It's our 13th wedding anniversary. I had to pick up a gift bag for the birthday party. While I as in Target I got a phone call from my younger brother. We rarely get to talk. He lives across the country and is a second year medical resident so he doesn't have a lot of spare time. I was on the verge of weepiness all morning.
We talked about his night schedule, etc. then he asked how I was doing. That was it. I started to sob in the middle of Target. I quickly pushed my cart to the back corner of the store and proceeded to tell him that H and I are separated and that it was hard because it was our anniversary today, yadda, yadda.
He was so supportive and generally awesome. He said he wished I'd told him earlier so he could make sure I didn't feel like I was going through it all alone. He said that I'd tried so hard for so many years while H sat around waiting for me to make things better. I felt validated that he noticed that.
Part of me had convinced myself that I didn't try that hard all this time but he reminded me of all the times I gave and gave and supported and gave and gave with nothing in return. He reminded me that I'd virtually raised my D completely solo and tried to provide him with the support he wanted all this time without receiving much in return.
It was a nice feeling to feel like I had someone in my corner. Through sobs I said to him, "it's a little but nice to know that you hate him just a little bit". He laughed but said it had been hard to watch me bend over backwards in the marriage while he sat there waiting for me to fix things.
Then I got into telling him this separation has changed H on the fathering front. That H actually knows D's teacher's name. That he has actually attended teacher meetings, that he actually takes D to karate and is involved in her homework and piano. My brother was shocked. He couldn't believe it.
We both agreed that perhaps letting the marriage go for the sake of D7 having an involved dad might be worth it.
I'm afraid to dare to dream that I might someday have a loving and engaged husband AND an involved father of my daughter. Could that possibly happen?
At this point it's doubtful but if D7 ends up getting an involved dad, I'll figure out how to be alone.
Speaking of being alone, I'm feeling especially unattractive these days. Can't imagine ever attracting a man. Someone with similar political views, values, who is sexy and strong and loving and supportive and encouraging and accountable and responsible... Does that exist? Does it exist for me?
