I would say drop the rope. Doesn't mean you can't pick it back up but you don't want to be with him right now, he doesn't want to be with you. Allow that. It's OK.
Resisting the reality of your situation keeps you stuck.
Why do you think you're holding on so tightly?
I'm going to point this out, not as a 2x4 but as something to think about. Several times you've sent emails or had emotional discussions with H and then come here and "apologize" for the action. I know with discussions it's sometimes difficult but with emails, even texts, you can apply the 72 hr rule and come here for input if needed.
See your emotions for what they are and be aware that you're reacting to the emotion. When you feel emotion rise, it's your cue to slow down and let it pass, then respond, if needed.
Been there, got the T-shirt. It wasn't worth the price of admission. I would send out emails filled with subtext of pleading, blame and guilt. Ugly. I had never learned to communicate honestly, authentically, with anyone, it was all done under the surface by intonation, body language, code, phrasing.
I had learned as a child to fear anything uncertain. I had to control to say safe. When I wasn't in control, I was an anxious mess trying frantically through word and deed to get back in control. Sometimes I hurt people in the same way a scared animal backed into a corner can inflict damage.
Learning to accept the uncertainty of life has been such a gift. And guess what, it's really not scary at all.
Slow down, sweetie. Take the time you need. Figure you out.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
