D drew a picture this evening. It shows a broken heart. h is inside the left part, the dog and I are in the right part of the heart. She is in the middle sitting on top if a star. When I asked her to describe the picture to me, this is what she said:
"The heart is my heart and it's broken. Dad is on one side and you and Daisy are on the other. I'm on a star floating away and being pulled back and forth between you two. I hate it, mom. I really don't like it."
Cue my own heart breaking. Again.
D just got off the phone with H for their nightly call. She wanted to explain her picture to him and got really somber and down. She explained it but he didn't get it. She kept explaining it saying she wishes she were an oracle because then she'd either be smiling or crying. He didn't understand so she explained further.
She said she wished she could know whether we were getting a divorce. That it was hard not knowing and going back and forth to different places.
His first question is, "what's bringing this up?"
This always annoyed me because he can't fathom that someone could possibly be expressing how they feel simply because that's how they feel. He always assumes there's a trigger. His "what's bringing this up" is his way of avoiding the actual issue: D is struggling with the unknown and is expressing a need for help.
He just went in with his scripted statement:
"Well your mom and I love you very much and we always want to be with you. You know?"
She's not stupid. She knows that's a canned statement that she hears every time she brings this up. She actually rolled her eyes as he said it.
It's frustrating being on this end hearing all this, him not getting it, her asking for help and guidance and support and him asking "what brought this up?" .
His explanation of this to her, something like, "it's an adult thing and hard to explain but basically isn't it better that we're not arguing and are happier living apart?"
I had to open a closet and yell "jerk face!!!" into a thick winter coat.
He's not doing the work. And I don't think he will.
SS, I am so sorry. My son's preschool is concerned because he's been crying every day and saying he's sad. Obviously he's much younger, but when my husband and I explained what was happening with the separation, the teacher said that it's probably affecting him. While my husband thinks we need to talk to our son about the fact that Daddy's not living at home right now, he also is in complete denial. Today he said "How do we REALLY know he's crying about me not being here? Maybe a kid on the bus is bothering him."
Going into the closet to yell into the winter coat was a smart way to let out the complete anger you must have been feeling at that moment. I'll have to remember that one.
Me: 38 H: 43 Kids: 2,4 T10 M6 BD: 1/14 11/14: H moves out
Ugh. My first impression is that you have a really smart 7 yr old. Second is almost pity for WAH. "What's bringing this up?" Does that really need to be answered? I can see how you're stuck between a rock and a hard place. On one hand, at bare minimum, D7 needs different responses from WAH (if he's not currently willing to work on the real issue). On the other, if you tell him anything along those lines or give him advice, even if it comes from a loving place and in a loving way, WAH may see that as same-old behavior from you.
Definitely make the blanket Christmas movie time happen, though. I did something similar tonight, but with Christmas music. I lit up the inside of her play tent with Christmas lights, stuffed it full of blankets and pillows, then played some classic Christmas music and read books in the tent with her. Perfect night!
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Lorelai, it's so hard to witness the breaking of our kids' hearts. They're resilient, yes, but I believe not without residual effects. I believe the WAS tells themselves anything just to get past the guilt but the LBS is the one who really picks up the pieces. 90% of my own broken heart through all of this is because of D's broken heart. (((Hugs))) to you and your son.
Card, once again, you nailed it. Critiquing H's way of handling D's expressions is not a good idea given my history with criticism and emasculating. But I had my own chat with D and she was able to eloquently express that she felt like the rope in a tug of war between H and me. She is so good with words and I'm ever so grateful because it helps me see more clearly where she is and how she's handling things.
Today, H was a little more empathetic and qualified his question of "where is this coming from" by saying there was either an external trigger (he means me) or an internal one. I explained that I was sitting on the couch going over my calendar for next week and she popped over with this picture. I asked her to explain it to me. That's it.
He said, "oh, ok, so it was just internally triggered. Wow, well, she's having a tough time with this"
I was grateful for his recognition.
He also mentioned our anniversary and asked if I felt awkward with him coming to the birthday party we are attending as a family tomorrow. I told him that if I didn't want him to come, I would not have invited him, anniversary or not.
That seemed to reassure him.
I did not acknowledge the anniversary at all. Just didn't know what to say.
He also said the holidays were really hard for him and recognized they were hard on me and ad, too. That's huge to me. I wish I had validated more in that moment but I'll have another opportunity tomorrow.
One step at a time.
I'm breathing. And I'm not on the floor with my vacuum. These are pluses.
I am also making movement towards getting D the help she needs. Her pediatrician is helping to get the attention of the head of pediatrics at Children's Hospital for the behavioral development department. I'm hoping to get some serious help and guidance there.
I'm also looking at touring a school for the gifted somewhat locally. It's new and I'm hearing very good things. Here's hoping things continue to unfold well in this department.
It's our 13th wedding anniversary. I had to pick up a gift bag for the birthday party. While I as in Target I got a phone call from my younger brother. We rarely get to talk. He lives across the country and is a second year medical resident so he doesn't have a lot of spare time. I was on the verge of weepiness all morning.
We talked about his night schedule, etc. then he asked how I was doing. That was it. I started to sob in the middle of Target. I quickly pushed my cart to the back corner of the store and proceeded to tell him that H and I are separated and that it was hard because it was our anniversary today, yadda, yadda.
He was so supportive and generally awesome. He said he wished I'd told him earlier so he could make sure I didn't feel like I was going through it all alone. He said that I'd tried so hard for so many years while H sat around waiting for me to make things better. I felt validated that he noticed that.
Part of me had convinced myself that I didn't try that hard all this time but he reminded me of all the times I gave and gave and supported and gave and gave with nothing in return. He reminded me that I'd virtually raised my D completely solo and tried to provide him with the support he wanted all this time without receiving much in return.
It was a nice feeling to feel like I had someone in my corner. Through sobs I said to him, "it's a little but nice to know that you hate him just a little bit". He laughed but said it had been hard to watch me bend over backwards in the marriage while he sat there waiting for me to fix things.
Then I got into telling him this separation has changed H on the fathering front. That H actually knows D's teacher's name. That he has actually attended teacher meetings, that he actually takes D to karate and is involved in her homework and piano. My brother was shocked. He couldn't believe it.
We both agreed that perhaps letting the marriage go for the sake of D7 having an involved dad might be worth it.
I'm afraid to dare to dream that I might someday have a loving and engaged husband AND an involved father of my daughter. Could that possibly happen?
At this point it's doubtful but if D7 ends up getting an involved dad, I'll figure out how to be alone.
Speaking of being alone, I'm feeling especially unattractive these days. Can't imagine ever attracting a man. Someone with similar political views, values, who is sexy and strong and loving and supportive and encouraging and accountable and responsible... Does that exist? Does it exist for me?
Can someone, anyone, help me understand why it's ok to live without knowing? Why is that an ok expectation of me?
I'm resentful of this limbo.
I know the feeling of being in limbo means I'm not sufficiently detached but my 13 year anniversary was yesterday and it's the holiday season so detachment right now is simply too much to ask.
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We put up the tree today. Easy and actually fun. I tried to hide the ornaments commemorating our first year of marriage, the year we got engaged, etc but D found them and insisted we out them on the tree together. Then she grabbed my phone and told us to pose in front of the tree together...
She's a smart and sneaky cookie.
D drew a picture, yes another one.
This one had all three of us inside a heart, smiling, holding hands. Above the heart H and I were kissing, the she and H were kissing and then she and I were kissing all with big hearts all around us.
I asked her what made her feel so much happier compared to the picture she drew just a few days ago that depicted so much loss and pain.
She said, "Dad said that sometimes people who get divorced can get married again and that made me happy but I still feel like I'm being pulled like a tug of war rope."
He said, what? First of all, if he said that just to appease her heart and make her feel better I want to punch him because now she has serious hope. Secondly, WHA?
I hope to not get divorced and then reunite, I want to reunite BEFORE a divorce but I know there's little I can do about that. I'm just super concerned about what H said to D. As she was drawing the picture he said, "oh yeah, she said she wanted to redraw the picture... I didn't say a word."
I don't know what that means.
I'm not allowing myself to see anything in it for myself but if he is giving her false hope I might have to remove all of his toe nails slowly, one by one.
Where are you labug, uRworthy, Mighty, Maybell, Shining? I sure could use your strength and wisdom, guidance, and support.
I'm feeling so lost. I've learned not to hit H with a R talk but man, I feel like I'm in a spiral of unknown. I don't want the unknown to define me but I'm struggling without solid answers. I'm desperate to find pluses in my situation but I'll admit, seeing those pluses, no matter how small, set me up for false day dreaming and hope, which I really don't need.
The holidays are hard because I'm seeing H too much. I do so much better when I don't see him or have to coordinate with him. This shouldn't be this hard after 5 months.
On a separate note, man, H and ad together are pure chaos. They get into it and D pushes H's buttons, he reciprocates, they pick at each other, she tests him, he tries to dominate her... It's just their dynamic.
Well I can only handle so much of it. It's like listening to an old bickering couple, it just goes on and on and on and on...
When they get going and the dog is barking in my face and D asks me if she can stay up late and then H asks me if I know where his phone is and they continue at it and the dog jumps up and knocks over a plant and dirt and water is spilled all over the place but that doesn't slow anyone down, D wants to know why she can't stay up late and H wants to know where his keys are and they go at it some more... All in a 30 second period. I swear I feel like there must be cameras somewhere because it's insanity.
H gets annoyed because I'm not answering his 20 questions that I can barely hear over D and the dog and then D gets upset because she's not getting what she wants and the dog is pissed because she just wants someone to pet her for goodness sake.... And I'm in the middle completely overwhelmed by what feels like 10 people needing my attention at one time and pissed because they can't have it RIGHT NOW.
This is how it is all the time when the three of us are together. In the past I've asked H to be more aware of those times (and maybe locate his own phone and keys for god sake!!) because I just can't handle everyone coming at me at once all the time. I have a freaking threshold!! He doesn't see what I'm talking about.
