New, looking for help. WAW won't communicate.

[okjpc]

Or am I totally full of BS?!? Man, it's hour by hour still for me. I woke up crushed and lonely. Went to church with kids and my mind kept hatching new plans to win her back. Then I felt at peace with her gone. Then I obsessed for an hour about thoughts of her with someone new. I'm shaking my head at myself now! Kind of pathetic and kind of funny at the same time.

[MCS]

Okjpc,

Yeah the detachment comes and goes at first. I had the same thing, I got so angry that I had to detach or I was going to go insane. Anyway, it lasted a couple weeks, then I started to obsess about how to get her back again. It will be like this for a while, I suppose.

You know my story, so I'm in the same sitch as you with pretty much NC. It is so tough with all of this going on inside you and not being able to let it out or even see how she is reacting to your changes. Do you have a close confidant that isn't involved in the sitch that you can talk to? Maybe someone at work that doesn't know W? It helps me a lot just to talk things through and vent. Careful not to let things out to people that know both of you, that's asking for trouble, unless you know that they are going to be trustworthy. I messed that up a few times.

[okjpc]

MCS,
Amen. It's really mind twisting. I've gone back and started reading your sitch from the beginning and the conversations you've had with other people on the forum. I've seen you grow through your postings and I know that some day I'll look back on my own postings and notice big changes. Being open and honest with my feelings is still not something that comes naturally to me. B/c I'm a man? Not sure, but honesty inspires honesty.

This sitch has gotten me to open up to a couple of people outside the sitch and having that open communication with them has been a lifesaver. I did reach to one friend of my W. She made it clear that she had no answers for me, so I stopped pushing. But every few days my mind comes up with some brilliant idea for reaching out to my WAW's parents, co-workers, etc. Luckily, I haven't followed through on those ideas.

I'm sure a lot of people here feel this way - I wish I had found DB months before my W walked out and went NC, but I'm glad I found it when I did. I am pretty sure that if I hadn't I would have made my sitch much more difficult and painful.

Last thing, but i appreciate you posting about the cycles of getting angry then obsessing about getting her back. That cycle for me lasts about 4 hours (on a good day). I'm glad to hear that you're at 2 weeks between turns. Gives me hope!

Thanks again, man.

[MCS]

When I say two weeks, its my average feeling. My mood can go up and down multiple times during the day. I think its all normal and if you think about this as going through grief, the emotional highs and lows make sense.

Thanks for the kind words about me growing through this. I remember reading other people's sitch's and thinking there's no way that I would ever be able to gain enough courage to do stuff like they do. Well, it's a step at a time. Its uncanny how similar the phases of the WAW's are in these situations. Reading other posts helps me prepare for what's next

My big turning point was when I found out about OM. It connected all of the dots in my head and helped me get out of the self-deprecating thoughts that I had caused all of this.

Your W will have to reach out and interact with you. Use this time to prepare yourself. As you probably read, we had kids in the middle and it still took my W up until last week (4 months) to have a normal conversation.

[okjpc]

I just had my third DB coaching session with Chuck. Since I can't afford my house w/o the W, it's in a short sale process with the bank. That means I'm not paying the mortgage any more until the house sells, or is foreclosed on. I mention this just to say I decided to use some the extra money for DB coaching instead of lavish xmas gifts, a GAL trip, or saving it. And i was really looking forward all week to the coaching session.

Today is my SD's 16th birthday - my D, S and I sent a card last week with a gift card inside. Chuck approved of the gesture. Haven't heard anything from the WAW about it. Other than this move, have been completely dark for a little over 2 weeks. It may not sound like much, but it has been very difficult for me to do. (I think it has been the right move, however.)

He told me today that going completely dark may not be the best 180 in my R b/c her expectation of me could very well be that i'm p'ed off and alone. Wedding anniversary is the week after next and Xmas week after that. He suggested i send my W a lighthearted anniversary card on Monday, not mentioning the R, saying ILY, etc. Then send an Xmas card the Monday after that and include some movie passes so my W can take her kids to a movie. But otherwise keep going dark and see if she makes contact.

That sounds like a good plan to me and it's comforting to have a couple of action items coming up during a tough month. I've been craving some kind of action since my WAW had been NC for two months. I haven't had any feedback mechanism for how my actions have been received. But, most importantly probably, I think the NC has really pushed me into positive GAL activities. And it's finally starting to penetrate that my GAL has to not be at all tainted with the desire to win back my WAW. I ended up taking the day off work, took a long walk at a local park (it's a beautiful 65 degree day here today) and am feeling more peaceful now.

Again, I appreciate everyone posting on this forum. I've read a lot of posts and I'm starting to get with the program. Over the past three days, I have had 3-4 solid feelings of detachment from the sitch and the W. And it is starting to feel like the GAL work I've been doing is helping with my PMA and starting to be for me more than a tactic to get my W to take notice.

[okjpc]

I'm even starting to get the DB abbreviations and lingo down

[okjpc]

Got a call today for a job interview out of state. Trying not to think about it or project into the future (will my WAW talk with me before I take the job - if i get the job, I'm one of two people being interviewed, so 50/50 shot i guess; should i go ahead and file for divorce by a certain date; would a new start be a good idea or a really bad one right now, etc).

It's been really hard for me for over a week now to stay focused on the task at hand. Despite working on PMA and good GAL stuff, my mind is on some level consumed at all times by thoughts of my WAW and sitch. I've even been dreaming of her the past few nights. It's really exhausting...

[okjpc]

By the way, would anyone be willing to share specific things you are doing to maintain PMA? Messages/prayers you are repeating to yourselves? Books you're reading? Music that's helping? etc.

My IC suggested I say to myself, "I deeply want W to have the deepest desires of her heart, even if she doesn't want to be with me." This does help me find some semblance of detachment sometimes, so it's working. And I don't want to jumble up my head with more thinking, but I would love to hear what others are doing...

[MCS]

The PMA is hard. It comes and goes, I was doing good earlier today but not so much tonight. So maybe this is a pick-me-up post.....thanks okpjc

First, I always think about if 6 months ago someone would ask me how I would react and manage if my W left unexpectedly, I try to make sure the things I'm doing fall in line with my expectations of myself.

-Don't give up
-Try to understand
-Protect my family
-Re-prioritize
-Etc.

Here's some other things that I have done.

I've reconnected with my faith through this, so most of my PMA comes from that as you'll see below.

I do feel closer to Him and part of my PMA is he's got our back. We are trying to do the stuff that is as hard as anything, but I would go on a limb and say it is what we should be doing and what He wants. To try and honor our commitments to each other and Him. This is the 'worse' in the 'for better or worse.' In saying that, regardless of the outcome there's a plan for us, we just can't see the ending right now, but we will be happy wherever He takes us. I tell my D4 and S5 this just about everynight.

In keeping with that, as its where I've gotten most of my strength, contemporary church songs have new-found meaning. I catch myself tearing up for at least one song every week. You probably will cry your eyes out for a couple of these at first, but they've become comforting to me because if there's a song about it, someone else has gone through it. Here goes....hopefully you have Spotify.

Music
Casting Crowns (the whole Thrive album, but)
Broken Together
House of their Dreams

John Waller
While I'm Waiting

Downhere
Here I am

Third Day
I need a Miracle

Websites
This one of course

This article (its for A, but probably still applies)No Peace for Prodigals

Movies
The movie 'Fireproof' its on Netflix, although I was jealous when I watched it that in the movie they both were at home.

Scripture
The entire book of James (we had a sermon series on it, yeah those hit home)

The 40 day challenge (again good scripture, but tough to do NC) has some good ones in there.

Prayer:
As far as prayers, the website above has some good ones.

I usually just ask that He guides my hand and actions in the direction that He needs and not what I think I need to do at the time

I also ask that he is with my W as she works through her issues and allows her to lean on Him for guidance

Hope it helps. If you find anything feel free to let me know. I'm always looking.

[okjpc]

Thank you, MCS.

There is some helpful stuff. My S has made me much more serious about my spiritual life and I've started being much more active in my church. The 40-day challenge looks interesting - I would be completely willing to give it a try. Have you been able to talk about it with your W?

My pastor has offered to help in any way, but I'm not sure yet what that would be. Like you, I'm praying to hear God's will for me and the power to carry it out.

I know for myself I want to "do" something about the situation! I'm working to channel that need into prayer and reading and talking with people and other GAL stuff.