What to do with a WAS who says, "I want to move the ball forward" but then doesn't seem to follow through?
I decided to take your advice. On Wed, I texted him and asked if he would like to do something fun after D7 went to bed. He asked for a raincheck for Thurs because he was tired. I said, "Sure!" and suggested that we play a game together. He wrote back and said that sounded like fun.
On Thurs he came over. He thought I was joking about the game and that I meant I wanted to have sex. We played a game anyway and then had sex (because hey, I'm not going to turn that down!). Afterward, I told him that I had something positive that I wanted to share with him because I didn't get a chance to say it during the MC session on Tuesday -- namely, that in addition to appreciating the change in how he was interacting with me, I was also appreciating the change in how frequently he was initiating those interactions. He thanked me for telling him but didn't gush. He left shortly afterward.
The next day I went down the dangerous path known as mindreading and started to worry that his lack of enthusiasm meant that he wasn't planning to maintain our current level of contact (or worse -- that I was being placated again while he planned his next move). I turned it over in my head all day and decided to see if he called me on his way home from work. The wrinkle was that I was going to have to call him anyway to talk about $ (our usual conversation on the 5th of the month). But, I thought I would see if he called first.
The good news is that he did call because he anticipated the money issue. Last month, I asked for less than usual (even less than our agreed range) because I was having a good month. This month, I asked for the full amount of our range. I asked H if he saw this as a setback and he said no, he was "trying to compartmentalize" this from our other issues.
Then, I asked if he wanted to do something the next day (Sat) while D7 was at an activity. He said he already had plans, but we could do something soon. I said that sounded good and that I wanted him to know how great it had been to see him so much during the past two weeks. I really thought that I was doing a 180 -- trying to praise rather than criticize -- but H didn't take it that way at all and instead proceeded to tell me that I had no business asking for anything from him when he called to offer me money.
We ended up on the phone for 2 hours. Abt 45 minutes in, it seemed like we'd reached a resolution point where we both felt like we'd been heard and I was getting ready to end the call when H said, "Just so you know, I'm at the bank depositing your check and I am VERY ANGRY about it." And then I got hit with so much spew -- I've not heard H get that angry in a long time. The good news is that I kept my cool and he did NOT hang up or try to withdraw from the conversation (although at one point I told him that it was not okay to speak to me that way and that I was going to put the phone down until he stopped).
To his credit, he apologized and then we talked for another hour or so and were able to have a somewhat productive conversation. At the end he said he loved me and that he wants to move the ball forward "off of square one." (Square one is our metaphor for the bad habits that we both fall into when we're trying to work on the R.) So I asked him what he needed and he said the weekend. I said that was fine but ... if the goal is to off square one, why is he asking to do the very thing that defines square one for him (withdraw from me)?
