And just for good measure, when things weren't going well (which was not all the time, mind): - we were arguing over when to start a family, sex - we were spending too much time with my family at the expense of spending quality time with each (being from different countries, vacation was often spent in one persons country or the other but we failed to do enough new things together during these times as I felt compelled to catch up with my family) - I was lecturing him about something or other e.g. doing things last minute, alienating himself from his parents - he was stonewalling me - I was obsessing over work related stuff and not making him feel wanted - we were doing the same old thing over and over again (local restaurants, staying at home watching Netflix) - I was listening but I wasn't really hearing what he was telling me (it would p1$$ me off when he would say I wasn't listening when I knew I was…...but now I see that I was responding with "you shouldn't feel that way because [this is how I see it]" rather than "tell me what I can do to help you feel differently")
And the major revelation that I've had post-BD: we weren't doing enough to keep ourselves moving forward and independently satisfied in our own worlds. We didn't know our individual goals, which meant it was hard to support each other and set goals for the R. We did everything together. When we had new ideas we'd each try to convince the other person to participate. When the other person didn't want to do it one of two things would happen (1) they'd do it anyway and be-grudge it, or (2) they wouldn't do it and the person who wanted to do it would miss out. After reading Passionate Marriage I now have a name for this: WE WERE POORLY DIFFERENTIATED. Classic example: we'd be out and he would want to stay out and wander aimlessly. I don't like wandering aimlessly so I would say no. So he would miss out on doing what he wants to do, or I'd go along and be p1$$y. It's the two choice dilemma: give up the view of how things should be in your mind, self-soothe and enjoy OR hold on to your view of how things should be. We should have just gone our separate ways in these moments and agreed to do something fun together later.
These my friends were our issues and I own my role in all of them all. In many ways this time apart is exactly what we needed to differentiate ourselves, develop independent interests, establish our own social circles, and get to know ourselves. That part is clear in my mind. The rest, not so much.
It's 6 months to the day since he moved out.
Last edited by ganb8te; 12/02/1411:41 AM.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Wow Ganb8te! I'm writing on my phone now but I really want to respond to all this amazing info! I'll summarize by saying I'll be your new spouse, you sound awesome!
I have some rough ideas of ways to maybe connect. Not sure they are any good, but maybe you or someone else can find a way to build on them.
I also see some similarities with my sitch. I hate that word sitch.. Situation!
Just stopping in to say hi and offer support. Six months to the day H moved out stings a bit, I imagine.
I see a few similarities with our stitches. Primarily with alot of the doing the same things, etc.
Long shot, could you invite him out for a local activity that you both had talked about in MC? Might be worth a shot - especially if you emphasize that it's just fun and you remembered he expressed interest in doing it?
I'm keeping an eye on your thread, as I don't have any kids with my H. We're on limited contact and I'm concerned we will get into NC zone. Seeing how other people handle it, gives me a game plan, should that day come.
Hang in there.
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
Thanks, Lisa. You are so kind. I Iook forward to you getting back to your computer to hear your ideas;-)
Hi Calibri - thanks for checking out my thread. Yeah, you can see I am struggling to figure out how to manage the NC zone thing. Or even whether I should manage it. I WISH we had talked about activities we could do to improve things in MC. Unfortunately we never got to that point. That list above - entirely my reflections and revelations on our sitch. If I am angry at anything in all of this, it is the MC for enabling him to move out so damn quickly (yes, I know they say WAS have usually being planning it for a while but I'm not so sure about my H based on the way it happened). Anyway, I'll have a think about your suggestion and see if anything comes up. Thanks again for your offerings of support. Hang in there yourself!
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
I echo the advice about going NC. I know you think you are, but there are a lot of posts about a text here and an email there from you. You fear going NC will cause H to avoid you for 7 more months and file. Don't be ruled by fear.
Unfortunately, this may take a long time of NC for H to initiate contact. Right now, H expects you to initiate these 'catch ups' and that isn't drawing him in. H is complying.
Can you go 2-3 months with NC? No text, no email, nothing? It may take that.
And when H does suggest getting together, and I think H will, you should suggest something fun. Don't make it an awkward 30 minute sit around. Say "I'd love to get together. I was thinking about doing X. What do you think?" Show off the fun you.
Defer all R talk on that first meeting. "I understand that you want to talk about the R, and we both have a lot to think about, but tonight I just want to have a fun time."
I know it is counterintuitive, but IMHO, upping your attempts at contact aren't going to be successful. I'm praying for you.
me: 45 W:45 M 20 years T 22 years S14, S13, S11, D9 BD 2/28/14 D papers served 3/3/14 I moved out 3/15/14 MC start 4/2/14 I moved in 6/2/14 D suit withdrawn 6/30/14
Hey Ganb8te, back at the office and ready to type my novel!
On the one hand I agree with Nettles about continuing a strict NC. But from what you said about your H avoiding conflict and alienating people rather than deal with any unpleasantness, I say maybe give it a few shots to connect and then if that fails, go pitch dark.
Here are some crazy ideas based on what you said you enjoyed together:
1. Tell him about your recent trip to a sex shop and what you purchased (I joke! haha! sorry your list inspired me) 2. It's summer there right? Maybe you could (a) send him a text saying you are at the beach in the tiny bikini he got you, or (b) send him a hot photo of you in that tiny bikini, or (c) both ("thanks for the bikini! rockin it at the beach today!") 3. send him a message like "I started a new batch of beer, this time I'm trying a Saison" or "I signed up for a beer making group, it's super fun" or something related to that activity 4. Send him a text "I found the most amazing shop for sushi fish/sushi accessories" or "ha! look at this hilarious hat that looks like a nigiri roll. remember when we made nigiri? yum!" 5. Send him an email "I found these photos from our trip to ... Check it out, how amazing was that ...(massage on the beach etc)!? I'm thinking of going back/going to X country close by." 6. Don't send a text, call with a plan to say something very short like the above. If you get voice mail the first time, don't leave a message. Call back a day later. If you get voice mail the second time just leave a really short happy message like "I was just calling to say hey! I went to this amazing Zen garden and it reminded me of our trip to Kyoto. Hope you are having a great day! Bye!" Never say sappy stuff or say "call me back". (but you wouldn't I know) If he answers just say the same short thing you were going to say, describe it a bit more. Then get off the phone quickly. "Just calling to say hi! Talk to ya later! Ciao!" 7. Option 7 is to stay dark. Maybe give it some kind of deadline so you can tolerate it? Say... I won't even think of contacting him until 15 December. Then when 15 December comes you say ...hmmm, can I wait until 25 December?
I have NO CLUE if the above ideas are any good. Maybe they will inspire you or someone else? Maybe they will make someone so irritated that they give you better advice!
Oh and lastly I would like to add that I see my own relationship issues in what you described about being poorly differentiated. I think that can be a common problem with couples that avoid conflict. They both do what the other wants at the expense of themselves, but then no one really ends up satisfied, interesting or interested! Something to ponder further, but I already realized I should have been much more independent and selfish in my relationship.
In my sitch he's been openly cheating for months since bd I did the whole nicey nicey, that did not work in any way shape or from. His complaint when he complained of every thing before constant now is she doesn't answer my text she doesn't answer my calls.
Now he's right where I was when I was being nicey nicey. He is still attached to the r his laywer letter tells me so. A long involved statement.
I smell fear on his side and loss, but even tho he's sending bestie to stalk me and his taking long distance ow to stores in the hope of rubbing my nose in it. So far he's not a scrap of attention from me and in his case it's all about him.
I suspect it took him about 5 or more months to even notice nc. His laywer letter he talks of seeing gg in passing. Um he hasn't seen gg even in passing unless you call him driving by in traffic or a funeral in July or mediation. None of which is in passing or social.
A few weeks in some cases they sigh, and think how nice it is. You need him to know exactly what it's like when your done.
If you have no children then really really dark.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
I echo the advice about going NC. I know you think you are, but there are a lot of posts about a text here and an email there from you. You fear going NC will cause H to avoid you for 7 more months and file. Don't be ruled by fear.
I've been waiting for someone to call me out on this. You are right. I haven't been pitch black and H may well still expect me to initiate. I've sent 2 texts in 5 weeks (no other contact) and I was mostly just testing the waters. Can I go 2-3 months NC? I think so….but...
Originally Posted By: LisaB
On the one hand I agree with Nettles about continuing a strict NC. But from what you said about your H avoiding conflict and alienating people rather than deal with any unpleasantness, I say maybe give it a few shots to connect and then if that fails, go pitch dark.
This is what I keep coming back to. How much this is factoring into things I just don't know. I do know that I can't control him or force him to work his s%#t. My IC keeps encouraging me to write a letter. She thinks he's depressed (based on my descriptions). I need to go back and re-read that chapter in DR.
BTW Lisa, your ideas are fantastic - thanks so much for putting them together. I just don't think we are there yet. If and when we do reconcile I'm going to come back to this list and plan some fund things around the ideas that you suggested. Thanks!
OK, it's storming out and I'm falling asleep. I'll post more on my plans soon…no need for any action right now except sleep.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Feeling a little down lately and confused about how to proceed. I don't feel like I have a clear plan. As I said on Maybell's thread, DR has lots of great tips but I am finding it hard to apply given that there is no "feedback" from H that helps me understand if I'm on the right track. We also don't have many mutual friends so I'm not getting any feedback through the back door. I guess the question is: is being dark not working and I should try something else, or has it not been long enough? I can definitely do longer, but if it is not working will it do damage?
I did go back and read the chapter on depressed spouses and was curious to read that MWD does say that some spouses have had positive results by writing a letter. Hard to know if that was true even if spouses don't have much to do with each other though.
Ugh…I'm gonna drag myself out for a coffee then go to a special yoga Xmas party class. Gotta GAL.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
If he's really done or really conflict avoident, then any contact will feel like your chasing.
They need to come forward to you, and it sounding like he's not. Like others, he may thinks your still just waiting, twiddling thumbs.
Mine thinks every things is about him. He can swing it round no matter what. Taking my possession proof I want to r, leaving them proof I want to r, legal settlement via laywer, asking him to mediation my way of forcing r see a pattern? He is feeling the rope, due to nothing I have done, he is not detached 12 month date is only weeks away. He is with an ow and is still not detached from me. His drama not mine.
It doesn't matter he sees it from his view. You do what you do not totally because it works for them. It has gotta work for you, first anything else is a plus.
Last edited by Ggrass; 12/07/1403:22 AM.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
