trying to be the better version of me that i've identified i want to be and not adjust what i do to fit with her and her reactions. and the more specific im getting about the what and how of what i want to change about me the more confident i feel i can really make it stick. I also know i want this for my kids - they deserve the best male role model i can possibly give them. I have parented my kids from the stance of not being my dad I would much rather they took the view that being just like their dad is exactly the right thing to do.

despite all of that (and loads more) this feels incredibly lonely and i still torment myself with the whys and what ifs of my past behaviour. I'm still also clinging on to the hope that she will change her mind before she moves out as that move has such a sense of permenancy to it.

tomorrow I have a GP appt to start looking into the Aspergers possibility more seriously, and then I have an IC session where i'm planning on trying to talk about some of the emotional techniques i want to learn and exploring why I have such a strong dislike of feeling on my own (the driver for not liking it to be quiet). followed up with my actual job, haircut and kickboxing. If nothing else i feel like the working on me is progressing.

now just to work out where i can fit in some dance lessons