I don't know what possessed me to talk about that. Someone here at some point when I was talking about bank accounts (all our finances are still joint, but I don't have access to all his spending info) put the idea into my head that I had to set a boundary that he couldn't spend communal property on OW.
I really went off the deep end in that meeting, and as Maybell pointed out, looked so f'ing weak and desperate.
I am not pining for him. I am not jealous of OW. (at least I don't want to be). But I don't want him spending my settlement money on others.
Anyway, as if my behavior at the meeting, and afterwards wasn't bad enough, I also sent this email to him when I got home. Like I said, I snapped a bit:
I acknowledge and respect that you feel how you feel. I know what you feel (or don't feel, as the case may be) is real. In fact, my feelings are probably even quite similar to yours now. The marriage we had is dead and gone, and I would not want that marriage back. I may have sadness, but not fear and not really anger, except as it relates to how your choice affects our D.
What I don't agree with is your belief that feelings can't change, or that hopelessness about a relationship can't change.
We feel how we feel; maybe we can't control that. But we can control our thoughts and actions...and changes in thoughts and actions are what lead to changes in feelings.
I know our perspectives are different and I have no expectations that telling you this or sharing a video with you would change your perspective. But in light of tonight's conversation, I felt the desire to clarify (or reiterate) my perspective.
(and I shared a video from a pro-marriage couple who blog and FB marital advice).
Today he told me that our D mentioned to her friend that "my daddy is bad. he's mean to me." D was with her nanny... the mother of the friend asked the nanny if it was true! H was upset. What could I say? I told him that she has said those things to me (about me, and also about him). I've told her that we can be upset with people, and being might make us feel mad, but that doesn't mean they are "bad"... and I also told him that I never know how/if to mention it... but she is affected by all this. I broached the idea of getting her counseling. He didn't outright reject it, but thought she was a bit young still.
What a fool.
Maybell, I'm on it. All the churning of the last few weeks will (hopefully) lead me to finally drop the f'ing rope.
