I agree with what you said 100%. I did not do it with malice in my heart, but I see how I gave my W many reasons to resent me. I have a lot of regret about it. I can't believe I did not see it and that it had to be pointed out to me. What a jack--s I have been. If you read my reply to raliced you will see that I am starting to get it. She said things along the same lines as you, albeit not quite as pointedly. I have started to look at myself and the role I played. I acknowledge that I put myself and my children before my W and i ended up damaging everyone.
I am not entirely clear what you mean when you say I was angry before OM? I held onto my convictions dearly and this was my own mistake and stubbornness, but I didn't realize that I am an angry person. Perhaps I am but I just could not see it.
I am really trying to understand how I did what I did. I think I have an idea,but I need to digress for a moment. My father, of blessed memory, was kind and gentle and would never raise his voice, but also never disciplined us. I always felt like I could have achieved more if only my parents had been stricter with me. I blamed my parents even though it was my own failing and insecurity. I also wasted a lot of time watching TV. I mistakenly thought that if I was stricter and eliminated TV from the equation that I would raise children that are better than me. None of this is an excuse for my behavior, but I think it was my low self esteem, coupled with arrogance that I knew what is right. I think the arrogance was just another manifestation of low self esteem.
I will make a list of things to change, but I may need some help and further insight to to complete it. I have to go be with my children, but will produce a list the next time I have a free moment.
Our sex life was fine. We struggled early on getting in sync but the last few years were really good. I don't think I forced sex on her - I hope I didn't - but nothing seems certain to me anymore.
Sandi, thanks for telling it to me like it is. I needed to hear it.
